An Open Letter To My 16 Year Old Self

I wanted to take a blog and write myself a letter. So often, we are consumed with the present that we forget how long and short our lives are. In the blink of an eye, a day, a year..a decade can pass and if you don't take the time to appricate what you had you will never appriciate what you have.

November 23, 2002

Dear Sean,

Congratulations!! Today is your Sweet 16 birthday!! How are you feeling? I bet you're amped to finally get your permit and start crusing around in any one of the 3 Buicks your family has.  Let's talk about your life right now huh? Just in case you're stressing about the concrete jungle (trademark that!!) that is highschool.

You're a junior at Matignon High School or as the Boston Herald just dubbed it "Oxy Contin" High. You aren't a straight A student but you don't have to be. You love your creative writing class but you struggle severely with Chemistry but it's not your fault...your teacher does not speak English and this being a post 9/11 world everyone thinks that because she's from Pakistan she is going to blow up the school.  Speaking of, your President George W Bush just signed the Homeland Security Act and started the Department of Homeland Security. This is supposed to make air travel safer and more efficient...it wont. Just do yourself a favor and always wear clean socks when you travel.

You live in the shadow of your 17 year old sister who is pretty much queen of the school...everyone's her friend but she isnt popular because she's easy...she's popular because she is a giant bitch but don't worry, after 2004 a movie called Mean Girls is going to come out and being a bitch is going to become super trendy...but she's still going to be a bitch.  Tell her to stop robbing the cradle and dating freshman and sophomores..it's really uncomfortable for you especially since one of them is like an 18 year old Freshman. Beep her on her Nextel and tell her that when you get a chance...you're so cool with your color screen...and these phones can even text...but why would you text when you can just call someone right? You think its just a fad...you're a moron.




It aint trickin if ya got it

Sooooo you're bisexual huh? Loving your drama club and not all that interested in girls even tho they are all your friends...you would probably have sex with a girl if she wanted...oh yea...you'd hit that....but it'd have to be really special...candles, rose pedals...oh and she...would be a dude. CUT THE SHIT nobody believes you!! The only person who did a worse job being the closet was Anne Frank. I mean, your old girlfriend now goes to your school and is dating every brown guy she can get her hands on...get off that bandwagon and get on the man wagon it's not a big deal...nobody is going to care. Still convinced you're "bi" huh? But you happen to wander into that M4M chat on AIM an awful lot and that a/s/l just seems to fly right off your fingers. Get over it homo and go back to enjoying Milkshake.

You had a really deep and meaningful relationship with your girlfriend tho...let's take a second and remeber the magic from the early years and if this isnt super straight I dont know what is:

Sadly, you are never ever ever getting back together (write that down)

Speaking of music...what is on your Napster Mix Cd these days?

You just found out that Beyonce is taking a "break" from Destiny's Child!! Calm down....they are not broken up...they actually are taking a break...and actually, her CD will be really good....Kelly is going to come out with this manic drepressive song about school shootings and do a duet with Nelly...not too shabby...Michelle is going fly off the handle and be broke until they reuinte in a few years...you'll be fine.

You think it's weird that Britney just made out with Madonna at the VMA's well go to the store, buy a hat, and HOLD THE FUCK onto it because she just boarded the express train to Crazytown...she has peaked and I'm really sorry. Take a good long look at Xtina too by the way...pretty hot huh? Well she's taking the oneway express train to Pepperidge Farm...and Madonna will be around forever because well....she's bathes in phamaldehide.

As for Dream, 3LW and Diddy's "Da Band"....not so much.

This guy right here:

His name is Pitbull, right now he's just on a few random Daddy Yankee songs but in 2012 he is going to on EVERY SONG ON THE RADIO!! Get used to it.

You just found out Paris Hilton made a sex tape!?!! Omg you're thinking her career is so over...nobody can be famous after a sex tape....SEAN...if you can swing it after you turn 18...MAKE A SEX TAPE! I don't care who it's with but MAKE ONE...and shop it around...you'll be glad you did!

Let's talk about your face shall we? You know that feeling you have every morning that you want to find a cat and skin it alive just to watch it cry...that's your ACUTANE....cut the shit out. You cannot keep using tinted moisturizer because it leaves your skin too dry and like a cracking porcelain doll..plus no bisexual guy wears tinted moisturizer nancy.  

Now you're probably getting frustrated because when you exchange pictures with a guy on AIM or XY.COM  he never seems interested in you well let me tell you why...YOU LOOK LIKE A SEX OFFENDER. A goatee? at 16? You have too round of a face for that. Plus you're Irish so it's growing in RED. Speaking of red hair...STOP TRYING HIGHLIGHTS they do not work with your round face and chubby cheeks make you look like a "blonde" Korean. Earth toned Old Navy turtle neck sweaters?? Yes, I realize you watched NSYNC's This I Promise You video and you think its a good look...its not. Same thing with the Union Bay Cargo Kahkis...I realize you don't like jeans but PLEASE go get some and for FUCKS SAKE please stop wearing LUGZ. I realize you are too poor to afford Sketchers because you're too busy spending your Star Market paycheck trying the new "stand up" tanning beds from that new Hollywood Tans and buying color contacts because you think your Naomi Campbell but save your pennies. Don't forget to take off all five gold rings you're wearing to school everyday after you bathe yourself in Nautica. To top it off you wear FULL LENGTH leather coats!! Yes, they were very popular in London and yes, they are very expensive but you are 16 years old. You have about as much sex appeal as a school bus fire and you look like a lesbian. A lesbian sex offender.



NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT



Yea....you're not them either

Family life at home is awful. You went from awesome to orphan in a matter of months and while your mom is in rehab and your dad is in Afghanistan you and your sister worry about what's going to happen to the two of you. Stay close to her, you will need each other more than you ever know. Yes, she is a speed demon in her '94 Buick LeSabre but those nights you have just cruising around Woburn blasting mix cd's and are going to be some of the most amazing nights of your life. Don't be in too much of a rush to grow up...you're going to do that anyways...and you're going to go bald because you abused your hair dumb ass.

I don't want to get your hopes up but I wanted to let you in on some of your dreams and goals and let you know which one of those you'll be able to check off:

You're NOT going to be on the next/any season of Degrassi
You're NOT going to get cast in the next made for TV movie starring the Olsen Twins
You're NOT going to date Kristin Kreuk from Smallville or Danny from Real World New Orleans
You're NOT going to move to NYC after high school and "try and make it" It will never be 3 bucks 2 bags and 1 you.
You're NOT going to lose your virginity before you graduate.....college.

You WILL go to an amazing college even though your SAT's kinda sucked
You WILL get an incredible job and make your parents proud
You WILL go on to meet amazing people and you will be a great friend to them
You WILL meet some really awful people and you will make a fierce enemy
You WILL fall in love and someone WILL fall in love with you...SPOILER ALERT: It's going to be a guy.
You WILL get your heart broken because of a bad romance (write that one down too)

Well Sean I really hope you enjoy the next 10 years....the day you turn 26 you'll realize how fortunate you were to have been your 16 year old self despite your terrible skin and awful Boston accent. Your life isn't perfect but stop thinking anyone's is. Your dad will come home safely, your mom will get sober, and your sister will still be your best friend...and a complete bitch.

That's the hotness

Keep smiling and keep working hard. The "real world" is even bigger and scarier than you think and there are things you don't even know about that are going to hurt you but you have amazing friends; some you know now and some you will meet in the years to come but you are going to emerge from that awkward teenage shell and be one fucking amazing butterfly.

Be well and be safe,

Sean Doherty
11.23.2012


PS: buy APPLE stock!!