Crouching Tiger Hidden Drag Queen

If anyone has known me long enough you will know that in May I was mugged in the middle of a very busy London street. If you have been mugged you will know it is a very scary feeling. It was at that point that I vowed never again to become a victim of crime.

Let's take a time trip back for a second though. Imagine me, with the same fairy like qualities I posses today, with the same love for the Spice Girls that I have now, just 18 inches shorter and 150lbs heavier. I was a FAT KID. Now, what happens when you are an 8 year old fattie who knew all the words to SAY YOU'LL BE THERE? Your parents sign you up for karate.

Yes, I did do karate when I was little and you know what that got me? An on the playground ASS WHOOPIN. The minute I went into "fighting stance" the idea of me morphing into Tommy the Green Ranger (swoon) quickly faded to me getting the shit beat out of me by someone who I'm pretty sure is now in jail.



You'd beat me up too

What you also have to keep in mind is that my sister was a NINJA! She is a certified black belt and while I kept repeating classes like a kindergartner with a taste for eating tacks, she went on to become Massachusetts Youngest Woman Black Belt Champion of the Universe (or something like that). So not only would bullies on the playground kick my ass M-F 8-2...this bitch would try out a "sparing" moves on me and once threw me through our desktop computer...because again...I was fat.

So here I am 25 years old...still fat by gay standards...but not wanting to take any one's shit any longer. I thought I was done with bullies when my last back hair grew but sadly the world is full of all different types of bullies and I do feel you need to know how to protect yourself.

Today starts my official MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) training here in Arizona. Again, if you know anything about me you know I don't do anything half way so instead of taking a beginners class and stretching on the mat and blah blah, I have used my powers or charm, persuasion, and shameless self promotion to get training from UFC Championship Fighter Joey Rivera.

I'm calling him Tommy the Green Ranger...not to his face

He is a really nice guy and his team of trainers aptly named Tiny and Junior are going to not only whip me into amazing shape but allow me to walk the streets at night in my ass less chaps and glitter and not worry about being another victim of a hate crime...because those bullies will be victims of a straight crime. BAM!