"In the female mating system, sexually agressive older women are considered especially heinous. In Tucson Arizona, the dedicated women who attack younger men and promote these vicious felonies are members of an elite pack known as The Gran Cougars. These are their stories."
::dun dun::
::dun dun::
We all have those co-workers that make our workdays a little more interesting right? We all have that annoying one that spends all day in the bosses office making sure that the boss only solves their problems...we all have a co-worker that has been in the business forever so they know everyone and EVERYTHING and we all have the one that is never on time, takes 10 weeks of vacation and calls in for hurricane damage even though they now live in Arizona.
This is a very common occurrence in 99% of all work places regardless of the industry and for the most part theres isnt much that will shock me....until I started in Tucson and I met...The Arizona Grancougar.
::Australian Dundee::
Whal own the owtbayk in Arizownya, weeah able to see a raya speeshees of coogah noun ounly en the walled as the Arizonwnya Grancoogah. The ownly speeshees that eez twoyce their naychural ayge
Thanks Dundee,
Yes. The Grancougar is a very interesting species in that while most 35-45 year olds are considered cougars by today's standards, grancougars can reach an age of 90 years old!! I didnt believe this myth until I moved here and got up close and personal with my first Grancougar.
I was asked by the sales manager to come to a sales meeting and meet with staff to discuss ways I can help the station and it's clients and make some money on the side...I was totally game!
I was freshly shave, no visible piercings, and not wearing anything that people in Arizona would consider to be too provocative...like an Obama t-shirt.
I arrived expecting a whole groups of sellers and instead am met by my boss, his boss...and the GranCougar. We will call her Janette. Before we get into what happened with Janette...let's talk about Janette shall we?
When I first met Janette I didn't know exactly how old she was since there wasn't any visible part of her body that was original. She has giant fake breasts, cotton candy-like hair that I believe is from a can, and so many face lifts I think she might have the ability to fart out of her nose.
Her face is tucked, her stomach is tucked and she wears the most GROSSLY inappropriate outfits...everyday is as if she's auditioning for the Shady Pines Senior Center production of Chicago! The cleavage I can sort of deal with since at this point it's just like looking at two small bald men trying to peek out of her blouse but her legs?!!? DISGUSTING!! It's like cottage cheese from the knee up and spider veins that vaguely resemble a map of the Paris Metro. I have no idea if she actually has money. Granted plastic surgery is expensive but this bitch looks like she gets hers done at Auto Zone so I'm not sure.
Finally, after staring at the bones on her hand...I concluded she is probably in her early to mid hundreds but is spry like a youth of 75.
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| Oh, please...maybe this is how she looked when Kennedy was in office |
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| Close with the age...still a few things need work |
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| Janette version 10.0 |
She's always been very nice to me...too nice actually. Not like "go call corporate inappropriate" just...a little too nice.
"It's so cute when you wear your Boston College shirts here...you look just like a little frat boy"
(check your facts Nana, BC doesn't have frats...trust me...I would have joined/stalked them)
"Hey, if you ever want to come swimming my heated pool is always open"
(I'd rather get babysat by Casey Anthony)
"Oh you gays, I swear it's because you haven't had the right woman"
(Even if there was a cure for the awesomeness that is homosexuality...your supply of vaccine would have expired...in 1889.)
"Stick it in"
See, nothing too forward...but you can see why I am apprehensive about being in a conference room alone with her??
She always invites me out to dinner at these expensive restaurants and wants to know if I have any "friends" for her...which scares me because one does come to mind but I promised him I wouldn't mention his name in my blog. It's not that he's a player...he just pulls more tail than a retard in a petting zoo and has a pension for older women...and younger women...and well you get the drift. But I am worried about his impending visit...and I'm not sure if I'm more scared for her...or for him. But I digress...
My boss tells me I will be working with her on a special event for some of her clients and that she and I will be working very close until the remainder of the year on all 3 of our FM stations...her cataracts lit up as she giggled:
"I swear, I'm the only gal over 60 that loves hip-hop music...or maybe it's just those rappers"
Well lady, while I doubt you are the only person 60+ that likes hip hop music, you certainly are the only AARP member who wants to go out and "back that ass up"...into something that isn't a wheelchair.
You're gross.
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