Hurricane Catrina and Ass Soup

I realize this is a random post to dedicate but after last week when I received an email from the 173rd Airborne Brigade Combat Team in Afghanistan telling me they enjoyed my blog and to keep up the hilarity I told them I would give them a shout out because without men and women like them I would not have the freedoms to say what I want in any manner and be able to do the the things that I know I take for granted. So to the 173rd Airborne and to all the of troops of the United States and the World...THANK YOU and I wish you and your families a very Merry Christmas and a safe and Happy New Year! Come Home Safely! Yours in spirit - Admiral Glitter of the S.S. Fabulous!

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My roommate just told me the most horrific thing in the entire world. Now, we don't have many conversations so the scale at which this is based is a bit curved but TRUST ME when I say that these words from my roommate are ones that no man should hear....I can't even deal with this and I beg you that if you are reading this near small children, please avert their eyes...He wants to make me dinner!

Ok, you don't get why this is awful and I will explain this to you...but first allow me to regale you with the story as to why he feels the need to poison me...this happened last Thursday:

Roommate Text:
Hey, are you coming home tonight?


Me:
Why? hosting another party with fat underage emo kids?
After my MMA training, what's up?

Roommate:
I need a favor, but I want to talk about with you in person

Me:
oh fuck
ok. see you around 8:30.

What is he going to ask me for? Anything normal like a ride or money we've already exchanged texts about...he's even told me about dating these 12 guys at once and he has to remind me of their names and back stories so I can pretend like I care and try my hardest no to reveal he is cheating on all them...I do...because I know my place. Omg, what if he asks me for a kidney or to be a surrogate!?



Details of your promiscuity do not interest me

So I get home at 8:30 and there is an AWFUL smell in my apartment. Not the normal awful smells that we will discuss but this is was something I couldn't quite figure out.

Me:
Hello?? Roommate?? You here?

Roommate:
In the living room

I approach the living room and see him sitting in one of the chairs looking suspect.
Whatever, he's not on the fridge...it's all i can ask for

Me:
What's under your sweatshirt?
Omfg is it my blind date? Did he hide in the cupboard until one of us got home?! WTF

Roommate:
I think you're going to like this!

Me:
It's moving...I doubt it.

Out of his sweatshirt pops a fucking cat. So there is my roommate, sitting on my now cat hair lined suede couch stroking a cat that I have never seen in my entire life.

Roommate:
I've told you about my cat right?

Me:
You told me your parents had a cat...you didn't mention it was going to come live with us!

Roommate:
No, she's not going to live with us...but I have to watch her this weekend and I forgot I'm going to Mexico! (In fairness, that's like forgetting you're going to New Hampshire as it is so close) and I can't bring her with me...So I was hoping you'd watch her?

Me:
You gotta be kidding me?
You gotta be kidding me?

Roommate:
PLEASE!! I can't take her to Mexico and I really want to go with [insert random trick's name]!! She's so sweet and so easy to take care of! Please!!

Me:
Ugh fine. What's her name?

Roommate:
Hurricane Catrina

Me:
WHAT? Are you fucking kidding me?

Roommate:
No, it's not Katrina it's spelled like Cat so it's not offensive.

Me:
And what? You have a dog named Holocaust or a Hampster named 9/11? This is the worst name for a pet I've ever heard!

Roommate:
You named your dog jenniferlopez (all one word small letters)

Me:
jenniferlopez (all one word small letters) didn't leave hundreds of thousands of people dead and homeless. She got into a gun brawl with Diddy in 1999 and made Gili...that's about as much damage she's ever done! You're sick.

Roommate:
Whatever, that's her name. Besides, she doesn't even answer to it

Me:
Because even she thinks it's a bad name

So he explains to me how to take care of a cat, how to load and empty a litter box blah blah blah. Then he drops this little bomb on me.

Roommate:
So there is one thing...she doesn't like to sleep alone

Me:
Neither do I honey bunches of oats but you get used to it!

Roommate:
No, you have to let her have your room or she'll cry.

Me:
I will just have a big glass of Pino Nioriquil and put my ear plugs in. Problem solved. Plus, he wont even be here!
Fine, she can sleep in my room.

So Roommate leaves on his Sluto de Mayo adventure and I'm left in custody of a 6lb piece of fur that spent 25 min staring at me.  Now I don't really blame her since I was staring back at her but I'm just not a cat person.

Nighttime fell and I put her bed in the living room and made myself a nice big Anna Nicole Cocktail and went to sleep.

3am
meeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

WTF is that? Aren't cats supposed to meow?

mmmmeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I try my hardest to go back to sleep but thru my earplugs and pillows comes

mmmmmmmmmmmerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Omg, what if she's giving birth or choking on something...I did not sign up for this!

mmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I say fine...I'm going to go out and see what the hell is wrong with this thing...I fed it Fancy Feast in a little martini glass just like in the commercial I don't know what is wrong with her.

I open my bedroom door and OH MY GOD...the smell...of cat pee....EVERYWHERE.

Catrina had peed on EVERY WALL IN THE APARTMENT including but not limited to the fridge, the kitchen island, the bookcase, the patio door, and the front door. This stupid bitch was about to be in a Sarah Mclachlan commercial because I was about to give it away. I text my Roommate and ask him if she's sick. Obviously I get:

Roommmate:
Oh, she must be in heat. Sorry. Don't let her on your bed.

As I'm reading this of course I realize she is on my bed...humping my pillows
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr




I'm horny. Horny horny horny. So horny. I'm horny horny horny tonight


I spend 60 min cleaning up cat pee and avoiding being raped so I lock her in Roommates room and threw catnip all over the floor hoping she'd OD. The smell is still in my apt and I told him if it's not gone by the time I get home from Florida I will relight our apartment on fire with him in.

So he gets home from Puerto de Homo Sunday and thanks me for taking such good care of her and how much he appreciates it and that's when he drops the D word on me.

Roommate:
I'm making you dinner tonight

Me:
Ohhhhhh, no that's OK really. Thank you tho.
You could offer me cash for all the fucking swiffer mops and bleach I had to buy

Roommate:
I insist. 8pm sound good?

Why don't I want my roommate to cook me dinner? Because my roommate can't cook for shit!! Now let me tell you the difference between us. I am from a family of AMAZING Italian cooks who have sauce recipes that take days to make.  I am from an Irish family that can make a Sunday dinner that would make you wanna slap your mama. I...am just lazy.  Why would I go through the trouble of preparing a full meal for myself at 9pm when I'm home from the gym when I can just throw in a Lean Cuisine? Now when I'm married...bet my bottom dollar that my man will come home to a delicious dinner as I vacuum the floor in my pearls and the children finish their arithmetic.

Roommate on the other hand...loves to cook...and possibly comes from a family of great cooks...but that gene just did not swim into that embryo sweetie because whatever he cooks smells like it has been sitting in the sun for days rotting. Now I know exactly what he is going to make me...it's his famous dish that he makes every single week. It is affectionately called ASS SOUP. It is called this for 2 reasons 1) It looks like soup 2) It smells like ass. I have seen him eat this A.S. by itself as well as on top of both pasta and rice which makes me believe it is some type of curry. The only thing is I know what curry smells like...and sag, and vindaloos, and Marsala and NONE of them smell as bad as this!!

He makes it every Sunday and the smell just permeates in the entire apartment until late Saturday night despite how many Yankee Candles I light. What boggles my mind even more is that I DONT KNOW WHAT HE MAKES IT WITH!! We don't keep all that much food in our house so my only thought is that he goes to the 24 Korean Grocery store and buys their expired dairy products and boils them for several hours while adding something he found dead on the street. It is disgusting!!

This is a picture of one of it's descendants that has been kept frozen for experimental purposes:







Keep in mind there are NO VEGGIES IN THIS SO WHY IS IT GREEN!!

The bad news is, I couldn't find a good excuse to not go eat dinner with him tonight. The good news is after my food poisoning subsides I am going to 10 lbs closer to my ideal weight!  #SilverLining

My Date With Bear Grylls

So there is a myth about working in radio. There is an old fable that those who work in the entertainment industry can use their connections to basically "score" with whatever sex they set they set their eyes upon.  Supposedly, there is an allure to the average man that places basically anyone who works in a radio station in a position of power over anyone they come across because the average person is instantly enamored with the thoughts of VIP Access, Front Row Seats and of course Meet and Greets with their favorite celebrities...this theory is 100%...TRUE.

I only knew this from knowing and dating DJ's but I have never experienced this surge of superpowers until I moved to Arizona...being a radio DJ is like being 10x more attractive than you actually are because people instantly like what you do.  You don't have to explain your job, you don't have to painstakingly talk about what your major was in college and how you found yourself to be where you are and what your aspirations are...it's all in those two letters D.J....it saves a whole lot of time let me tell you; but like William Shakespeare once said, "With great power, comes great responsibility". Just as easily as you can woo a future a mate with your savvy show biz connections, they can easily pretend to be interested in you and just use you for concert tickets. This actually happened: I dated someone for 3 months who dumped me in the train station after the 2007 Beyonce Experience claiming that seeing Beyonce was the only reason he dated me...trust me you only have to burnt like that once to have a serious wall up when meeting people. Why am I sharing this information with you? Because it will be important to know...so says I.




You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me


We were doing a Radiothon to help poor children who needed toys. It was one of the biggest things my stations have done and it was very successful! When radio stations do something BIG and they do it RIGHT...the outcome is amazing!! This was all of our stations taking on-air shifts and asking people to drop toys off to our set-up and yours truly was going to be doing his FIRST LIVE TELETHON!! It was horrifyingly awesome but luckily I think I did a really good job.  During the show, a giant firetruck pulls up and 4 of Tucson's FINEest got out and literally donated 300 toys and said they enjoyed listening and one of them was quite eager to see what I looked like since supposedly he told my assistant I was cuter than I sounded....still don't know if that is a compliment or not.

Now. the problem with him showing up at a gig to try and flirt with me is that he wasn't talking to "me" at all...he was talking to "Work Me"...Work Me is one of the reasons I think I am so successful. Work Me is "On" from the time I step foot at that gig until the time I leave. I am there for 2 reasons only, 1) Entertain the Masses 2) Get Paid. I have no interest in meeting new love interests because I am there to do a good job and make everyone I work with/for look good. So I was paying NO attention to him which in retrospect might be my new plan of attack because he was enjoying my "hard to get".  When I did have a break I thanked them for dropping off the toys and regaled them with my story of my sociopath roommate lighting our apartment on fire earlier in the week. We talked for a bit but I was not flirting AT ALL....now again, I am not saying I am incapable of flirting...If I'm not working I will flirt with you, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, their boyfriend, the bartender, the cabbie and sometimes myself...but even when he gave me his card and said "Well if you ever want to reach me without calling 9-1-1 here is my number" my response was AWFUL. "Oh awesome, I'll make sure my roommate knows that too, have a great day and thanks for listening!" Yes, I'm a schmuck and it wasn't until my assistant literally slapped me for being so aloof of his advances that I got worried. "Holy Crap, a really hot fireman just spent and hour flirting with me and all I could do was talk about these stupid poor kids and Kate Middleton's baby...I fucking suck". I was reluctant to call him....but then I realized that meeting a cute guy with a job in this town is like finding a leprechaun...and even better...he wasn't the size of a leprechaun so I was all about it...I called him that night and apologized...he laughed and explained if I tried to hit on him during a fire he probably wouldn't have paid too much attention to me either....well that's good to know. Before I knew, we were planning a date!!

Once the date was set, I did what any normal guy in my position does...

1) Update my Bloomingdale's Bridal Registry
2) Light a candle and pray to my ancestors who I know don't want the Doherty name to end with me.
3) Check to see if the domain name OurTwoNamesAreGettingMarried.com is taken. If it is, I just run through the list of names I'd ask him to change so that we'd have a cute website.

We're on the phone...
Fireman:
So what do you want to do?

Me:
Get Engaged
Um, I'm up for anything!!

Fireman:
Do you like to hike?

Me:
Hike? Oh sure, I love hiking

Fireman:
Awesome! I'm a big outdoors guy

Me:
Me too!**



**Ok, I know that's a lie but you don't understand how attractive this guy was!! Now I have good reason to hate the outdoors and I'll quickly share it with you. When I was 10 my mother took me and my sister to a "camp" that a friend of hers ran in North Conway, NH...but it wasn't exactly a camp...it was an outdoors weekend retreat for emotionally unstable kids who were into cutting themselves. While my mother didn't know that upon arrival, she was too tired to drive us home since we got lost and it took us 9 hours to get there so she made us stay the night. Since the boys and girls were in different bunks, I am by myself in a cabin where most of the other campers were strapped to their beds. Oh but it get better!! My mom's friends' ex husband comes to the camp in the middle of the night to reclaim custody of their 2 sons WHO ARE IN MY BUNK and breaks in with a SHOTGUN and AXE to take them away...shots were fired and the husband ended up killing himself and before you know it we're on our way to the Loon Mountain Resort...so no, I am not the "outdoors" type. Ps- for more great mom stories keep and eye out for The Debbie Chronicles coming in 2013!







Camp Acutcharistin '97

 


Camp Counselor Bob

 

Fireman:

Oh, awesome! Love guys who are into the outdoors. Hey do you know what would be great?

Me:

Your last name after my first?

What?

Fireman:
We should hike up Star Pass Mountain and watch the sunrise!!  Sunrise is going to be at 6:45 so if I pick you up by 5 and we're at the path by 5:15, we should be at the summit within the hour!

Me:
AM?? I think you've inhaled too much smoke there buddy
Ohhh that does sound great but...I'm actually allergic to sunrises...yea, it's a rare vampire epilepsy condition...can't do them. Sawwee :0(

Fireman:
Oh, ok...how about 8?

Me:
10?

Fireman:
9?

Me:
Deal

Ok, awesome!! I have a date with a hot fireman (yay!) and we're going hiking (boo)...but it's OK because I have the cutest Lulu Lemon tracksuit that I've been dying to wear as it shows off my great assets.

When you spend Saturday night drinking bottles of wine and watching Harry Potter movies in the tub you don't realize how quickly Sunday morning sneaks up on you! But there it was 8:30am on a beautiful Sunday morning and I woke up to 3 texts from him!

Text 1 7:05am
Hey it's Fireman, just seeing if you're up and maybe wanted to get on the road earlier. Looking forward to seeing you!

Text 2 7:45am
Guess you're Mr. Sleepy...hope you're up soon! I'll be there at 9!

Text 3 8:25am
Hey buddy I'm at your place. Don't rush, just wanted to let you know I'm here.

Bitch you are 35 minutes early!! Don't you know that me waking up at 8:30 gives me exactly enough time to pee, wash my face, apply spf 15 tinted moisturizer, brush my teeth, and eat a bowl of cereal...you have left me with NONE OF THIS!! I am so mad but that quickly goes away after I brush my teeth and put on my outfit. Lulu Lemon tracksuit, Red Sox Hat, customized multi-colored New Balance sneakers and a pair of Dior aviators...LET'S KICK THIS SHIT NATURE!

As I approach his car he gets out like a gentlemen to greet me...and I notice something very wrong/right with this picture...he is in skin tight under armour and is wearing some kind of utility belt with hooks...may I remind you that this is only our first date.

Me:
That's an interesting outfit. Lance Armstrong having a yard sale?

Fireman:
You should talk, you look like Victoria Beckham going through an airport.

Clearly, I'm now head over heals in love with him...I mean...he just compared me to Posh Spice!




Like looking into a mirror


Fireman:
What'd you have for breakfast?

Me:
A cup of coffee and a klonopin
Umm a protein shake...and a protein..bar?

He's driving and rattling off something about complex carbohydrates and I can do nothing but think about making jello shot molds out of the serrations of his muscles...and plan where our  3rd kid is going to college.  Maybe we should just skip hiking and I can make him elope against his will??

So we arrive at one of the billion state parks Arizona has to offer and we park the car...somethings missing...something very important...

Me:
Oh, where is the trail?

Fireman:
That's the best part about this park...you make your own trail!!

No bitch, Lewis and Clark "made their own trail" and people died of dysentery and oxen drowned...I like using other peoples trails, thanks!

Fireman:
Is that the only water you brought?

Me:
This is the 33oz Fiji...shit is $4.50 a bottle!

Fireman:
You won't last the first two hours

Me:
I had plans to be drinking mimosas in 2 hours...preferably off your abs
I'll be fine!

And so began the WORST NATURE EXPERIENCE I have ever had. He basically just sprinted vertically up the mountain...no trail...no idea if the rock I'm about to hop over had a dead drop at the other side and SWEATING MY ASS OFF!! My idea of hiking is  briskly walking through a path and perhaps stop and admire the cute desert animals...apparently his idea of hiking was X-TREME MOUNTAIN CLIMBING!!   We ascend a few thousand feet and he stops me -

Fireman:
Be careful!! That's a jumping cactus!

Me:
A fucking what?

Fireman:
It's a jumping cactus...normal cacti wait until you near them to prick you but a jumping cactus is attracted to the static electricity in your body and will LEAVE THE PLANT AND ATTACK YOU.

BEFORE



AFTER.
THIS IS SOME SUPER MARIO BROTHERS BULL SHIT!



Literally, this guy was jumping over boulders and running up this mountain. I kept a smile on my face the whole the time but part of me wished a loose rock would give way and I would be put out of my misery. To make matters worse, he takes off his shirt because again it's 1,000,000,000,000 degrees Celsius out and me with my Body Dismorphic Disorder gave me one more reason I will never eat anything again. We reach 2/3 way up and I took some photos for your enjoyment.



TRAIL BLAZER



How do I end this?? He has like 10,000 more feet he wants to go and I cant...I just cant...chiseled jaw, giant biceps, and six pack abs be damned...I had to get out of here.

Me:
OWWWWWWWW!!!

Fireman (sprints down the mountain at lightning speed):
What's a matter kiddo?

Me:
It's my ankle...I caught it in a rock and I think it might be broken

Fireman:
Well I'm an EMT too...I can tell you if it's broken

Me:
Fuck. Of course you are.
Gee, I hope it's not...I'll be so mad if I can't finish the hike!

Fireman:
Awww, don't worry about that... no it's not broken...but it might be sprained...I should get you down the mountain and get you home

Me:
Can we stop at the liquor store first?
If you think it'd be best!

I'd love to say he carried me down the mountain but even I couldn't punish the man like that.  He was a gentleman tho and helped me all the way down and into his car.

Fireman:
I feel so bad. You would have loved the view in about another 45 minutes. We'll go another time tho.

Me:
Yes, when I own a helicopter. And do you know what desert looks like at 3,000 feet? The same fucking thing it looks like a 3 feet...DESERT!
I'd like that.

So not only did he take me home and wrap my ankle for me, he has texted every day to make sure I am feeling better and wants to take me out again...sadly, the "doctor" says I can't hike for at least another 3-5 years...but a short walk down to the altar would do me fine ;0)

Ouchie :0p

The Time I Went To Prison

So here is a fun new twist - my BOSS is now friends with me on facebook and therefore will probably read my blog at some point. Nothing is really going to change but I feel as tho the following is appropriate:

This blog is provided solely for entertainment purposes. The opinions expressed in this blog do not reflect the views and opinions of Clear Channel Media and Entertainment, it's subsidiaries, or affiliates. The blog does not constitute medical or legal advice, and is not intended for use in the diagnosis or treatment of individual patients or conditions, or as a substitute for consultation with a licensed medical professional. The mention of any person, company, product, service, mentioned in this blog does not constitute an endorsement of any kind and will assume no responsibility for any injury or damage to persons or property arising out of or related to any use of this blog or to any errors or omissions.

I'm confident that nothing is going to go wrong because:
1) My boss is the coolest guy ever
2) The daughter of the CFO of the entire company is a friend and big fan of me and the blog so I'm good.

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Surprisingly, I have never been arrested before. Now I'm not saying I run around committing crimes all the time but there have been several occurrences that certainly would have warranted at least a one nighter in a holding cell. For instance, one time I was drunk at London Heathrow Airport and since they wouldn't let me on the plane for being drunk I threatened to have the gate agent beheaded. Now, this was not a random threat - my dad knows the President, who knows the Queen who can have people beheaded so thanks to Kevin Bacon I held this person's life in my hands...and they held me at the airport until the next morning.

Then there was the time I tried to use my Fake New York ID to get into a club. The cop at the door took my ID, read it and asked me a simple question. "Westchester huh? Is that Upstate or out on Long Island?" my response of "Kind of both" didn't appease him and I ran away...thank god I run on my toes I'm like a Kenyan.

Last year I got escorted out of club because I might have decided to get wasted and get on stage wearing nothing but an afro wig and leopard shoes...sometimes I have theme nights when I go out...except I'm the only one doing them.

And then of course there was the time I accidentally kidnapped Jesse McCartney but that was totally NOT my fault!

The fact that it took me a move to Arizona for me to end up in prison is an event in my life that I did not expect and it all has to do with LiL' Kim...

Several weeks ago I received an email from a woman asking me about hosting an event.  Now, as I've said before...there is very little I won't do for money but like a good trick I always ask what's expected of me before I disclose pricing. "Oh, it's PCC Family Day so we just want you to greet the families, make some announcements, play some music, and maybe bring t-shirts." Ok, sounds simple enough. I tell the very nice lady I'm in and she can email me the details. I hang up the phone and quickly ask a co-worker what PCC is? Pina Community College she tells me. Sweet! That is right down the street from my apartment and there is nothing I love more than sexually confused freshmen so this might be a win-win situation! The very nice lady...we'll call her Veronica...phones me again.

Veronica:
Just to clarify...you're a hip-hop dj right?

Me:
Um, yes*

Veronica:
Ok great, we just want to make sure you'll be bringing the right sort of dj to the event. See you soon!

*Am I a hip-hop dj? Technically Yes! I have done a few shifts on the hip-hop station here i, I have dj'd in clubs around the US where I have played hip-hop music and I have loved hip-hop since I bought my first CD The Notorious K.I.M back in 2000...I remade a Nicki Minaj rap song and I have even made a video detailing the History of Hip Hop which for legal reasons I cannot share with you but here are some highlights:





FROM THE 70'S





TO THE 80's




THE 90's



AND TO SUPER BASS

 So gig days rolls around and I prepare for what is sure to be a very ordinary gig but I put on a little extra body shimmer because the weather here is really nice and when the sun hits it I look like I'm from Twilight...I also wear my flat brimmed Red Sox Hat which is my standard "hip hop" hat that I wear when meeting and working anything related to hip-hop...and off I go.

Please see: HIP HOP HAT

I drive to Pina Community College and check in...but don't seem to be on the list....hmmm? I wonder if there is another campus perhaps I should be at? I then look down at my phone and check the address...oh crap I'm at the wrong location. I jump back into my car...and speed away...my gps says I'm nearing the location...no campus in sight...keep driving and I all of a sudden I'm in a really bad neighborhood...like the type of neighborhood you only go to if you have to and even then you shouldn't go. I quickly call my contact

Veronica:
This is Veronica

Me:
Hi Veronica, I'm so sorry I'm running late I went to the wrong campus.

Veronica:
Campus?

Me:
Yea I thought it was the Pina Community College Main campus but this must be there a...South Side location?

Veronica:
I'm sorry but you're mistaken. The event is not at Pina Community College, we are the 
Pina County Corrections department. The event is at the penitentiary.

Me (never losing my cool):
Oh, excellent. Sorry, I got my PCC's mixed up haha. So I am at the right address now then I suppose?

Veronica:
Yup, just go through the visitors entrance and once you're cleared through security I'll bring you in and introduce you.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! I have never been so nervous in my entire life. There is a small chance I even lost control of my bowels in that short moment but there wasn't time to think about it. I am about to go and host a Family Day...at a prison...in Arizona...AT A PRISON. I pull my car up to the gate and check in...the guard looks at me.

Guard:
You're the hip hop dj?

OH FUCK! I forgot I told them I was a hip hop dj. I was a fake, a sham. I have never read "Word Up" magazine...I mean I sometimes peruse "Ebony Hairstyles" while I'm at the airport but that's about it. These inmates and their families are expecting DJ Clue and they are getting DJ GLITTER...again, confidence is key.

Me:
(upwards head nod) You know it homie.

Guard:
Pull up to the gate and the security team will escort you in.

I pull up and want to throw up because I'm so nervous.  Everything in Arizona is bigger by design because there is just so much damn space so this place was like a fortress. I check-in through security.

Guard:
Sorry, you can't bring that phone case in here...too flashy.

Flashy? They're inmates, not barracudas! And it's not that flashy...just your run of the mill crystal sided Louis Vuitton case my sister go me for my birthday. These guards have no taste.

I go through security and I meet Veronica and as I expected she looked all kinds of confused.

Veronica:
DJ?

Me:
Hi!

Veronica:
Oooh so nice to meet you. Sorry...you don't look like what I had pictured.

Really bitch? You sounded just as fat.

Me:
I know right! That's the magic of radio I guess!

Veronica:
So I figured you can welcome everyone and talk about you know how great it is to be here. You know, this is more for the families than the inmates and holidays can be so tough and lonely on them missing their dads and brothers and such so if you can touch upon that too it'd be great. If you have any personal stories you can share, it'd be great too...relate to them more a little bit.

Woman let's clarify something...I'm in a JAIL...there is NOTHING great about being here! You never mentioned any of this to me before and now i'm about to go on your little rickety ass stage in front of 2,000 of Arizona's most dangerous criminals and wish them all a Happy Holiday?! Oh gurl.

Now some of you might be saying "Oh, I thought you'd be happy to be there. It'd be like being in OZ. Just don't drop the soap ha ha." NO as a matter of fact this was NOTHING like OZ except for the surplus of neck tattoos but that's about it. Everyone looked like a Mexican version of Suge Knight.

So I did what I always do...I went to work. I addressed the crowd, thanked them for having me...told the families how much their love and support in these difficult times is appreciated and wished them all a Happy Holidays...not bad DJ Glitter...not bad.

Then Veronica opened her big fucking mouth "And the dj will be here giving away free things and playing music SO MAKE SURE YOU GO AND VISIT HIM"

Anyone who has ever worked at a radio appearance will know that people go ape shit over free things. It could be the stupidest thing in the entire world, but if it's free...they want 12 of it. T-shirts are the golden item. I have used T-shirts as currency at many events for free food. So here's a question...

What happens when you have 10 t-shirts for 2,000 prisoners? You have 1090 pissed off prisoners.

I have seen movies where they shank someone for not having the right apple juice and now I have a mob of FEDERALLY CHARGED getting angry at me for not having enough free shit...I have never wanted my mommy more in my life.

I explain to Veronica the situation and she says "I told you it was going to be an event for 2,000"

And that's fantastic...but even if this was an armless legless terminally ill blind orphan event I STILL would not have 2,000 prizes!

Me:
I'm happy to play some music for the rest of the time??

Veronica:
What kind of music?

Lady Gaga bitch, I figured I can maybe orchestrate a flash mob like they did in Taiwan

Me:
Hip-hop?

Veronica:
Ok good. You just don't look like the type of person that knows hip-hop.

You don't look like the type of person that knows Weight Watchers why don't you shut the fuck up and let me do my job!?

And away I went...as always I impressed. Some KRS One, some Biggie, some Tupac and obviously some Nicki Minaj as well as a lot of other music...the inmates themselves were actually all very nice and were a little disappointed that I didn't have any country music. I got to spend some time talking to the families and the inmates themselves and some of the stories were really sad. I never was judgmental or snobbish and it got me think about how nice it is to be able to see my family whenever I want...not just on "Family Day".  I also think I showed them that a white boy with body shimmer can break down stereotypes of what a "hip hop" dj can look like.

"And if you a G, be an F-A-G, my name is Glitter, you can call me Sean D." - Pride Floats

An Open Letter To My 16 Year Old Self

I wanted to take a blog and write myself a letter. So often, we are consumed with the present that we forget how long and short our lives are. In the blink of an eye, a day, a year..a decade can pass and if you don't take the time to appricate what you had you will never appriciate what you have.

November 23, 2002

Dear Sean,

Congratulations!! Today is your Sweet 16 birthday!! How are you feeling? I bet you're amped to finally get your permit and start crusing around in any one of the 3 Buicks your family has.  Let's talk about your life right now huh? Just in case you're stressing about the concrete jungle (trademark that!!) that is highschool.

You're a junior at Matignon High School or as the Boston Herald just dubbed it "Oxy Contin" High. You aren't a straight A student but you don't have to be. You love your creative writing class but you struggle severely with Chemistry but it's not your fault...your teacher does not speak English and this being a post 9/11 world everyone thinks that because she's from Pakistan she is going to blow up the school.  Speaking of, your President George W Bush just signed the Homeland Security Act and started the Department of Homeland Security. This is supposed to make air travel safer and more efficient...it wont. Just do yourself a favor and always wear clean socks when you travel.

You live in the shadow of your 17 year old sister who is pretty much queen of the school...everyone's her friend but she isnt popular because she's easy...she's popular because she is a giant bitch but don't worry, after 2004 a movie called Mean Girls is going to come out and being a bitch is going to become super trendy...but she's still going to be a bitch.  Tell her to stop robbing the cradle and dating freshman and sophomores..it's really uncomfortable for you especially since one of them is like an 18 year old Freshman. Beep her on her Nextel and tell her that when you get a chance...you're so cool with your color screen...and these phones can even text...but why would you text when you can just call someone right? You think its just a fad...you're a moron.




It aint trickin if ya got it

Sooooo you're bisexual huh? Loving your drama club and not all that interested in girls even tho they are all your friends...you would probably have sex with a girl if she wanted...oh yea...you'd hit that....but it'd have to be really special...candles, rose pedals...oh and she...would be a dude. CUT THE SHIT nobody believes you!! The only person who did a worse job being the closet was Anne Frank. I mean, your old girlfriend now goes to your school and is dating every brown guy she can get her hands on...get off that bandwagon and get on the man wagon it's not a big deal...nobody is going to care. Still convinced you're "bi" huh? But you happen to wander into that M4M chat on AIM an awful lot and that a/s/l just seems to fly right off your fingers. Get over it homo and go back to enjoying Milkshake.

You had a really deep and meaningful relationship with your girlfriend tho...let's take a second and remeber the magic from the early years and if this isnt super straight I dont know what is:

Sadly, you are never ever ever getting back together (write that down)

Speaking of music...what is on your Napster Mix Cd these days?

You just found out that Beyonce is taking a "break" from Destiny's Child!! Calm down....they are not broken up...they actually are taking a break...and actually, her CD will be really good....Kelly is going to come out with this manic drepressive song about school shootings and do a duet with Nelly...not too shabby...Michelle is going fly off the handle and be broke until they reuinte in a few years...you'll be fine.

You think it's weird that Britney just made out with Madonna at the VMA's well go to the store, buy a hat, and HOLD THE FUCK onto it because she just boarded the express train to Crazytown...she has peaked and I'm really sorry. Take a good long look at Xtina too by the way...pretty hot huh? Well she's taking the oneway express train to Pepperidge Farm...and Madonna will be around forever because well....she's bathes in phamaldehide.

As for Dream, 3LW and Diddy's "Da Band"....not so much.

This guy right here:

His name is Pitbull, right now he's just on a few random Daddy Yankee songs but in 2012 he is going to on EVERY SONG ON THE RADIO!! Get used to it.

You just found out Paris Hilton made a sex tape!?!! Omg you're thinking her career is so over...nobody can be famous after a sex tape....SEAN...if you can swing it after you turn 18...MAKE A SEX TAPE! I don't care who it's with but MAKE ONE...and shop it around...you'll be glad you did!

Let's talk about your face shall we? You know that feeling you have every morning that you want to find a cat and skin it alive just to watch it cry...that's your ACUTANE....cut the shit out. You cannot keep using tinted moisturizer because it leaves your skin too dry and like a cracking porcelain doll..plus no bisexual guy wears tinted moisturizer nancy.  

Now you're probably getting frustrated because when you exchange pictures with a guy on AIM or XY.COM  he never seems interested in you well let me tell you why...YOU LOOK LIKE A SEX OFFENDER. A goatee? at 16? You have too round of a face for that. Plus you're Irish so it's growing in RED. Speaking of red hair...STOP TRYING HIGHLIGHTS they do not work with your round face and chubby cheeks make you look like a "blonde" Korean. Earth toned Old Navy turtle neck sweaters?? Yes, I realize you watched NSYNC's This I Promise You video and you think its a good look...its not. Same thing with the Union Bay Cargo Kahkis...I realize you don't like jeans but PLEASE go get some and for FUCKS SAKE please stop wearing LUGZ. I realize you are too poor to afford Sketchers because you're too busy spending your Star Market paycheck trying the new "stand up" tanning beds from that new Hollywood Tans and buying color contacts because you think your Naomi Campbell but save your pennies. Don't forget to take off all five gold rings you're wearing to school everyday after you bathe yourself in Nautica. To top it off you wear FULL LENGTH leather coats!! Yes, they were very popular in London and yes, they are very expensive but you are 16 years old. You have about as much sex appeal as a school bus fire and you look like a lesbian. A lesbian sex offender.



NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT



Yea....you're not them either

Family life at home is awful. You went from awesome to orphan in a matter of months and while your mom is in rehab and your dad is in Afghanistan you and your sister worry about what's going to happen to the two of you. Stay close to her, you will need each other more than you ever know. Yes, she is a speed demon in her '94 Buick LeSabre but those nights you have just cruising around Woburn blasting mix cd's and are going to be some of the most amazing nights of your life. Don't be in too much of a rush to grow up...you're going to do that anyways...and you're going to go bald because you abused your hair dumb ass.

I don't want to get your hopes up but I wanted to let you in on some of your dreams and goals and let you know which one of those you'll be able to check off:

You're NOT going to be on the next/any season of Degrassi
You're NOT going to get cast in the next made for TV movie starring the Olsen Twins
You're NOT going to date Kristin Kreuk from Smallville or Danny from Real World New Orleans
You're NOT going to move to NYC after high school and "try and make it" It will never be 3 bucks 2 bags and 1 you.
You're NOT going to lose your virginity before you graduate.....college.

You WILL go to an amazing college even though your SAT's kinda sucked
You WILL get an incredible job and make your parents proud
You WILL go on to meet amazing people and you will be a great friend to them
You WILL meet some really awful people and you will make a fierce enemy
You WILL fall in love and someone WILL fall in love with you...SPOILER ALERT: It's going to be a guy.
You WILL get your heart broken because of a bad romance (write that one down too)

Well Sean I really hope you enjoy the next 10 years....the day you turn 26 you'll realize how fortunate you were to have been your 16 year old self despite your terrible skin and awful Boston accent. Your life isn't perfect but stop thinking anyone's is. Your dad will come home safely, your mom will get sober, and your sister will still be your best friend...and a complete bitch.

That's the hotness

Keep smiling and keep working hard. The "real world" is even bigger and scarier than you think and there are things you don't even know about that are going to hurt you but you have amazing friends; some you know now and some you will meet in the years to come but you are going to emerge from that awkward teenage shell and be one fucking amazing butterfly.

Be well and be safe,

Sean Doherty
11.23.2012


PS: buy APPLE stock!! 

My Roommate Throws A "Party"...a 9-1-1 Party

Hi All - before you read my latest post I just want to say THANK YOU to all of you for the 4,000+ blog views!!! My blog has been read in 12 different countries and is being translated in 4 different languages so thank you for spreading the love!!! And away we go....

I can't imagine I'm the easiest the person in the world to live with.  I run the blender at all hours of the morning making my HERBALIFE NUTRITION SHAKES, I leave clothes in the dryer all the time because well...I never learned how to fold clothes and thus just wear them out the dryer because my parents are not there to fold for me; and every morning I dance naked to one randomly selected Destiny's Child Song...sometimes in my room....NEVER near the blender... and often near the dryer because it's warm. But as cavalier as I am with my nudity and as difficult as it is to get glitter out of a suede couch I have NEVER caused someone to end up in the hospital and be on the verge of death...my roommate however, is not as fortunate.





Kelly, can you handle this?

 It all begin innocently enough.  My roommate informs me that he will be having a party clearly with no indication that an invitation was offered to me.

Roommate:
Yea, I'm having a party Saturday night?

The questioned inflection in his voice indicated to me that he wanted to know where I'd be while his shin dig was going on.  Luckily, I was booked to DJ a Gay night up in Phoenix. Ahhh, the return of DJ GLITTER in The Valley Of The Sun...a chance to break out my MAC gift card and try on those sequins shorts I got for my birthday...I felt like I was 5 again. 

Roommate:
So you know that bottle of red wine you have in the cabinet?

Me:
Yea?

Roommate:
Well I know you said you didn't drink red wine and both of your parents came and didn't drink it so I was wondering if I could have it?

Seriously? You got on my case about using too many dryer sheets (again I have no idea what those things do so I guess 10 was too many...but not the point) and now you want my booze? Gurl.

Roommate:
It's fine if you don't want me to have it. Oh, did you still need a ride to the airport next week?

You little bitch. Fine! Take my bottle of red wine. You're right. I don't drink it. I tried to get into red wine. Lord knows everyone in the Southwest has a 1/2 cow and bottle of Chianti for dinner and I was just trying to fit in!!

Me:
No, go ahead. But I don't need a ride to the airport actually. I got a limo. #DIVA

Saturday rolls around and I finish my live broadcast and head home to change before heading to Phoenix when my phone rings. It's the club...they don't need me tonight. FUUUUUCCCCCCKKKK. I don't have that many friends in this town but I scramble to see if any of them want to hang out. I call my boss and see if he needs any of the shows filled. Nothing. I had worked so hard to get my Saturday night off that I actually succeeded in getting my Saturday night off. I hate that I'm so good at my job.

I phone the roommate and tell him the news.

Roommate:
Oh, so you're not going to just go anyways?

Yea I'll just drive 2 hours and go clubbing by myself in a city I've never been out in. Hey Matthew Sheppard that's a swell idea. Sorry buddy I'm home for the night. Don't worry you won't even notice me...I guarantee.

I spend some extra hours at the radio station to give the party a chance to kick into gear and arrive home at approximately 8:45pm Arizona Standard Time. I walk into my apartment to find a party the likes of which I have never seen before. 8 people...boys and girls...sitting down...reading.

Roommate:
Oh, guys don't mind him. He's not coming to the party.

Me:
Oh people y'all really need to look up this "party" term
Hi everyone. Don't mind me...I'm just going to grab my dinner and head into my room.

I open the fridge and see NONE of my prepared dished. I make Chilli in my crock pot every Sunday and Wed and chicken every Tuesday and Fri...WHERE THE FUCK IS MY FOOD!?

Nerd 1:
We accidentally threw away your tupperware. We thought it was empty.

You thought my CLEAR tupperware full of CHILLI was empty? You have four eyes can't one of them see correctly?

Roommate:
That's not true. We just wanted room for the hummus and Papa John's we ordered, you can have some if you want.

Me:
ooooook...where is it?

Nerd 2:
Oh, no there isnt any left. Sorry. Andy ate it all.

Ok where is Andy because I am going to kick his ass!!

Suddenly I look into my water glass and notice ripples. The ground starts to move and I start having fears of an earthquake or a T-Rex attack...it got cold...like all the happiness was taken out of the room somehow...when suddenly this massive being waddles into the room...it's Andy...short for Andrea but wide for Andreaisagianthippotomous.

Nerd 3:
Andy, you ate all the Papa Johns?

Andy:
I'm sorry guys, you know I get hungry at parties.

Bitch, you're READING. This isn't a party! You get hungry reading?! Jesus Christ. Fine!! I'll just make some scramble eggs. Carry about your business.

Now, let me just quickly describe my apt. From my kitchen I have a direct view into my living room as it is an open plan kitchen. Please see diagram:




DO NOT CALL FOR PRICING! NO GOOD CAN COME OF THIS!



So as I'm preparing my scramble eggs I gain insight into what my roommates "party" entails.  You might need a Dramamine because this is about to get R-O-W-D-Y. Everyone brings their own copy of a certain Harry Potter book and they go around reading it to each other...but they don't just read it...they read it out loud in terrible terrible terrible British accents. I have never wished to be struck deaf so quickly.

Oy, A-ree Po-ah


While I wait for my stove to pre-heat I try and make casual conversation with the sideshow.

Me:
So do you guys go to school with Roommate?

Nerd 5:
Well, we met at my work

Me:
Oh awesome! What do you do

Nerd 5:
I'm a manager at Blockbuster

Me:
What?

Nerd 5:
Blockbuster Video?

Me:
No I heard you I'm not retarded...they still have those?
Nerd 5:
Um yea? Why?

Me:
Oh I don't know...only because NOBODY GOES TO BLOCKBUSTER ANYMORE. Why don't you tell me you breed pterodactyls I think I'd believe you more. Blockbuster? Really? Next.  

Nerd 4:
Well me and Andy are students of Roommate (roommate is a teacher)

Me:
Ohhhh...so how old are you?

Nerd 4:
We're 20

Fucking fantastic. I'm providing alcohol to fat, unattractive minors. Shoot me. 

Let me just take a second and describe the 9th World Wonder Andrea for a second shall I?
20 years old. 350lbs 5'2 stringy black hair that looks like its wet but you know it isn't, an odor or Bath and Body Works Cucumber Melon body spray and feet and wearing a SPAGHETTI STRAP BLACK TANK TOP. No, you are not reading a description from a 1998 Teen Movie this is a real person sitting in my living room.

Now I'm not being harsh on Andrea because she's fat....because remember I was a fat kid once and am still morbidly obese in the eyes of the gays so this isn't about judging fatty mcfat face. My hatred from Andrea comes from the fact that she was being a total bitch to me...and she ate my food...I also think she had my weeks work worth of chili as an appetizer because I did not find any evidence that it was thrown away but that is just my suspicion.

Suddenly Andy stands up...throws her arms in the air...shakes violently and falls to her knees. Great, now I have to replace the broken floorboard...thank god they're not reading 50 Shades of Grey is all I'm thinking.

She does it again and is shaking very violently. Part of me thinks she is about to bust into the opening sequence from the Lion King....but this time falls over completely...Roommate starts to look scared. She gets back up and is sweating...you sweat while you read too? Really Andy?

I ask her if she's Ok...she doesn't respond. She's awake but incoherent. Ok, now I'm nervous.

Me:
Is she ok?

Roommate:
I think you should call 911. She has a bad heart. He then starts to cry and curls up in a ball. That's helpful.  The other nerds leave to supposedly "find help"...or rent The Help from Blockbuster I really wasn't paying attention.

Again, I am not making light of the situation now nor was I then but I am very much about taking responsibility for your body. You're 20 years old and according to the height/weight chart should be 7'9 but you insist on eating everything you see AND doing drugs? And now I have to clean up your mess? FAN-TASTIC. I debate between calling animal control and 9-1-1 and chose the latter.

911:
9-1-1 (WAH WAH WAH WAH)

Me:
What?!

911:
(WAH WAH WAH WAH)

Me:
omg it's like talking to the teacher from Charlie Brown...I can't make out what this bitch is saying.
I hang up and dial again.

911:
9-1-1 what is your emergency?

Me:
Hi, I have a girl here and I think she might be having a heart attack.

911:
Ok, what is your address

Me:
Tucson Address

PAUSE...LONG PAUSE...LONGER PAUSE

911:
Sir, I am not showing your address on my map

Me:
WHAT?!  Are you serious? I need an ambulance!

911:
Sir, that address is not showing up on my system are you sure you have the right address?

Me:
I LIVE HERE! YES I HAVE THE RIGHT ADDRESS!

In my mind she was going to respond with DO NOT GET LOUD WITH ME SIR, DO NOT GET LOUD WITH ME...but she did not.

911:
Sir, I am going to have to put you on hold.

So Papa John's knows where I live...but the Tucson Police and Fire do not?? Peachy.

At this point Andrea rolls off of the couch. Roommate has locked himself in his room hysterically crying and my eggs are ruined. I prioritize. My phone is on speaker and I go over to pick Andrea up. DO YOU KNOW WHAT 350 POUNDS OF DEAD WEIGHT FEELS LIKE? My balls sure do! I live about 2 blocks from a hospital....if this bitch doesn't get back to me I am going to have to put Andrea into my car and drive her...I wish I had a forklift.

911:
Sir, we have dispatched paramedics and police to your location.

Me:
thank you!

911:
Do I need to stay on the phone with you?

Me:
Do you have something better to do?! I'd appreciate it.

Now, in semi fairness to the first response team of Tucson I live in a new gated community so it's not actually on google maps yet...but I live here with like 1,000 other people so God help them all in the event of a Rapture.




There's no place called home

I try and coerce Roommate out of his room. And I also try to ask Andrea questions to keep her occupied. Luckily, I came up with a genius idea...I asked her what she had to eat today...that'll keep her going for an hour or so.

The paramedics arrive and even they have the "Oh Shit" look on their faces when they see Andy. They start asking her questions about her health while they take her vitals and ready the crane to load her into the ambulance. They secure her down and take her away. I now have to get Roommate out of his room, find her nearest family and friends and let them know that she's in the hospital...up until 45 minutes ago my plans involved scrambled eggs, an apricot facial scrub, and perhaps 1-2 dance numbers in my room...and now I'm fucking Mariska Hargitay on SVU.

All set...lives at home...family notified...Roommate is useless and I meet her sister at the hospital because I'm a nice guy. I ask the sister if she'll be ok and she replies with the following:

"Oh, she'll be fine. This happens a lot. She has a pacemaker and if she gets too excited it can go off if she doesn't take her beta blockers"



Now...I'm not a doctor. I'll admit this right here and now. I have dated a nurse and cuddled with a doctor but that is about as much medical experience as I've had so my diagnosis might be uneducated but...THIS SHOULDN'T HAPPEN RIGHT!?!?! She was in a circle reading...it was not Caligula...I'm not certain how she got overly excited nor am I certain that a pacemaker should randomly "go off" but in the end I was just glad nobody died and Andy was as fine as she could be....I seriously need a new roommate.









She's OK!



My Blind Date From Hell...but at least Hell is hot

For this blog, everything in italics is what I'm thinking...I don't have the balls to say the things you will read in italics

It is no surprise that things in the love department have been painfully slow since my move to Tucson and there are several factors that comprise this. 1) I (thankfully) work 7 days a week 2) there are 2 gay bars in a city of 1 million people so your choices are slim 3) This is the 6th most dangerous city in the country so my glitter and short shorts have been sitting in my closet safe and bullet hole free.

Now don't get me wrong...I'm a gay male in the 21st century...I have apps on my phone that can have a 6ft deep pan green eyes pair of loafers and no socks delivered to my door in 15min or less...but I'm not that kind of girl. I'm the kind of girl that likes to go out on the town and meet people, have a reason to get dressed up and enjoy good conversation as I knock back 3-4 martinis...then I'm the first type of girl. JK.

I made the HORRIBLE mistake one day of telling one of the sales people at my station that I hadn't been on a good date since I've arrived and that's when things went terribly awry. All of sudden everyone and their mother at my radio station was coming into my office with guys they wanted to set me up with. Their nephews, their friends sons (and one daughter which I still don't understand) other people at the station (made that mistake once before never again) and basically everyone they knew that could be gay/Canadian. I felt like fucking Ling-Ling the panda and if I didn't find a mate soon they gays were going be extinct.

Courtesy of the Save the Homo Foundation

So one of the sales people who is about to make me oodles of money tells me she has the "PERFECT GUY" for me. Now like I said, this is a woman who is working on making me a large sum of money so I really can't piss her off and say no so I ask if she has a picture of him...she shows a picture of him, her and their other friend all sitting down and drinking wine. Perfect, I can't possibly go on a date with someone who doesn't drink...call me old fashioned.

Saturday rolls around and I'm somewhat excited to get out on the town. I do my normal wax, bleach, tan, bronze, glitter, spackle and spritz routine just to make sure I'm showroom ready and I hear a knock at the door. I look through the keyhole and don't see anything so I walk away. Another knock. Hmmmm...I open the door. There is sales woman's friend...ALL 4'10 of him. Now, I have nothing against short people since I'm no NBA player myself. Plus I think they are naturally hilarious so I'll forgive him for leaning against my door like he is a suave James Bond. For the time being we are going to call him Tim, Tiny Tim. He offers to drive me to dinner so we head out to his car. As we are walking to his car I look down...not just down onto the top of his head but to his feet. Are those...are those spurs??

Me:
Are you wearing spurs?

TT:
Easy cowboy we'll get there. They're really expensive boots but I know someone at the BOOT BARN

Me:

Fuck my life. I'm on a date with the eighth dwarf Horny.

No surprise here...Tim drives the BIGGEST TRUCK I HAVE EVER SEEN.



All Aboard the Overcompensation Express

I'm interested to see what kind of Cirque de Sole shit he's going to pull to get into the car and wondered if I should offer to ally oop him but he manages and away we go.

The ride to dinner was AWFUL to say the least. When he wasn't talking about how much money his family has he was talking about how popular he was at the clubs (remember, there are only 2) and how busy he was working for his family's company. I'd be busy too since we're only 6 weeks away from Christmas...better get crackin on them toy trucks. He tells me that his family has a home in Tucson but their winter home is a ranch in Nogales Mexico. BOSTON PEOPLE TAKE NOTE: That is the equivalent of saying "I might be from Lynn but I have a summer home in Worcester"...I'm not impressed. 

We arrive at dinner and he insists he order for me since this is "his spot" and "everyone knows him here" I'm kind of doubting that a restaurant where every waitress has the same Lupe name tag on is really your Cheers Norm but I allow him anyways. YAY! DRINKS!!

TT:
Shouldn't we toast?

Me:
Um sure, to what?

TT:
My birthday

Me:
Oh, whens your birthday?

TT:
Today

Me:
So it's your birthday and you're spending it on a blind date with me?
Shit, do I have to pay now?

TT:
Oh yea it's today and looks like I got exactly what I wanted. Feliz Cumpleanos to me eh?

Me:
I'm going to vomit

Lupe #12 comes by and asks us what we want for dinner and Tim over here says the following:
La esposa y yo tenemos dos tacos de carne con salsa de cara cerebro

Now, I'm not Rosetta Stone here but I quickly look at the menu...oh, he just ordered us FACE MEAT TACOS WITH BRAIN SAUCE...ooooh HELL NO.  

TT:
You're going to love them, some say they are an aphrodisiac

Me:
Some say coffee stunts your growth, guess you didn't listen to them either
Oh, no thanks...I actually don't eat red meat. I'll just have the chicken

TT:
That's cool...you'll need to save room for dessert anyways ::wink::

Me:
Did you bring some cookies from your tree?

My food was fine, his looked like some wayward Hispanic animal got caught in tractor and landed in a pile of rice and beans.

TT:
Are you ready for my cake...I might need some help blowing out the candles

Me:
I'm about to turn on the ceiling fan and blow you right out of this fucking restaurant
I don't think they have dessert here, it's not on the menu.

TT:
Oh no, I called a head they're doing something special for me. A special treat with a special boy

Me:
You'll be on a special edition of 20/20: Murders In Tucson if you don't STFU
Great.

And then, Lupes from across the restaurant gathered and presented this delicious masterpiece to my micro date

It's a Little Debbie for my Little Douche Bag!

I sing Happy Birthday to him as he keeps constant eye contact with me the whole time. He didn't even blink so I had to hold back my laughter. As he blows out the candle and caught his breath he asked me if I wanted some.

TT:

Are you sure? They say good things come in small packages

Me:

They lied

No thank you

TT:

It's odd, you look like the kind of guy that likes to eat

Me:

You look like the kind of guy that should be next to Dr. Evil

What does that mean?

TT:

Oh, I'm not trying to offend you...I like guys with a little meat of their bones

Me:

Me too, their knee bones

I get it from my mama. (The waitress had taken my silverware or else I would have slit his throat)

We start home. THANK GOD IT'S ALMOST OVER!! Wait, where are you going? My house is left...why are you going right? Thank god I had mase in my purse.

TT:

I just want to go look at the stars for a little bit. The sky seems so big doesn't it.

Me:

6 year olds seem to big to you

I guess.

TT:

So you're a DJ huh? 

Me:

Yup

TT:

Will you play my favorite song?

Me:

Sure, what is it?

Small Town Girl? All the small things? The theme to it's a small world?

TT:

Save a horse ride a cowboy.

Me:

I.WANT.TO.DIE.

I don't play country music sorry.

Apparently Tim heard that as "That turns me on, come kiss me" because he actually leaned to kiss me. Not wanting be rude and turn away an advance I do the polite thing and start coughing violently to the point of dry heaving.

Me:

Oh I'm really sorry, that food must have disagreed with me...I think I'm going to be sick.

TT:

Awww I'm sorry baby (did I mention he called me baby all night? Luckily he thought Muppet was my cute pet name for him too) should I take you home?

Me:

At this point I'll run

I think that'd be best

So he drives me home, the whole time I am pretending I might vomit on his custom leather seats with HIS NAME stitched in them and he walks me to my door.

TT:

Are you sure you dont want me to come in and take care of you?

Me:

I have a nightstand thanks.

No, but appreciate it.

TT:

When can we do this again?

Me:

How about the 32nd of Jolember you freak

Oooo I don't know...I'm really busy. I'll call you

TT:

Don't wait too long baby. I'm like a shooting star...guys like me don't come along all the time

Me:

You're a dwarf star

TT:

What?

Me:

Goodnight!!

Needless to say I did not call him nor have I returned any of his sext messages.  I wasn't sure if it was his pinky or his penis he was texting me but I feel like I made the right move there.

I'm sure he's fine and is on some one's shelf posing on top of a trophy at this very moment and me....I'd rather be single than settle.