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Flying has been one of those things I have been doing since before I was born. No really, my mother flew with me all through her pregnancy and if my math skills serve me correctly...I was even conceived on a family vacation in Florida while my sister was 5 months old...because my parents practiced the rhythm method.
Now, I have a zillion stories about flying that I could share with you...I could tell you about the time I flew to London with my grandfather when I was 11 and watched 2 people first hand join the mile high club...I know this only because my grandfather's TV didn't work and in the middle of the flight I said "Oh, Grandpa, you can take one of their seats...I think they left". Francis J, being ever so quiet with his Irish whisper responds "We're in the middle of the friggin Atlantic Ocean where the hell did they go!?" And that's when I witnessed my first walk of shame.
I could also tell you about another trans-Atlantic flight where my sister slept the whole time...at the end of the flight...my grandfather (who served as my sister and I's guardian/ATM when we were younger) turns to me and says:
Francis J :
I think your sister (who is 16) has that sleeping disease what's it called?
Me (announcing to the whole plane in my own Irish whisper):
Oh, she has SYPHILIS?!
Franics J:
Encephalitis you asshole!
Goodness, I can go forever...but this blog is about my recent flying experience from FLL-TUS and why I might never fly commercial again.
Now, I think of First Class the same way I think about sex...it's something I enjoy very much...but I will never pay for it. Sure, it's easy enough to pay and you're guaranteed an in but what's the fun in that? I could also spend all that time getting into a relationship with an airline and earning their miles buying them dinner and expensive things and then MAYBE I'll have enough points to get the goods but in all honesty...I get both the same way...with a great personality, a killer smile...and a little bit of bullshit.
So here I am in Ft Lauderdale Hollywood International Airport with my seat in 72X...literally I think I'm in the luggage compartment and the security line is 3 miles long since it's right after the holidays. So what do I do? Go right up to the First Class Check In. Now, the key here is to be SUPER HAPPY...almost to the point of manic...
Unfriendly Agent:
Ticket please sir
Me with an ear to ear smile:
Hello! Here you are, I am not sure if I'm in the right line :0) I'm just so excited to travel! So sad to leave Florida though. My grandparents live here and I'm just so upset to leave them it was really nice to see them for Christmas though.
Unfriendly Agent:
Sir, you have an economy ticket, you need to go to the economy line.
Smile fades to an unsure puppy dog eye and look of worry:
Ohh, I am SO sorry! I'm not really good at traveling. I really do apologize...Jamaica...aww that's a pretty name I've always wanted to go to Jamaica! I'm really am so so sorry. Where is the economy line?
Agent now smitten with my compliments:
I'll check you in here this time sir, just next time make sure you look at your ticket cutie.
Me:
Awww thank you so much!! you're so nice! Not to overstep my bounds but are there any seats closer to the front of the plane? Not first class obviously!! Just not 72X...anything you can do would be really appreciated :0D
Agent:
osdfnslgkl;sgkl;sgn;n;aklgnasldgnasngas;glnaslnas;dglnasgklnga (this is what it looks like she's typing for a good 3 minutes as she searches god knows what)
You know what sir, I do have a first class seat available but it will be $1,000,000 extra
Me - sad, defeated, to the point of tears:
Awww, Ok....no it's fine. I couldn't possibly expect to fly first class...someday I will though! I just wish I didn't spend my all my money taking my elderly grandparents out for dinner...but you know... you never know how much time you'll have left with them and that's really the important thing. I'm happy with 72X, thank you though!
Agent:
Aww sir well today is your lucky day because I was able to waive that $1,000,000 fee and you're now in 2D...enjoy sir. Happy New Year!
Me:
Happy New Year to you as well Jamaica!
BOOM! FIRST CLASS!
Since I'm now in first class I get to bypass the Noah's Ark boarding line that is economy travelers. Look people, I realize you're going on an airplane and you think "comfort" is something that comes in sweatpants and t-shirts with kittys on them...but I don't know if you realize...you're still in public. There is NO NEED to wear your pajamas on an airplane. Give it a go...try wearing your Sunday best or ya know...whatever it is you doll yourself up in for your weekly Wal-Mart extravaganza.
But this is wear Karma comes and bit me in the ASS!
I board and settle in with my copy of USA TODAY (does anyone actually read that?) and my champagne. One of the things I love about flying is the abundance of gay flight attendants. I credit a very good friend of mine who has been a flight attendant since before they integrated airlines for being one of the first gay flight attendants and starting...what I consider to be...one of the perks of flying.
So this flight attendant...we'll call him Skyler (get it..sky?) is being the normal amount of super friendly 1st Class FA but I can't help but notice he's doing a little bit of extra flirting with me. Now, he was fairly attractive and I'm sure we would have had a longer conversation but 2A happens to be a 31 year old divorcee who decided to tell me her ENTIRE life story in the short time it took for the rest of the passengers to board. I can't put my headphones on because we are taxiing and she's going on and on about her marriage was so bad and everyone told her she shouldve left him years ago and I was literally thinking "Bitch, tell it to Maury because I want to watch Ted and flirt with the gay".
So Skyler and I get to talking for a while and he asks me if I'm single. I respond yes and I ask him. He replies with "It's complicated". Well, since this isn't Facebook I have to assume that "It's complicated" means that he cheats on his boyfriend. The more the conversation went on the more I wanted less and less to do with Skyler and the more the Divorcee was looking like good company. So I'm sitting there minding my own business when out of nowhere another slightly older, still pretty good looking flight attendant comes into the cabin. We're going to call him Will.
Will:
2D?
Me:
I'm sorry?
Will:
You're the guy in 2D?
Me:
I have no idea what you're talking about but yes, I am in 2D.
Will looking disgusted:
You're the one my boyfriend has been flirting with?
Me:
WHAT?!
Will:
Oh like I don't know?! I can hear the two of you from the other side of the curtain. It's made of cloth not sound proof glass.
Me:
Oh my god...you've lost your mind
I'm sorry, I don't even know your boyfriend...he's just my flight attendant.
Will:
HE'S NOT EVEN ASSIGNED TO THIS CABIN!
Me:
Sir, I'm sorry. I don't know what else you want me to say?
Will:
Nothing, I want you to say nothing else to Skyler ok? We have been together for 3 1/2 months and it's been perfectly fine.
Me:
3 1/2 months?! Wow!! Where are you registered?
All of sudden everyone in first class can now hear him and started to take off their headphones. This was turning into an episode of Dynasty at 30,000 feet.
Me:
Look, I'm really sorry for the confusion. I promise I was not flirting with him (LIE) and I would never do anything to come between two people (TRUTH).
And then Skyler shows up. Let the games begin.
Skyler...big smile as not to look upset in front of the passengers:
Will, what are you doing with 2D?
Will...now also smiling and speaking through his teeth;
Oh nothing Skyler, just making sure 2D is comfortable...although I see you already saw to that
Skyler:
I was just being polite to 2D
Will:
You are a slut and 2D is fat
Me (no longer whispering or being polite)
2D IS NOT FAT ACTUALLY! 2D IS JUST TRYING TO ENJOY HIS FREE CHAMPAGNE AND BOSE NOISE CANCELLING HEADPHONES SO 2D CAN WATCH TED! 2D DID NOT ASK FOR YOU TWO WHACK JOBS TO DEAL WITH YOUR DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP IN FRONT OF 2D!
Flight Attendant 3:
Sir, please settle down. Is there a problem?
Me:
Are you the purser?
Skyler and Will look as if I just ripped a weave off a black woman's head. Yes, I know what a purser is. Remember? I've been flying for years and I know who's who on an airplane.
Purser:
Yes, is there a problem?
Me:
It seems your flight attendants are having some issues and I do not appreciate the comments made to me. Other than that...my champagne is empty.
Purser:
Sir, I am so sorry. I will handle the first class cabin and make sure this is handled.
Divorcee:
This is exactly like one of the fights me and my husband had right before our divorce. We were on vacation in the Baha-
Me:
-Lady, I barely care about you....and trust me...if this plane goes down LOST style...I will eat you first so I could give a FUCK about your ex-husband. Now if you'll excuse me...I'm going to enjoy my booze, watch TED and go to sleep.
If looks could kill, I would be 6ft under from the death stares Will gave me for the rest of the flight. I should probably delete Skyler's number...but I wont.
The best part of the story is that the airline sent me a voucher for another free First Class upgrade for my next flight...who knows...maybe I can break up another relationship.
Maybe Mitt Romney was right...maybe airplanes should have windows so you can throw people out every once in a while.
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