The Time I Went To Prison

So here is a fun new twist - my BOSS is now friends with me on facebook and therefore will probably read my blog at some point. Nothing is really going to change but I feel as tho the following is appropriate:

This blog is provided solely for entertainment purposes. The opinions expressed in this blog do not reflect the views and opinions of Clear Channel Media and Entertainment, it's subsidiaries, or affiliates. The blog does not constitute medical or legal advice, and is not intended for use in the diagnosis or treatment of individual patients or conditions, or as a substitute for consultation with a licensed medical professional. The mention of any person, company, product, service, mentioned in this blog does not constitute an endorsement of any kind and will assume no responsibility for any injury or damage to persons or property arising out of or related to any use of this blog or to any errors or omissions.

I'm confident that nothing is going to go wrong because:
1) My boss is the coolest guy ever
2) The daughter of the CFO of the entire company is a friend and big fan of me and the blog so I'm good.

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Surprisingly, I have never been arrested before. Now I'm not saying I run around committing crimes all the time but there have been several occurrences that certainly would have warranted at least a one nighter in a holding cell. For instance, one time I was drunk at London Heathrow Airport and since they wouldn't let me on the plane for being drunk I threatened to have the gate agent beheaded. Now, this was not a random threat - my dad knows the President, who knows the Queen who can have people beheaded so thanks to Kevin Bacon I held this person's life in my hands...and they held me at the airport until the next morning.

Then there was the time I tried to use my Fake New York ID to get into a club. The cop at the door took my ID, read it and asked me a simple question. "Westchester huh? Is that Upstate or out on Long Island?" my response of "Kind of both" didn't appease him and I ran away...thank god I run on my toes I'm like a Kenyan.

Last year I got escorted out of club because I might have decided to get wasted and get on stage wearing nothing but an afro wig and leopard shoes...sometimes I have theme nights when I go out...except I'm the only one doing them.

And then of course there was the time I accidentally kidnapped Jesse McCartney but that was totally NOT my fault!

The fact that it took me a move to Arizona for me to end up in prison is an event in my life that I did not expect and it all has to do with LiL' Kim...

Several weeks ago I received an email from a woman asking me about hosting an event.  Now, as I've said before...there is very little I won't do for money but like a good trick I always ask what's expected of me before I disclose pricing. "Oh, it's PCC Family Day so we just want you to greet the families, make some announcements, play some music, and maybe bring t-shirts." Ok, sounds simple enough. I tell the very nice lady I'm in and she can email me the details. I hang up the phone and quickly ask a co-worker what PCC is? Pina Community College she tells me. Sweet! That is right down the street from my apartment and there is nothing I love more than sexually confused freshmen so this might be a win-win situation! The very nice lady...we'll call her Veronica...phones me again.

Veronica:
Just to clarify...you're a hip-hop dj right?

Me:
Um, yes*

Veronica:
Ok great, we just want to make sure you'll be bringing the right sort of dj to the event. See you soon!

*Am I a hip-hop dj? Technically Yes! I have done a few shifts on the hip-hop station here i, I have dj'd in clubs around the US where I have played hip-hop music and I have loved hip-hop since I bought my first CD The Notorious K.I.M back in 2000...I remade a Nicki Minaj rap song and I have even made a video detailing the History of Hip Hop which for legal reasons I cannot share with you but here are some highlights:





FROM THE 70'S





TO THE 80's




THE 90's



AND TO SUPER BASS

 So gig days rolls around and I prepare for what is sure to be a very ordinary gig but I put on a little extra body shimmer because the weather here is really nice and when the sun hits it I look like I'm from Twilight...I also wear my flat brimmed Red Sox Hat which is my standard "hip hop" hat that I wear when meeting and working anything related to hip-hop...and off I go.

Please see: HIP HOP HAT

I drive to Pina Community College and check in...but don't seem to be on the list....hmmm? I wonder if there is another campus perhaps I should be at? I then look down at my phone and check the address...oh crap I'm at the wrong location. I jump back into my car...and speed away...my gps says I'm nearing the location...no campus in sight...keep driving and I all of a sudden I'm in a really bad neighborhood...like the type of neighborhood you only go to if you have to and even then you shouldn't go. I quickly call my contact

Veronica:
This is Veronica

Me:
Hi Veronica, I'm so sorry I'm running late I went to the wrong campus.

Veronica:
Campus?

Me:
Yea I thought it was the Pina Community College Main campus but this must be there a...South Side location?

Veronica:
I'm sorry but you're mistaken. The event is not at Pina Community College, we are the 
Pina County Corrections department. The event is at the penitentiary.

Me (never losing my cool):
Oh, excellent. Sorry, I got my PCC's mixed up haha. So I am at the right address now then I suppose?

Veronica:
Yup, just go through the visitors entrance and once you're cleared through security I'll bring you in and introduce you.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! I have never been so nervous in my entire life. There is a small chance I even lost control of my bowels in that short moment but there wasn't time to think about it. I am about to go and host a Family Day...at a prison...in Arizona...AT A PRISON. I pull my car up to the gate and check in...the guard looks at me.

Guard:
You're the hip hop dj?

OH FUCK! I forgot I told them I was a hip hop dj. I was a fake, a sham. I have never read "Word Up" magazine...I mean I sometimes peruse "Ebony Hairstyles" while I'm at the airport but that's about it. These inmates and their families are expecting DJ Clue and they are getting DJ GLITTER...again, confidence is key.

Me:
(upwards head nod) You know it homie.

Guard:
Pull up to the gate and the security team will escort you in.

I pull up and want to throw up because I'm so nervous.  Everything in Arizona is bigger by design because there is just so much damn space so this place was like a fortress. I check-in through security.

Guard:
Sorry, you can't bring that phone case in here...too flashy.

Flashy? They're inmates, not barracudas! And it's not that flashy...just your run of the mill crystal sided Louis Vuitton case my sister go me for my birthday. These guards have no taste.

I go through security and I meet Veronica and as I expected she looked all kinds of confused.

Veronica:
DJ?

Me:
Hi!

Veronica:
Oooh so nice to meet you. Sorry...you don't look like what I had pictured.

Really bitch? You sounded just as fat.

Me:
I know right! That's the magic of radio I guess!

Veronica:
So I figured you can welcome everyone and talk about you know how great it is to be here. You know, this is more for the families than the inmates and holidays can be so tough and lonely on them missing their dads and brothers and such so if you can touch upon that too it'd be great. If you have any personal stories you can share, it'd be great too...relate to them more a little bit.

Woman let's clarify something...I'm in a JAIL...there is NOTHING great about being here! You never mentioned any of this to me before and now i'm about to go on your little rickety ass stage in front of 2,000 of Arizona's most dangerous criminals and wish them all a Happy Holiday?! Oh gurl.

Now some of you might be saying "Oh, I thought you'd be happy to be there. It'd be like being in OZ. Just don't drop the soap ha ha." NO as a matter of fact this was NOTHING like OZ except for the surplus of neck tattoos but that's about it. Everyone looked like a Mexican version of Suge Knight.

So I did what I always do...I went to work. I addressed the crowd, thanked them for having me...told the families how much their love and support in these difficult times is appreciated and wished them all a Happy Holidays...not bad DJ Glitter...not bad.

Then Veronica opened her big fucking mouth "And the dj will be here giving away free things and playing music SO MAKE SURE YOU GO AND VISIT HIM"

Anyone who has ever worked at a radio appearance will know that people go ape shit over free things. It could be the stupidest thing in the entire world, but if it's free...they want 12 of it. T-shirts are the golden item. I have used T-shirts as currency at many events for free food. So here's a question...

What happens when you have 10 t-shirts for 2,000 prisoners? You have 1090 pissed off prisoners.

I have seen movies where they shank someone for not having the right apple juice and now I have a mob of FEDERALLY CHARGED getting angry at me for not having enough free shit...I have never wanted my mommy more in my life.

I explain to Veronica the situation and she says "I told you it was going to be an event for 2,000"

And that's fantastic...but even if this was an armless legless terminally ill blind orphan event I STILL would not have 2,000 prizes!

Me:
I'm happy to play some music for the rest of the time??

Veronica:
What kind of music?

Lady Gaga bitch, I figured I can maybe orchestrate a flash mob like they did in Taiwan

Me:
Hip-hop?

Veronica:
Ok good. You just don't look like the type of person that knows hip-hop.

You don't look like the type of person that knows Weight Watchers why don't you shut the fuck up and let me do my job!?

And away I went...as always I impressed. Some KRS One, some Biggie, some Tupac and obviously some Nicki Minaj as well as a lot of other music...the inmates themselves were actually all very nice and were a little disappointed that I didn't have any country music. I got to spend some time talking to the families and the inmates themselves and some of the stories were really sad. I never was judgmental or snobbish and it got me think about how nice it is to be able to see my family whenever I want...not just on "Family Day".  I also think I showed them that a white boy with body shimmer can break down stereotypes of what a "hip hop" dj can look like.

"And if you a G, be an F-A-G, my name is Glitter, you can call me Sean D." - Pride Floats