I got an actual invite from Roommate about a week before the events occurred. I didn't know why he had chosen to invite me to his birthday and I was plum out of excuses not to go. To be honest, I didn't even think my roommate had a birthday. I figured he just arrived fully formed under a moist stone somewhere.
What you should know is that birthday's to me have always been a big deal. My parents spared no expense on when it was time to celebrate the birth of their two children. My sister's August Birthday always brought pool parties, Luaus, cook-outs with inflatable things and limos. My birthday on the other hand is the end of November, the coldest time to be born in New England. My birthday's included renting out movie theatres, renting out the Discovery Zone, pool parities at hotels...and limos. I think it was just my parent's lack of wanting driving all those snot nosed kids home that led them to always get us limos...and you bet there was always Surge and Tamagatchis for everyone who came to our parties. To give back for all of the amazing parties I was thrown as a child, I had my 21st Birthday as a fundraiser for the Make-A-Wish Foundation at a swanky Boston nightclub and raised $15,000! The moral of this story...I DON'T FUCK AROUND WHEN IT COMES TO BIRTHDAYS.
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| My 13th Birthday |
I asked him what his plans were for his party and of course he pulls the DJ card on me. Being a DJ, especially in a small town like Tucson, means that I know every bouncer, dj, bartender and club owner and I'm sure at some point I would have offered to reach out to one of those people but Roommate decided to head me off at the pass.
Roommate:
I just figured it would be easier if you made the arrangements
Me:
I didn't realize my invitation was to be a party planner, my mistake
Um sure, how many people are you inviting?
Roommate:
How many people can you get in free?
Me:
More than the amount of friends you have I'm sure
10?
Roommate:
Can you make it 11?
Me:
Sure
Roommate:
Oh, did you include yourself?
Me:
No, I figured I'd pay
Um, yea
Roommate:
Oh, then make it 12.
So since I know this is going to be a HOOT of a night already I did what any retarded person would do, I offered to be the designated driver. I did this for 2 reasons. 1) I was working early the next day and always want to be on my a-game for work. 2) I wanted to be able to leave whenever the hell I wanted (read: 10 minutes after I arrive).
I explain to Roommate that I'd be able to fit him and three friends in my car and the rest could take a cab and meet us there. I also made sure that Andrea was not going to be one of those friends, otherwise I would need to get my tires re-aligned.
So Friday night rolls around and I come home from work to find some of the party goers have already arrived.
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| LORDY LORD - LOOK AT ALL THE FREAKS |
I quickly get ready and come out to the living room to "socialize" with these people when a gentlemen catches my eye. Not wanting to be rude, I went over and introduced myself with my phone number. We are going to call him Ted. Now pay attention.
Me:
So Ted, what do you do?
Ted:
Oh...umm...I'm a radio dj
Me (excited to meet someone else in the field):
Oh my god that's awesome, where?
Ted:
KRQ. <---That's the station I work for
Me:
I'm sorry?
Ted:
I'm a radio DJ on KRQ. Yea, it's a cool job. I get to meet famous people all the time (false). I make lots of money (super false) and it's something I've been doing for years. (how's the weather in Fantasy Land?)
I had no idea if this guy was serious or not. I'm not sure if Roommate has talked about me but honestly, why would someone go through all the trouble about making up a fake background to impress someone?
Ted:
So what do you do?
Me:
I'm a detective
Ted:
Really?
Me:
Yeaaaa. I work mostly on Crime Scene Investigations for the Special Victims Unit.
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| Somehow I don't believe your story |
WHAT?! This mofo is pretending to be me, and it was the first thing that came to mind. Plus, he was cute so I can let him get away with being sociopath.
Ted:
That's really interesting. I bet you meet you a lot of crazies
Me:
Everyday
So the night progresses and it's a typical party but now it's time to leave because the gays (all four of them) want to go dancing and the fat chicks (everyone else in the room) want to get going so the night can be done and they can order Chinese Food....so off we go!
Roommate is my car with two other people and VICKIE. VICKIE is a nasty little bitch who thought that because I was the designated driver, I was her PERSONAL DRIVER.
Vickie:
Can you not play this song?
Vickie:
Can you not take the highway?
Vickie:
Can you not have the heater on?
Vickie:
Can you not break like that?
Vickie:
Can you drop me off at El Charro on 5th, drop them off at Senor Homo's and then come back and get me? I only need like an hour.
Me:
Your coke dealer meeting you? Sweetie you need to up the dosage if you want to lose weight.
Ahh, no. I'm going to go into Senor Homo's with them and I'm not coming out
Vickie:
Yea but you're like the driver?
Roommate...who is NOT saying anything to keep this bitch in line
Me:
I have no problem dropping you off at El Charro, you will need to find your own way back.
Vickie:
You're ridiculous
Me:
I can drop you off right here on the side of the road now sweetie, your choice.
And now I know why my parents got limos.
Senor Homos was fine...dancing...drag queens...whatever. I look at my watch and it's 12:45, a perfectly reasonable time to make my natural dramatic exit. I try to find Roommate to offer him one last ride home before I leave...and here's where the drama occurs.
Me:
Hey, I'm leaving! Are you SURE you don't want a ride home?
Roommate:
No, I do want to go home...with him (points to guy on his left)
Me:
Fine, I'm leaving in 2 minutes.
Roommate:
And him, (points to guy on his right)
Now, I consider myself a pretty modernist thinker. I'm fine with the idea that a gentlemen wants to enjoy his evening with two strangers he met drunk at bar in the confines of the privacy of their own home...fine. I will not judge.
Roommate:
But we have to be quiet because they're married!
Me:
Ok? so you're like an anniversary gift? Maybe 10 years is Fag these days?
Left Trick (32-40 decent looking):
We're both married, just not to each other. My husband is actually here I think but I told him I was going back to a girlfriend's house so we should leave quickly.
Right Trick (25-34 attractive):
My husbands in the hospital. He's older.
This is where I get to be judgemental. I am NOT participating in any home wrecking today sista girl. No No No...I'm from a broken home, I know what this shit does to people and me being the transportation makes me even more guilty of this because I'm sober. I calmy and rationally try to explain this to my three new friends.
Me:
OH FUCK NO YOU SKANKS!! I am NOT driving Sneak Away Sally and Anna Nicole back to your little whore house so you guys can make merry behind your husbands back!! And Roommate? Aren't like 13 of your boyfriends here?? Look, have a good birthday...be safe...I am leaving...and I am driving home alone. I wish I was drinking so I could have thrown a drink at someone but my catwalk exit out of the bar was PERFECTION.
So I left the bar. Confident in my decision and looking forward to my bed... because as modern and I want to think I am, I am an old fashioned soul. Marriage or whatever the hell you want to call it these days is between two people and you know what? If those two were together and wanted to go home with my roommate...still OK...but adultery? cheating?
4:30AM - CASA DE GLITTER
I am in the middle of my REM cycle when I hear banging at the door. Thinking Roommate might have lit the apartment on fire and it's firemen at the door, I quickly slip into a negligee, powder my face and run frantically to the door. I look through the keyhole and it's a man...an angry man. I quickly deduce that it's Left Trick's husband. I ain't answering that door.
Husband:
I KNOW LEFT TRICK IS IN THERE WITH ROOMMATE. OPEN UP.
Me:
Ohh no Meesta Supaman No Heya
I bang on Roommate's door and alert him of the company. The two of them come out of his room and we assess the situation. While they tried to come up with excuses I felt it only appropriate to open the door. I was already up and the circus was in town...showtime!
Husband:
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE? WITH ROOMMATE?
Left Trick:
Ugh, you're jumping to conclusions. I was going to go to Ashley's but she didn't pick up the phone so Roommate said I could stay on his couch.
Husband:
The couch that's covered with books?!
SEE!! THIS IS WHY READING WILL GET YOU INTO TROUBLE!
Husband:
And who the fuck are you? (pointing to me)
Me:
My name is Glitter. This is my house and I own a gun. DO NOT GET LOUD WITH ME SIR.
Roommate:
It's true, we JUST got back. I was going to clear away the books and let Left Trick sleep on the couch.
Left Trick:
Babe, I love you. I would never do anything to hurt you. Please, let me just get my coat and we can leave and I'll explain how this whole mix up happened.
And just then, as if some stage director told him to do so...#3 emerges from the room
Right Trick:
Are you guys coming back to bed?
Husband:
THAT'S IT. WE ARE THROUGH! YOU WANT TO HANG OUT WITH SLUTS LIKE THIS! ISN'T HIS HUSBAND IN THE HOSPITAL!?
Again, Tucson is a tiny town so this actually does make sense.
Right Trick...in HYSTERICS CRYING:
OMG please don't tell Dying Husband, I was drunk and this was a one time thing. Omg omg please.
Husband:
And you? (pointing to me) you knew about this?
I am sitting on the bar eating Cherry Garcia laughing my ass off.
Me:
No, I drove Roommate to the bar. That's all. I'm just up for a snack. I think I'll go back to bed now.
I couldnt fall asleep for a little while since they were all screaming and crying. No gunshots luckily, just a few doorslams. I can't say I didn't see this coming, but in a small town like Tucson I really didnt expect anything less.
Glitter's Final Thought:
Roommate, I'm really sorry your birthday had to end like this. I am so sincere in the fact that I think that everyone should have a good birthday. So please, next time, just make better decisions and most importantly...do not fucking invite me.
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| Real People, Real Tears |
STAY TUNED NEXT! NEXT WEEK WILL BE VOLUME ONE OF THE
THE DEBBIE CHRONICLES!
1) I love that the one guy was pretending to be you lol
ReplyDelete2) I remember your 21st Birthday, fun times!
-Beloved ex-intern