No Bullshit Here

This blog follows the past 96 hours I spent with the best friend anyone could have.
(Up there with Kerri and JJ - what up Josephs!!)

I first met Scotty Andrew Lee Bruce in London during the fall of 2006.  I was a newly outed homo from the big city of Boston and he was a charismatic country bumpkin from Northern Michigan...needless to say we had very little in common when we first met.  I guess it's mostly my fault. When you start working in radio at a young age you get very used to lugery and opalence when it comes to certain things. Unless you had an open bar, an all access pass, or you were one of the Pussycat Dolls, I wasn't interested. So when I first heard this mid westerner talking to my other roommates on the street it was customary for me to go up to him and exclaim "Ya accenent sounds wicked retahded"...I was a typical Boston douchebag.

We realized very quickly though that we both shared a similar passion...being the life of the mutha-fuckin par-tay!! For some reason, when we ended up hanging out together, we could accomplish some miraculous things. For instance, some would say that the Bachelorette should get all the free drinks during her party correct? Well Scotty and I could go up to a bachelorette party and convince them to buy us drinks all night in exchange for dancing for with all of the brides fat friends...genius!

Scotty taught me a lot about life. How to enjoy the simpler things and how you don't have to have a VIP pass to have a good time. Luckily, I got also teach Scotty that having a VIP pass or going to an open bar party is a good time!! My most memorable accomplishment came in the fall of 2008. I call this, the Scotty Bruce Experiment. Keep in mind Scotty never owned dress shoes or a tie in his life up until this point...he was 22.

 

                                                                

                                                                                          BEFORE



AFTER

But this blog isn't about dressing up like Batman and Robin and running around the United Kingdom, this isn't about the time I made Scotty dress up in a giant pizza costume and he got heatstroke or the time I flew to Michigan and showed up to the middle of nowhere in a stretch limo full of Hypnotic when I was 20....this blog is about BULL RIDING.

Scotty calls me about a month ago

Scotty:
Dude, I found a place to go bull riding are you in?

Me:
Ummm I guess so?

Scotty:
No, it's going to be awesome. It's only $20!

Me:
That sounds awfully cheap...does it come with anything?? Like the bull or a helmet?

Scotty:
I guess a helmet would be smart

Me:
Yes it would

Scotty:
Ok, let me double check

:::20 minutes later:::

Scotty:
Ok, you can rent gear but it's extra

Me:
See, this is how they get you! Ok, sign me up!

So last Friday I pick up Scotty in Phoenix and we drive up Bloody Basin Road to Cave Creek Arizona...aka...the styx.

We arrive at the Buffalo Chip Saloon and just like in the brochure...it's a bar with a bull pen in the back.

Now, up until this point, there was still a teeny tiny part of my mind that thought we might be riding mechanical bulls. I mean, it wasn't out of the realm of possibility!! I could show off my proess and cowboy skills all with the safety and comfort of an inflatable cushion under me.

But then we went and signed the waiver...just your standard "MAY RESULT IN DEATH" sign on the dotted line waiver from a large woman named Lacey. Lacey was a Melissa McCarthy look alike in the face except she had long gray hair. (small note about me, I am horrified by women who have long gray hair). Signed, sealed, and delivered I was ready to get my bull riding on!!

8pm rolls around and Scotty and I enter the ring. They open the rodeo with a prayer (because we are in South) the National Anthem (because we are at a sporting event) and we get to watch Lacey ride around the ring on a horse (because apparently we were being punished).

Then they introduce Gary. Gary was at the rodeo last week and got caught underneath the bull. He was maimed and sent to the hospital where they had to open up his skull to let his brain swelling go down...but he was back and ready for action tonight!!At this point, I was seriously considering backing out...then Scotty came over fresh off of his bull ride and locked me into my helmet.




Ima scurred mama

 Me:
How was it?

Scotty:
Dude...you can't....I can't...you just...

Me:
You're not making any sense

They called my name and I saw Playboy.

Playboy

Playboy was 2300lbs of bull that was ready for me mount. Scotty and I watched some YouTube videos on "how to ride a bull" and we asked some of the locals how they did it but NOTHING prepares you for actually sitting on the back of a bull...because nothing makes sense.

Once you're one...people just start SCREAMING at you!! And NONE of the words makes sense!!

"YOU ALL SET? YOU BUTTERFLIED"
"YOU SCQUATCHED IN? YOU READY TO GAUNTLET?"
"GIVE HIM A 10 KEY ROUND IN"
"READY?"
"READY?"
"READY!"

The next thing you hear is the sound of the giant gate openings and the beast underneath has one objective...get you the fuck off of his back!!
The maximum amount of time a bull rider is on a bull for is 8 seconds...some of you might be thinking...I can do anything for 8 seconds!...you...are full of fucking shit.

And I'm off!

The scariest part about bull riding is...well everything about it but my biggest fear was how am I going fall off? Scotty went forward and over the horns but that was not my plan...no way was baby boy was not going out like Gary the walking vegetable...no sir.

Instead after what felt like 3 hours (3 seconds) Playboy had enough of me and launched me up and off into the dirt below.

Now, there is falling on dirt and then there is getting launched onto dirt. Getting launched onto dirt means that dirt goes into places on your body that you have forgotten you even had. There is dirt...EVERYWHERE. And its up there....not pretty.

I got back to Scotty and thought it was the best thing I have ever done. I have been bungee jumping, cliff jumping, sky diving and I've danced with fat chicks at a bachelorette party...I know danger but this was nothing like I've ever done.

Scotty rides twice more and I have one more ride...the bull was named Blue.

Blue...was a bitch. He started bucking when I was in the pen...I asked them why the bulls were so mad

"Well they got this here rope your holding tied around their balls, soon as you fall off, the rope falls off"

This was some Amistad shit right here...I almost felt bad for the bulls. I was in a bad relationship so I know what it's like to be held by the balls so I apologized to Blue to hoping he'd forgive me and let me impress my friends with an 8 second ride...NO FUCKING DICE.

Blue kicked the shit out of me...literally. Granted, I lasted longer than my first ride which was my goal...once Blue had me down...he wasn't done with me.


That is my leg with my boot underneath Blue

As I was leaving the pen with no wind in me and seeing stars some redneck motherfucker tried to come up to me and tell what I did wrong. Scotty descibes my reaction as "sassy". As he approached me...I just shot him a look and put my finger in his face. 

He nagging me despite my warning! Imagine you just fell off of a bull, got trampled, and some wannabe cowboy is going to come over and reprimand you?! OH. HELL.NO.

No more tough cowboy exterior...no more playing by the rules and pretending I gave a fuck about bull riding and impressing the ladies...I.QUEENED.OUT on this bitch and luckily Scotty filmed it...it pretty much looked like this: (I havent figured out how to load video on my blog yet)

I clearly scared him away by unleashing my inner Diva and we ended the night the only way we knew how...by line dancing with random women to a country band while drinking Dos Equis XX until we couldnt feel our pain anymore which by my calculations should be by 2018.

So here is to our next adventure...not sure what it will be but I have a feeling I might need to brush up on my swimming.