Part of me thinks I should retire from dating all together. I mean, I'm 26...I'm no spring chicken. I have had my share of really amazing dates and some awful awful dates but recently (and this could be because I live in a vortex or because I could actually be losing my game...but for some reason the scales of dating have leaned in the favor of terrible dates. I have had A LOT of bad dates and could start a new blog called Glitter: Queen of the bad dates but that doesn't have the same spicy flavor as my current title. Needless to say, I've never had a date almost die on me until recently.
Things in Arizona are sort of awful in comparison to the rest of the world. By that I mean when someone says they are going to take you to the BEST _______ you ever experienced...hold onto your fucking hats...because it's probably going to suck.
Date 1:
Do you like Italian food?
Me:
Yes
Date 1:
Ok, we have to go to this place, BEST ITALIAN FOOD YOU'VE EVER HAD!
Me:
I've been to Italy and was raised by Italian women so I really doubt it but yea let's go!
Result: It's an Olive Garden decorated like a Chili's #FAIL
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Date 2:
I want to take you somewhere exotic.
Me:
Awesome, like Tahiti? I'm already packed!
Date 2:
Better! Do you like Sushi? I know the BEST SUSHI PLACE EVER!
Me:
Ummm, hate to break it to you but there kind of isn't any water near here? But yea, let's give it a try!
Result: Cream cheese and rice rolls...and the place was decorated like Chili's. #FAIL
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Date 3:
Do you like Mexican Food?
Me:
Now you're talking! I can see Mexico from my house!
I do!
Date 3:
Ok awesome! I'm going to take you to the BEST MEXICAN FOOD EVER!!
Result: We went to Chili's...no really. Fucking. Chili's. #FUCKINGCHILIS
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And it's not just the food that's the issue, it's the company. Finding a funny, charming, respectable, working, drug free, over 21, under 55, English is your native language, single, gay, male in Southern Arizona is like looking for the Tooth Fairy...and I'd settle for any type of fairy at this point!
Now, I know what your thinking...you can't be the best date ever but the reality is I AM!!! I am the best first date ever because all you get is the goodness and none of the crazy. My mama didn't raise no fool. I hide my flaws until after the wedding!
So after talking to this guy for what seemed like forever we finally make plans to go out and guess what I hear:
I want to take you somewhere really special...do you mind being surprised?
He picks me up and we're driving and he asks me if I'm ready for the best dining experience of my life?
I guess dinner with the Clinton's and Tony Blair does deserve a one-up...and so I open my eyes.
MOTHERFUCKER TOOK ME TO THE MELTING POT!
"Experiential Dining" my ass...you have to cook your own food!! Who the fuck wants to spend a now extended date cooking their own food?! And you're not even cooking it...for those of you that haven't been to the Melting Pot...you boil shit in soup. In fact, I think I'm going to submit that as their new slogan.
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| THE MELTING POT: COME BOIL SHIT IN SOUP! |
Date and I are exchanging pleasantries and I'm actually not having a bad time!! He's really nice (aside from his horrible laugh...my fault...I'm hilarious) and as I look up from my plate/texting my sister under the table to tell her about his horrible laugh...I see this:
OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE!?
Date looks worried...although now I can't really see his eyes anymore and his laughing has turned to wheezing...awesome...he's allergic to something shitty we have just boiled in soup....I ask for help.
Date:
In my car...get my epi-pen!
Me:
Your epi-pen?! If you're allergic enough to something that you need an epi-pen shouldn't you carry it with you!?
Date:
Shut up and go!
So I run back out to his car search is car ....napkins in the glove compartment....cd's in the side doors....condoms in the console...I doubt the swelling is going to be that impressive...and an epi-pen.
I run back inside and Date has created quite the scene. 1) He's surrounded by the entire wait staff 2) He's the size of a small hippo.
I get the eli-pen ready...
Waitress:
What are doing?!
Me:
Stabbing him with his epi pen!!
Waitress:
Not in the neck!! You have to stab his leg!
Me:
The lighting in here is far too dim!
and BOOM! stabbed date in his leg...he didn't magically deflate like I was expecting. Instead his eyes just started fluttering and his breathing sped up...awesome
The manager comes over and asks us if everything was OK...we reply yes and he brings us the check. I ask date if he's OK and he looks pissed!
Date:
I can't believe they are going to charge us for the meal when it nearly killed me.
Me:
You have an allergy and you didn't tell anyone, it's not really their fault!
Date:
Whatever, you know it's unlawful to use an epi-pen on someone and I could technically sue you and the restaurant...but I probably won't.
1) Next time I get the chance to stab you, I'm going for the neck
2) I used the napkins from the glove compartment to handle the pen...NO PRINTS BITCH!
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