Dr. DooGlitter

Ah Springtime!! A time for my friends Allegra and Beny to come play from the cabinet, a time for constant reminders on social media how single you are, and of course, a daily alarm clock that Summer is right around the corner and that teeny tiny bathing suit probably isn't going to be showing off your sixpack anytime soon.

Luckily, in Arizona, nobody knows what fucking month it is weather wise because every month is pretty much the same. Nov-Feb (High 80s low 50s) Mar-Jun (High 90's Low 50's) and Jul-Oct (High 100's Low 50's)...and it's sunny every goddamn day. I'm not asking for rain or sleet or snow but if MAYBE those U of A Adonis' could keep their shirts on one day a week while I'm in line for the Dunkin Donuts Drive Thru it would really help my mental stability....not to mention I'll stop jumping curbs because I'm not paying attention to the road.

Everyday

Another super swell part of springtime in the desert is that the animals mate like crazy. I'm not talking about the sorority girls...although....but I am talking about the rabid wildlife that inhabits this God forsaken land. I had no idea how much the Circle of Life was going to fuck mine up until the other day......

I don't like vaginas. I just want to get that out the way. I have never seen a vagina in real life since I was born via c-section. I am what we call..."A Platinum Gay"...never been there, no intention of visiting, sometimes browse the visitor's brochure.

I don't just dislike vaginas and all their gross nicknames...I'm actually quite scared of them. I mean, I'm not retarded, I know what they look like in their full, upright, and locked position...but then there's added layers of awfulness that in my mind look like this:

So it's no surprise that I wouldn't know how to operate a vagina in the event of an emergency if my life depended on it. Cut to last week when I was volunteering at the local animal shelter. Now, I love dogs but I have had a really bad track record keeping them. I believe my sister and I have gone through 7 dogs and have seen none of them die. Bella we had to give away because she was rabid, Mercedes-Beyonce now lives with my aunt under the assumed named "Sadie", and Nike went to live with a nice family on a farm. But I really do love animals and I was so excited to start volunteering at the shelter.

I have been there about 3 months and have keys to the place and everything. I just show up, walk some dogs, give them baths on the weekends, help them find homes and completely avoid anything that has to do with cats....(see above).

I noticed something odd about the other volunteers at the shelter and went to my coordinator one day and said "should I be wearing an orange jumpsuit too? nobody gave me one and I just want to make sure I dont need one"

Once he stopped laughing and realized I was serious, he explained to me that the other "workers" were in fact, criminals serving out their community service in the shelter. This didn't bother me so much since I was never alone with them by myself...until this day.

I get back from walking Blue Ivy and I notice the other walkers have all left. I am somewhat cautious to quickly drop Blue off and hightail it out of there because I've seen OZ and I know how these things can turn out. As I'm leaving, this trashy little Saturn comes speeding into the parking lot and out pops a mom and her little girl...I'll say she was 10...old enough that she certainly should have been in school.  

Mom:

Is there a vet here? My dog is sick!!

Me:

I'm sorry, the vets aren't here until 10. 

Mom:

Are you a Vet?! Can you help us! 

Little Girl:

Please help Missy, she's sick! 

Mom:

Look, my little girl just lost her dad (found out he was arrested later and I should have asked her if works with me) and I can't have her lose her puppy, isn't there SOMETHING you can do?

Me:

They're gonna stop serving egg mcmuffins in 10 minutes...aw fuck it

Um, sure...come inside. 

So I take Mom and Little Girl into the volunteer area where is makeshift grass for the dogs to have playtime. I look at Missy and this bitch is no puppy...she in labor.  I have ZERO medical background nor do I play a doctor on TV (yet). I start to panic. 

Me:

Ummm, ok first we need to call the emergency number on that flyer. Can you do that?

Mom:

We ain't got no mobile phone

Me:

Of course you don't

Here, use mine. 

Mom:

I don't know how to use this computer

Me:

It's an iPhone!! Oh for christs sake! 

I call the director...and got his voicemail. 

At this point, several of the other "workers" hear the ruckus and come over. Missy is laying on the fake grass panting like she's going to die surrounded by (2) red necks (4) convicts and a homo...

Mom:

The puppy is stuck...help it out!

Me:

I AM NOT A TRAINED VET LADY!! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M LOOK- OH MY FUCKING GOD! 

Missy was (attempting) to birth a puppy that got stuck. Where? Oh yea...you guessed it. 

Me:

Can anyone get me gloves? Salad tongs? Something!!! 

Missy is crying, little girl is crying...pretty sure one of the inmates were crying and I was crying...on the inside. On the outside I was Dr. DooGlitter - Vet Tech To The Stars! 

Me:

Ok, Missy, let's get you some puppies! 

And I did it...I went in...didn't know what I was doing, didn't know what I was looking for...but I knew that I found it.

Me:

OH MY GOD IT'S SO GROSS IN HERE!

And then I saw what a newborn puppy looks like....for the first time in my life I got to witness the miracle of nature in all of it's glory. The start of a new life destined to provide companionship and love to this trashy woman and her trashy daughter and honestly, I can say for the bottom of my heart...

It was FUCKING GROSS.

The thing came out in a sack! Just plopped right now in a moving sack and Missy had to CHEW the sack off so the little blind puppy could find it's teat. I have never been more sick in my entire life.

After that one popped out about 3 more followed. I don't know how Missy did it but I wanted an epideral just for watching. 

Mom and Daughter offered me one of the puppies for helping deliver it and I politely declined. I kind of don't want my dog anymore. (of course I still love jenniferlopez) but I can only compare it to if you saw how Chinese Food was made you probably wouldn't want it to eat it anymore...because there are some secrets of life that should not be revealed.