WARNING: THIS BLOG CONTAINS SOME GREY'S ANATOMY SHIT
I've been asked recently why I share so much with my blog viewers and where is the "line" I'll draw when it comes to revealing personal information about myself but what you must know about me is that I'm all about "over sharing". In my family, there is no such thing as TMI. We share information with each other that would make Jenny Jones go "OK, that's a bit too much". Since you are now my new extended blog family, I feel no need to withhold this information from you.
I am pretty sure my body hates me. Not so much my body, just my genes. If you look at my grandparents, for old people...they aren't bad looking. My mother's father was a 6'2, handsome Irish actor with broad shoulders and my father's mother is a petite Italian woman with beautiful olive skin and dainty features. Both of my parents have crystal blue eyes and my sister's eyes are a shade of green only found in oriental supermarkets. Me? I ended up balding at 25, 5'6 with broad thighs, dull blue eyes, and petite stumpy fingers that look like withered sausages.
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| How I view myself in the mirror |
Now...normally I blame my homosexuality on my mother's choice to smoke into her third trimester with me...I have submitted my hypothesis to several well known scientists/US Weekly and am waiting for their conclusion on the matter. So while I can't blame my excess gay on my mother I can sure as hell blame her for what happened to me this past weekend.
I had just woken up in Phoenix after a rowdy night out with a friend from Boston who recently moved to Arizona. Oddly, we weren't BFF's, simply friends who knew each other but before the end of the night she was running around telling people that her and I are going to San Diego for Easter (true) so she can get pregnant (not true...not by me anyways).
As I start the drive back from Phoenix to Tucson I realize something is wrong with my body. I felt ill...now at this point the flu epidemic hadn't hit Arizona so my first thought wasn't OMG I have the flu...my first thought was to make it home....drink some Nyquil flavored Smirnoff and sleep it off. I've also faked sick enough in school to know symptoms of the most random things....in the 5th Grade I told my teacher I had to go home because I was having menstrual cramps and told her I thought it could be menopause.
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| I was the KING of faking sick! |
Anyways, I'm driving along in the MIDDLE OF NO WHERE and all of sudden I feel like I'm going to blackout. Normally, this is fine because I'm at a party so I can blackout on a couch or I'm at a bar so I can blackout and go home with the guy who just gave me a free drink but THIS was not good since I had this shooting pain in my lower back! I pull over to the side of the road and phone my sister who tells me to go to the emergency room. Fine except I'm 75 miles out of Phoenix and 75 miles out of Tucson...this leaves me with CASA GRANDE ARIZONA. For those of you that don't know Casa Grande, it consists of a Super 8, an Olive Garden, a Family Dollar...and the Casa Grande Medical Center. That's all.
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| No really..MIDDLE OF NO WHERE! |
I hesitate to go but I'm starting to get a fever and dying on the side of the road in the middle of the desert is passe so I decide I need to go. As I walk into the Ambulance entrance and pass the two EMT's smoking by the door, I realize that Casa Grande Arizona must be one of those vortexes that people talk about.....I literally walked into 1971...Mexico! Everything was made of wooden vernier, nobody spoke English, and there were probably 5-6 children just running around the waiting room. Baby Safe Haven my ass.
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| Casa Grande Nursing Staff |
I see the nurse for my vitals and she takes my blood pressure, looks at me and takes it again...my blood pressure was 85/60. According to her chart, I was dead. She immediately hooks me up to an IV and tells me to sit in the chair. I explain to her that it hurts to sit down and she says "Oh, well, ummm I guess you can just stand."
So there I am standing in the examining room with an IV looking like a moron when the doctor comes in.
Doctor:
Why are you standing?
Me:
It hurts to sit down and the nurse told me to stand
Doctor:
Why didn't the nurse tell you just to lie down?
Me:
I don't know, I don't work here.
Doctor:
Poor girl (she was easily over 60) can you tell she did the overnight shift? Ha ha
Me:
Listen Senor House, I am dying and need you to fix me.
Blah blah tests and such and it turns out I had a ruptured cyst on my tailbone. Fine, cut it open and do what you need to do...Tina and Amy are hosting the Golden Globes tonight!
Doctor:
Did you drive here?
Me:
Yes
Doctor:
Do you have a family member that can come collect you?
Me:
Sure, let me just get on the phone with Jet Blue and they can be here in 7 hours
No i do not.
Doctor:
Oh, that's too bad. I can't give you any pain medication if you have to drive. This might hurt. Have you ever had a girlfriend?
Me:
What?
That was the last thing I remember before enduring the most excruciating pain in my entire life!! Dr. Mengel was cutting my tailbone open with no anesthetic. Who does this??! For a second, I wondered if I missed the hospital and wandered into the Home Depot day worker section. I would have killed for morphine, an epidural, or a fucking Motrin. I felt like I was in a Vietnamese torture camp. This went on for 35 min.
Doctor:
Ok, so the cyst is taken care of but you'll have to wear these since you'll continue to bleed for a few days.
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| Chanel SPRING/FALL 2013 Line |
Me:
Ummm, are those diapers?
Doctor:
They are diaper pants. See, they only look like diapers from the inside and on the outside they look like briefs.
Me:
No they don't...they look like diapers.
Doctor:
Well these will have to due until you can get home and fill your Rx for Vicodin.
So the doctor leaves and I realize a huge problem...I cant fit my jeans over my diaper pants. I was going out for the night, I work my sexy jeans that showed off my ass...now they're showing off my depends. What do I do? I can't very well leave wearing just the diaper pants and I'm not about bleed all over my True Religions...I compromise. I pull my jeans up to crotch, pull my shirt down and strut out of the hospital.
So now I'm racing to get home...less for the Golden Globes and more for the fact that I'm half naked wearing a diaper in the middle of Arizona. Now, here's what I love about Arizona...the speed limit is 75mph on every highway except when there's roadwork...apparently, there was roadwork.
The cop pulls behind me, throws his lights on, and I have no idea what to do. I can't reach down and try and pull my pants up because he'll think I'm hiding drugs, I can't pull my shirt down any further because I'd have to hold it down and it would look like I'm hiding drugs. So I pull over.
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| You have the right to put on your pants |
Officer:
Sir, do you know why I stopped you?
Me:
Yes sir, I was speeding. I am really sorry, I didn't see the work zone sign and I -
Officer:
Sir, why are you pants down?
Me:
I realize this looks bad I know, but I was just out of the hospital and they operated on me with no pain medication and put me in these diaper pants and I just really need my vicodin!
Officer:
License and registration please.
FUCK! I'm going to jail. Driving while pantless cannot be easily let off in Arizona. Omg, what if they put me in a work camp? I can't do manual labor! I don't even know how to fold laundry.
Officer:
So explain to me again why you are in the diapers?
Me:
They are not diapers...they are diaper pants! See they only look like diap - oh never mind. Look! (I tell him the story).
He can't stop laughing....he looks like he's going to cry and I wonder if I really feel comfortable that this guy is protecting my highways.
Officer hysterically laughing still:
I'm sorry man, try not to speed through work zones and good luck with your diapers.
Me:
Thank you officer...diaper pants.
So after I got home and put an Amber Alert out for my dignity because it was no where to be found, I settled into my bed with my vicodin and my new inflatable donut. I've always said it, every donut goes right to my hips.
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