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My roommate just told me the most horrific thing in the entire world. Now, we don't have many conversations so the scale at which this is based is a bit curved but TRUST ME when I say that these words from my roommate are ones that no man should hear....I can't even deal with this and I beg you that if you are reading this near small children, please avert their eyes...He wants to make me dinner!
Ok, you don't get why this is awful and I will explain this to you...but first allow me to regale you with the story as to why he feels the need to poison me...this happened last Thursday:
Roommate Text:
Hey, are you coming home tonight?
Me:
Why? hosting another party with fat underage emo kids?
After my MMA training, what's up?
Roommate:
I need a favor, but I want to talk about with you in person
Me:
oh fuck
ok. see you around 8:30.
What is he going to ask me for? Anything normal like a ride or money we've already exchanged texts about...he's even told me about dating these 12 guys at once and he has to remind me of their names and back stories so I can pretend like I care and try my hardest no to reveal he is cheating on all them...I do...because I know my place. Omg, what if he asks me for a kidney or to be a surrogate!?
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| Details of your promiscuity do not interest me |
Me:
Hello?? Roommate?? You here?
Roommate:
In the living room
I approach the living room and see him sitting in one of the chairs looking suspect.
Whatever, he's not on the fridge...it's all i can ask for
Me:
What's under your sweatshirt?
Omfg is it my blind date? Did he hide in the cupboard until one of us got home?! WTF
Roommate:
I think you're going to like this!
Me:
It's moving...I doubt it.
Out of his sweatshirt pops a fucking cat. So there is my roommate, sitting on my now cat hair lined suede couch stroking a cat that I have never seen in my entire life.
I've told you about my cat right?
Me:
You told me your parents had a cat...you didn't mention it was going to come live with us!
Roommate:
No, she's not going to live with us...but I have to watch her this weekend and I forgot I'm going to Mexico! (In fairness, that's like forgetting you're going to New Hampshire as it is so close) and I can't bring her with me...So I was hoping you'd watch her?
Me:
You gotta be kidding me?
You gotta be kidding me?
Roommate:
PLEASE!! I can't take her to Mexico and I really want to go with [insert random trick's name]!! She's so sweet and so easy to take care of! Please!!
Me:
Ugh fine. What's her name?
Roommate:
Hurricane Catrina
Me:
WHAT? Are you fucking kidding me?
Roommate:
No, it's not Katrina it's spelled like Cat so it's not offensive.
Me:
And what? You have a dog named Holocaust or a Hampster named 9/11? This is the worst name for a pet I've ever heard!
Roommate:
You named your dog jenniferlopez (all one word small letters)
Me:
jenniferlopez (all one word small letters) didn't leave hundreds of thousands of people dead and homeless. She got into a gun brawl with Diddy in 1999 and made Gili...that's about as much damage she's ever done! You're sick.
Roommate:
Whatever, that's her name. Besides, she doesn't even answer to it
Me:
Because even she thinks it's a bad name
So he explains to me how to take care of a cat, how to load and empty a litter box blah blah blah. Then he drops this little bomb on me.
Roommate:
So there is one thing...she doesn't like to sleep alone
Me:
Neither do I honey bunches of oats but you get used to it!
Roommate:
No, you have to let her have your room or she'll cry.
Me:
I will just have a big glass of Pino Nioriquil and put my ear plugs in. Problem solved. Plus, he wont even be here!
Fine, she can sleep in my room.
So Roommate leaves on his Sluto de Mayo adventure and I'm left in custody of a 6lb piece of fur that spent 25 min staring at me. Now I don't really blame her since I was staring back at her but I'm just not a cat person.
Nighttime fell and I put her bed in the living room and made myself a nice big Anna Nicole Cocktail and went to sleep.
3am
meeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
WTF is that? Aren't cats supposed to meow?
mmmmeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I try my hardest to go back to sleep but thru my earplugs and pillows comes
mmmmmmmmmmmerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Omg, what if she's giving birth or choking on something...I did not sign up for this!
mmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I say fine...I'm going to go out and see what the hell is wrong with this thing...I fed it Fancy Feast in a little martini glass just like in the commercial I don't know what is wrong with her.
I open my bedroom door and OH MY GOD...the smell...of cat pee....EVERYWHERE.
Catrina had peed on EVERY WALL IN THE APARTMENT including but not limited to the fridge, the kitchen island, the bookcase, the patio door, and the front door. This stupid bitch was about to be in a Sarah Mclachlan commercial because I was about to give it away. I text my Roommate and ask him if she's sick. Obviously I get:
Roommmate:
Oh, she must be in heat. Sorry. Don't let her on your bed.
As I'm reading this of course I realize she is on my bed...humping my pillows
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
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| I'm horny. Horny horny horny. So horny. I'm horny horny horny tonight |
I spend 60 min cleaning up cat pee and avoiding being raped so I lock her in Roommates room and threw catnip all over the floor hoping she'd OD. The smell is still in my apt and I told him if it's not gone by the time I get home from Florida I will relight our apartment on fire with him in.
So he gets home from Puerto de Homo Sunday and thanks me for taking such good care of her and how much he appreciates it and that's when he drops the D word on me.
Roommate:
I'm making you dinner tonight
Me:
Ohhhhhh, no that's OK really. Thank you tho.
You could offer me cash for all the fucking swiffer mops and bleach I had to buy
Roommate:
I insist. 8pm sound good?
Why don't I want my roommate to cook me dinner? Because my roommate can't cook for shit!! Now let me tell you the difference between us. I am from a family of AMAZING Italian cooks who have sauce recipes that take days to make. I am from an Irish family that can make a Sunday dinner that would make you wanna slap your mama. I...am just lazy. Why would I go through the trouble of preparing a full meal for myself at 9pm when I'm home from the gym when I can just throw in a Lean Cuisine? Now when I'm married...bet my bottom dollar that my man will come home to a delicious dinner as I vacuum the floor in my pearls and the children finish their arithmetic.
Roommate on the other hand...loves to cook...and possibly comes from a family of great cooks...but that gene just did not swim into that embryo sweetie because whatever he cooks smells like it has been sitting in the sun for days rotting. Now I know exactly what he is going to make me...it's his famous dish that he makes every single week. It is affectionately called ASS SOUP. It is called this for 2 reasons 1) It looks like soup 2) It smells like ass. I have seen him eat this A.S. by itself as well as on top of both pasta and rice which makes me believe it is some type of curry. The only thing is I know what curry smells like...and sag, and vindaloos, and Marsala and NONE of them smell as bad as this!!
He makes it every Sunday and the smell just permeates in the entire apartment until late Saturday night despite how many Yankee Candles I light. What boggles my mind even more is that I DONT KNOW WHAT HE MAKES IT WITH!! We don't keep all that much food in our house so my only thought is that he goes to the 24 Korean Grocery store and buys their expired dairy products and boils them for several hours while adding something he found dead on the street. It is disgusting!!
This is a picture of one of it's descendants that has been kept frozen for experimental purposes:
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| Keep in mind there are NO VEGGIES IN THIS SO WHY IS IT GREEN!!
The bad news is, I couldn't find a good excuse to not go eat dinner with him tonight. The good news is after my food poisoning subsides I am going to 10 lbs closer to my ideal weight! #SilverLining
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