I can't imagine I'm the easiest the person in the world to live with. I run the blender at all hours of the morning making my HERBALIFE NUTRITION SHAKES, I leave clothes in the dryer all the time because well...I never learned how to fold clothes and thus just wear them out the dryer because my parents are not there to fold for me; and every morning I dance naked to one randomly selected Destiny's Child Song...sometimes in my room....NEVER near the blender... and often near the dryer because it's warm. But as cavalier as I am with my nudity and as difficult as it is to get glitter out of a suede couch I have NEVER caused someone to end up in the hospital and be on the verge of death...my roommate however, is not as fortunate.
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| Kelly, can you handle this? |
Roommate:
Yea, I'm having a party Saturday night?
The questioned inflection in his voice indicated to me that he wanted to know where I'd be while his shin dig was going on. Luckily, I was booked to DJ a Gay night up in Phoenix. Ahhh, the return of DJ GLITTER in The Valley Of The Sun...a chance to break out my MAC gift card and try on those sequins shorts I got for my birthday...I felt like I was 5 again.
Roommate:
So you know that bottle of red wine you have in the cabinet?
Me:
Yea?
Roommate:
Well I know you said you didn't drink red wine and both of your parents came and didn't drink it so I was wondering if I could have it?
Seriously? You got on my case about using too many dryer sheets (again I have no idea what those things do so I guess 10 was too many...but not the point) and now you want my booze? Gurl.
Roommate:
It's fine if you don't want me to have it. Oh, did you still need a ride to the airport next week?
You little bitch. Fine! Take my bottle of red wine. You're right. I don't drink it. I tried to get into red wine. Lord knows everyone in the Southwest has a 1/2 cow and bottle of Chianti for dinner and I was just trying to fit in!!
Me:
No, go ahead. But I don't need a ride to the airport actually. I got a limo. #DIVA
Saturday rolls around and I finish my live broadcast and head home to change before heading to Phoenix when my phone rings. It's the club...they don't need me tonight. FUUUUUCCCCCCKKKK. I don't have that many friends in this town but I scramble to see if any of them want to hang out. I call my boss and see if he needs any of the shows filled. Nothing. I had worked so hard to get my Saturday night off that I actually succeeded in getting my Saturday night off. I hate that I'm so good at my job.
I phone the roommate and tell him the news.
Roommate:
Oh, so you're not going to just go anyways?
Yea I'll just drive 2 hours and go clubbing by myself in a city I've never been out in. Hey Matthew Sheppard that's a swell idea. Sorry buddy I'm home for the night. Don't worry you won't even notice me...I guarantee.
I spend some extra hours at the radio station to give the party a chance to kick into gear and arrive home at approximately 8:45pm Arizona Standard Time. I walk into my apartment to find a party the likes of which I have never seen before. 8 people...boys and girls...sitting down...reading.
Roommate:
Oh, guys don't mind him. He's not coming to the party.
Me:
Oh people y'all really need to look up this "party" term
Hi everyone. Don't mind me...I'm just going to grab my dinner and head into my room.
I open the fridge and see NONE of my prepared dished. I make Chilli in my crock pot every Sunday and Wed and chicken every Tuesday and Fri...WHERE THE FUCK IS MY FOOD!?
Nerd 1:
We accidentally threw away your tupperware. We thought it was empty.
You thought my CLEAR tupperware full of CHILLI was empty? You have four eyes can't one of them see correctly?
Roommate:
That's not true. We just wanted room for the hummus and Papa John's we ordered, you can have some if you want.
Me:
ooooook...where is it?
Nerd 2:
Oh, no there isnt any left. Sorry. Andy ate it all.
Ok where is Andy because I am going to kick his ass!!
Suddenly I look into my water glass and notice ripples. The ground starts to move and I start having fears of an earthquake or a T-Rex attack...it got cold...like all the happiness was taken out of the room somehow...when suddenly this massive being waddles into the room...it's Andy...short for Andrea but wide for Andreaisagianthippotomous.
Nerd 3:
Andy, you ate all the Papa Johns?
Andy:
I'm sorry guys, you know I get hungry at parties.
Bitch, you're READING. This isn't a party! You get hungry reading?! Jesus Christ. Fine!! I'll just make some scramble eggs. Carry about your business.
Now, let me just quickly describe my apt. From my kitchen I have a direct view into my living room as it is an open plan kitchen. Please see diagram:
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| DO NOT CALL FOR PRICING! NO GOOD CAN COME OF THIS! |
So as I'm preparing my scramble eggs I gain insight into what my roommates "party" entails. You might need a Dramamine because this is about to get R-O-W-D-Y. Everyone brings their own copy of a certain Harry Potter book and they go around reading it to each other...but they don't just read it...they read it out loud in terrible terrible terrible British accents. I have never wished to be struck deaf so quickly.
Oy, A-ree Po-ah
While I wait for my stove to pre-heat I try and make casual conversation with the sideshow.
Me:
So do you guys go to school with Roommate?
Nerd 5:
Well, we met at my work
Me:
Oh awesome! What do you do
Nerd 5:
I'm a manager at Blockbuster
Me:
What?
Nerd 5:
Blockbuster Video?
Me:
No I heard you I'm not retarded...they still have those?
Nerd 5:
Um yea? Why?
Me:
Oh I don't know...only because NOBODY GOES TO BLOCKBUSTER ANYMORE. Why don't you tell me you breed pterodactyls I think I'd believe you more. Blockbuster? Really? Next.
Nerd 4:
Well me and Andy are students of Roommate (roommate is a teacher)
Me:
Ohhhh...so how old are you?
Nerd 4:
We're 20
Fucking fantastic. I'm providing alcohol to fat, unattractive minors. Shoot me.
Let me just take a second and describe the 9th World Wonder Andrea for a second shall I?
20 years old. 350lbs 5'2 stringy black hair that looks like its wet but you know it isn't, an odor or Bath and Body Works Cucumber Melon body spray and feet and wearing a SPAGHETTI STRAP BLACK TANK TOP. No, you are not reading a description from a 1998 Teen Movie this is a real person sitting in my living room.
Now I'm not being harsh on Andrea because she's fat....because remember I was a fat kid once and am still morbidly obese in the eyes of the gays so this isn't about judging fatty mcfat face. My hatred from Andrea comes from the fact that she was being a total bitch to me...and she ate my food...I also think she had my weeks work worth of chili as an appetizer because I did not find any evidence that it was thrown away but that is just my suspicion.
Suddenly Andy stands up...throws her arms in the air...shakes violently and falls to her knees. Great, now I have to replace the broken floorboard...thank god they're not reading 50 Shades of Grey is all I'm thinking.
She does it again and is shaking very violently. Part of me thinks she is about to bust into the opening sequence from the Lion King....but this time falls over completely...Roommate starts to look scared. She gets back up and is sweating...you sweat while you read too? Really Andy?
I ask her if she's Ok...she doesn't respond. She's awake but incoherent. Ok, now I'm nervous.
Me:
Is she ok?
Roommate:
I think you should call 911. She has a bad heart. He then starts to cry and curls up in a ball. That's helpful. The other nerds leave to supposedly "find help"...or rent The Help from Blockbuster I really wasn't paying attention.
Again, I am not making light of the situation now nor was I then but I am very much about taking responsibility for your body. You're 20 years old and according to the height/weight chart should be 7'9 but you insist on eating everything you see AND doing drugs? And now I have to clean up your mess? FAN-TASTIC. I debate between calling animal control and 9-1-1 and chose the latter.
911:
9-1-1 (WAH WAH WAH WAH)
Me:
What?!
911:
(WAH WAH WAH WAH)
Me:
omg it's like talking to the teacher from Charlie Brown...I can't make out what this bitch is saying.
I hang up and dial again.
911:
9-1-1 what is your emergency?
Me:
Hi, I have a girl here and I think she might be having a heart attack.
911:
Ok, what is your address
Me:
Tucson Address
PAUSE...LONG PAUSE...LONGER PAUSE
911:
Sir, I am not showing your address on my map
Me:
WHAT?! Are you serious? I need an ambulance!
911:
Sir, that address is not showing up on my system are you sure you have the right address?
Me:
I LIVE HERE! YES I HAVE THE RIGHT ADDRESS!
In my mind she was going to respond with DO NOT GET LOUD WITH ME SIR, DO NOT GET LOUD WITH ME...but she did not.
911:
Sir, I am going to have to put you on hold.
So Papa John's knows where I live...but the Tucson Police and Fire do not?? Peachy.
At this point Andrea rolls off of the couch. Roommate has locked himself in his room hysterically crying and my eggs are ruined. I prioritize. My phone is on speaker and I go over to pick Andrea up. DO YOU KNOW WHAT 350 POUNDS OF DEAD WEIGHT FEELS LIKE? My balls sure do! I live about 2 blocks from a hospital....if this bitch doesn't get back to me I am going to have to put Andrea into my car and drive her...I wish I had a forklift.
911:
Sir, we have dispatched paramedics and police to your location.
Me:
thank you!
911:
Do I need to stay on the phone with you?
Me:
Do you have something better to do?! I'd appreciate it.
Now, in semi fairness to the first response team of Tucson I live in a new gated community so it's not actually on google maps yet...but I live here with like 1,000 other people so God help them all in the event of a Rapture.
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| There's no place called home |
The paramedics arrive and even they have the "Oh Shit" look on their faces when they see Andy. They start asking her questions about her health while they take her vitals and ready the crane to load her into the ambulance. They secure her down and take her away. I now have to get Roommate out of his room, find her nearest family and friends and let them know that she's in the hospital...up until 45 minutes ago my plans involved scrambled eggs, an apricot facial scrub, and perhaps 1-2 dance numbers in my room...and now I'm fucking Mariska Hargitay on SVU.
All set...lives at home...family notified...Roommate is useless and I meet her sister at the hospital because I'm a nice guy. I ask the sister if she'll be ok and she replies with the following:
"Oh, she'll be fine. This happens a lot. She has a pacemaker and if she gets too excited it can go off if she doesn't take her beta blockers"
Now...I'm not a doctor. I'll admit this right here and now. I have dated a nurse and cuddled with a doctor but that is about as much medical experience as I've had so my diagnosis might be uneducated but...THIS SHOULDN'T HAPPEN RIGHT!?!?! She was in a circle reading...it was not Caligula...I'm not certain how she got overly excited nor am I certain that a pacemaker should randomly "go off" but in the end I was just glad nobody died and Andy was as fine as she could be....I seriously need a new roommate.
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| She's OK! |
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