I
know I know, I took a week off of writing…but in all fairness it was the
holidays and while I know my stories of a family Christmas where my uncles run
around showing off what they just got tattooed and pierced and my grandparents
asking me and my 27 year old sister why we’re both single and my 11 year old
cousins are both in relationships would have been very entertaining…I’m glad we
both got the chance to take a breather…me? I’ve been on a family vacation!
 |
| VACATION - ALL I EVER WANTED |
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Every
year since birth, my father has saved his pennies, frequent flier miles, and
remains of sanity and has taken his two (now grown-ass) lovely children on
vacation in Southern Florida. Its 10-14
days of laughter, drinking, fighting, and my father’s favorite
pastime…inflicting large amounts of guilt. Here are some of his favorite lines…
“You
know…you’ll miss me when I’m gone”
“I’m
just looking forward to doing this with my grandchildren…I mean…if I ever get
any”
“Do
you know how many kids would wish they were as fortunate as you?”
“I
don’t ask you for much”
Even
with two bottles of mimosas and 86-degree weather my father (who EASILY could
have been a Jewish mother) knows how to get his points across. Even now, as my
sister and I pick up tabs, buy him gifts and try to repay him for the years he
supported us…he still says the only thing he wants is to spend time with us…in
this case I’d rather him take the cash….
 |
| Darling, arent you a little old to have a "type"? |
Now,
if Tucson is the Special Olympics of Gay then Ft. Lauderdale has to be AP
Gay…this is the Crème de Le Crème of the Crème de Le Femme and it has been both
my learning platform as well as my stomping ground since Glitter was just
something I thought was used in Arts & Crafts and in bad Mariah Carey
movies.
Now,
I have been gay all around the world and I’m sure some of you LOVE Ft
Lauderdale and think it’s the best place in the world to be gay since you can
pretty much any type of gay you want…and I won’t say you’re wrong…but my theory
is that if you’re going to be an absolute bitch to someone and tell them
insanely stupid insults such as “Oh, I’ve never seen you without Glitter on
your eyes…you must wear it to cover up your awful crows feet”…my thought is you
should be at least pseudo attractive/not pushing 60…but I digress.
Now
what happens when you are on a family vacation in one of the gayest places in
America and all your dad wants to do is “Spend Time With You?” Oh, yes…your dad
wants to come with you to gay bars!
So
here I am at one of the busiest gay bars in Wilton Manors with my dad!! Now,
you can’t very well introduce him as your “dad” as gays get that very confused
with “daddy”…and that’s just gross. Now if you’re reading this and know me, you
know my father is no stranger to gay bars…being a 100% Straight Male Super Spy who enjoys the company of Brazilian
Flamenco Dancers and has partied with Lindsay Lohan and Beyonce…my father is
actually much more cooler than I am…he just happens to crave attention as much
as me and that never goes over well!
Guy1:
Can
I buy you a drink?
Dad:
Oh
thanks, that’d be great!! Wow Sean, you were right, gay guys are really nice!
Me:
Fuckin groovy, can you ask him to buy me
one too?
Dad:
You
know, your sister never wants to go out with me because people think we’re a
couple.
Me:
And gay people who buy you drinks think
that you’re too good for me!
She
crazy. I am going to do a lap. Are you ok alone?
Dad:
Yea
that’s fine…I’m almost done with this drink and I’ll probably need one of these
guy get me another one soon.
So
I set off to try and meet Mr. Right and leave my father talking to a new group
of gay strangers. I do a few laps and realize the potential here is none so I
set back to find my dad…only to realize he now talking to a group of
pornstars…gay pornstars.
Me:
Please don’t call me over, please don’t
call me over
Dad:
Hey
Sean! Come here for minute!!
Me:
F.M.L.
Now,
I can’t blame the guy because not only is he my dad…but he’s also my manager…so
he’s constantly trying to help me make connections to further my
career...but…yea.
Dad:
This
is my son Sean, the one I was telling you about! Sean, these guys are actors
and he’s a director. This is Matt, Blake, Skyler, Brent and Devyn.
 |
| No names...just pictures |
Me:
I have seen their work
Hello
Porn
Star 1:
Your
dad is really cool…he’s been telling us about how you’re looking to work in
entertainment
Me:
E! Entertainment not Adult Entertainment
Ohhhhh
yea, I mean I’m not looking into acting
Dad:
Stop
it! Sean’s an awesome actor! You had your own show
Porn
Star 2:
Xtube?
Dad:
What?
Me:
Ummm
he was wondering what channel on TV my CABLE TV SHOW WAS…it was on Comcast...
Porn
Director:
Have
you ever thought about doing movies?
Dad:
You
were in a few movies!
Me:
WOULD YOU SHUT UP PLEASE!
I
was…yes…small Boston movies…Fever Pitch, The Departed etc.
Porn
Director:
Well
we are always looking for new faces and yours in adorable.
Dad:
You
gay guys are so nice!
What
is wrong with you?! You have protected our World Leaders, you were in charge of
thousands of men in the Middle East and may or may not have been involved with
the capture of certain terrorists and dictators and now you’re unintentionally
pimping me out to a porn director?!?!
Porn
Star 3:
We’re
actually having a pool party later…you should come by.
Dad:
Oh,
that sounds awe-
Me:
-awefully
nice, but we’re just on our way out.
Plus, I’m leaving tomorrow!
Dad:
No
you’re not, you’re here until the 4th!
Do
you only understand waterboarding or bamboo shoots!? I am fine with you wanting
to come to gay bars with me…I’m fine with you getting invited back to gay
karaoke when I get thrown out (in all fairness, Florence and the Machine is a
difficult act to mimic) and I’m very OK with you driving the gay pride parade
float that I was dj-ing in my underwear on…but THIS…is over the line.
 |
| GLITTER on deck...PAPA GLITTER in the DRIVERS SEAT |
Me:
Can
I talk to you for a second? Excuse us.
Dad:
What’s
wrong? Why won’t you come to the pool party? I don’t ask you for much!
Me:
Ok
first off…YOU are not going to the pool party. Secondly, I am not going to the
pool party. Dad, those guys are porn stars! And the director with them is a
porn director!
Dad:
Oh
stop, you’re so self conscious…so they’re in really good shape…you can wear a t-shirt in the pool.
Me:
Are
you high!? I’m not 12…I’m not going to wear a t-shirt in the pool and I am NOT
GOING TO THEIR POOL PARTY BECAUSE THEY ARE PORN STARS!
 |
| Feelin HOT HOT HOT |
Dad:
What
makes you think they’re pornstars?
Me:
Ummm
well 3 of them only go by one name
Dad:
Ok…GLITTER
Me:
That’s
different and you know that!
Dad:
Look,
if you don’t want to go…that’s fine…but I think they’re really nice and I want
to go!
I
feel like I’m a mom fighting with my 14 year old daughter about going to a One
Direction Concert…except…I am fighting with my 55 year old father about his
naivety and him wanting to go to an all male…all nude…possibly filmed…pool
party…I wanted to punch him in the face.
Porn
Star 4:
Sooo
we’re going to head back…here’s my number… text me and I’ll send you the
address.
Me:
Thank
you! I’ll text you. Let’s go!
Dad:
Oh
we’re going?!
Me:
Yes
dad, we’re going…real quick can you watch this for a minute…this is what we are
about to go to.
I
didn’t want to show him. I think there are just some mysteries that should
remain secret between gays and straights…but I did it…and it was for his own
good.
Dad:
Oh…those
are the guys we just met!...oh??...oh…oh!...oh my god!...turn it off! TURN IT OFF!!
Me:
Is
this what you want? This is the type of party you want to go to?
Dad:
I
think…dry heaves….I think I’m going
to be sick
 |
| Don't turn up the volume it just makes it worse |
Me:
Good…let’s
go home.
And
so we left Wilton Manors a little wiser and a little scarred. I don’t doubt
that my father won’t join me again because the man loves a free drink but I
think he might think twice about accepting offers from random men. Me? I
learned that my dad apparently…is Kris Jenner.
 |
| Donnie D 2013 |
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