Dinosaurs, Nazis, and Wizards - Oh My!

I was arguing with myself on whether or not to blog about the Marathon events or not.  While I will personally never forget the events that unfolded on the day of April 15, 2013 I feel as though there has been enough reporting on the subject.  My job and my mission as it pertains to this blog isn’t to report to you what you already know or give you opinions on what I think I know…my goal is attempt to entertain you. Boston will never be the same but it is only when we assume normality that we triumph in the face of adversity and terror.  And as for anything I saw at my Mother’s 50^th (and it was a GOOD TIME) I am going to save that for the book.

So without further a due, on with the show! #BostonStrong #PrayForBoston #NiceBoatingJobAsshole

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There are NUMEROUS things that bother me about Roommate. For one thing, he has known I have been in Boston these past weeks and not ONCE did he text or e-mail asking if I was OK. He did email me…to let me know that half of the electric bill was due but other than that radio silence. I would say he is dead to me but I can’t honestly say I ever cared for him that much…but apparently I had a moment a few weeks ago…(calm down this isn’t a letter to Penthouse)

It was a Sunday night and if you follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or we actually know each other than you’ll know I do pretty much 1 thing on Sundays…drink by a pool! This is due to the fact that Arizona boasts extremely hot weather with extremely unhot people and thus I find more solice in sitting at a 5* resort drinking pina coladas and reading trashy gossip rags than I would attempting to make friends or go on dates…or play football.

Sunday nights as the towncar drops me off at the apartment, it’s safe to assume I’m probably rocked. I mean…I’ve been drinking for 10 hours at that point and all I want to do is eat a hotpocket, turn on NETFLIX and fall asleep. This Sunday was different…something went horribly wrong that I did not anticipate….I ran out of hotpockets. I had NOTHING left to make but pasta… I had no idea how much to make but I was hungry so I figured 3lbs oughtta do it.  Have you ever seen 3lbs or pasta?! Holy Fatkid Batman!!

So here I am with enough pasta to feed half of a small African country and I notice roommate in the living room.  Please keep in mind he has NO headphones in, he is not on the phone and does not look like he’s about to perform surgery so I felt no shame in “interrupting” him.

Me:

Hey, I made too much pasta…do you want any?

Roommate:

BLANK STARE PICTURE

Me:

oooooooooK.

Literally ten minutes goes by and roommate responds to my question.

Roommate:

Do you think the Nazis were a misunderstood people?

Me:

I’m sorry homo I said PAH-STAH not NAHT-ZEES I can see how you can confuse the two.

What?

Roommate:

The Nazis…do you think they were a misunderstood people?

Me:

Ummm, no?? I think people pretty much got the gist of their mission?

Roommate:

Yea, I’m just reading this fascinating paper on the theory that the Nazis as a political organizations were subsequently....

He goes to explain about his collection of Nazi books...Nazis and the Jews, Nazis and the politics of Western Europe, Nazis and the Chocolate Factory...I can't deal anymore 

Me:

Sorry, did you say you wanted food?

Roommate:

Why did you make pasta? Aren't you fat? 

Me:

I bought it for Good Friday and didn’t end up eating it then so I had it sitting around

Roommate:

Ugh, you Christians and your pagan deities…things like that make me happy to be a creationist.

Now, I am all about people having their own opinions on whatever beliefs they want…hence why we live in American (AMERICA! FUCK YEA!) but I also don’t have any respect for people like Roommate for slamming other people’s (in this case my) personal beliefs and constantly parading his “tested and true” theories on how the universe was made. In fact, most of his books that aren’t about Nazi’s are about Dinosaurs. The kid fucking loves dinosaurs and books about Dinosaurs and theories about Dinosaurs that alive today in the arctic and anything that deals with the “real” and “natural” way that the Universe has evolved.

This would all be fine and dandy and I could accept his Nazi curiosity and Dinosaur obsession if it wasn’t for the last part of his book collection series…WIZARDS.

Yup, the same guy who believes that the earth was created over billions of years and that a group of mass murderers could be classified as “misunderstood” is also a big fan of Wizards. Lord of the Rings box set? CHECK! Harry Potter collector’s edition with replica wands? CHECK! Dungeons and Dragons? CHECK and CHECK! The few times I ever offered to spend a night and have wine with him were the nights I got to learn where the fuck Middle Earth was and what the difference between a Gnome and Familiar Domain is. Needless to say we no longer have wine together.

Papa Glitter has seen first hand the over 150 books that clutter our living room. None of which I agree with, believe in, or understand. The scariest part is that all those times I think he's lying to me that he's going to play Dungeons and Dragons and I think he's really going to hook up with random dudes...I ACTUALLY think he's going to play Dungeons and Dragons!! 

We cannot possibly have a conversation that doesn't end up in discussion of Dinosaurs, Nazis and/or Wizards. 

Sample Convo 1:

Roommate:

How was your day?

Me:

Great!! I had a great show and I think my boss was impressed. You?

Roommate:

Had a meeting with a Cultist Male Minotaur Invoker and this student who was seriously, ::laughs:: a 4th Level Frost Goblin.  

Me:

Um, that's hot 

Sample Convo 2:

Roommate:

How was your day?

Me:

Pretty good! Had a great workout and I'm going on a date tonight. How was yours?

Roommate:

I just can't help but feeling like Franz Stengl! My boss just replaced me with this awful teachers aid and I'm so upset. Seirously, this place could be Sobidor and Treblinka. 

Me:

Um, that's hot...but probably not because i'm sure it's a Nazi reference 

Sample Convo 3:

Roommate:

How was your day?

Me:

Long. I'm exhausted. How was yours?

Roommate:

Speaking of things that are long, did you know that the dinosaur with the longest name was the Micropachyephalosaurus? It means "tiny headed lizard" It's fossils have been founded in China starting in the 1978 by the palaenontologist Dong.

Me:
Ha, Dong....that's hot 

…but we can’t have a TV!