I only knew this from knowing and dating DJ's but I have never experienced this surge of superpowers until I moved to Arizona...being a radio DJ is like being 10x more attractive than you actually are because people instantly like what you do. You don't have to explain your job, you don't have to painstakingly talk about what your major was in college and how you found yourself to be where you are and what your aspirations are...it's all in those two letters D.J....it saves a whole lot of time let me tell you; but like William Shakespeare once said, "With great power, comes great responsibility". Just as easily as you can woo a future a mate with your savvy show biz connections, they can easily pretend to be interested in you and just use you for concert tickets. This actually happened: I dated someone for 3 months who dumped me in the train station after the 2007 Beyonce Experience claiming that seeing Beyonce was the only reason he dated me...trust me you only have to burnt like that once to have a serious wall up when meeting people. Why am I sharing this information with you? Because it will be important to know...so says I.
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You must not know 'bout me You must not know 'bout me |
We were doing a Radiothon to help poor children who needed toys. It was one of the biggest things my stations have done and it was very successful! When radio stations do something BIG and they do it RIGHT...the outcome is amazing!! This was all of our stations taking on-air shifts and asking people to drop toys off to our set-up and yours truly was going to be doing his FIRST LIVE TELETHON!! It was horrifyingly awesome but luckily I think I did a really good job. During the show, a giant firetruck pulls up and 4 of Tucson's FINEest got out and literally donated 300 toys and said they enjoyed listening and one of them was quite eager to see what I looked like since supposedly he told my assistant I was cuter than I sounded....still don't know if that is a compliment or not.
Now. the problem with him showing up at a gig to try and flirt with me is that he wasn't talking to "me" at all...he was talking to "Work Me"...Work Me is one of the reasons I think I am so successful. Work Me is "On" from the time I step foot at that gig until the time I leave. I am there for 2 reasons only, 1) Entertain the Masses 2) Get Paid. I have no interest in meeting new love interests because I am there to do a good job and make everyone I work with/for look good. So I was paying NO attention to him which in retrospect might be my new plan of attack because he was enjoying my "hard to get". When I did have a break I thanked them for dropping off the toys and regaled them with my story of my sociopath roommate lighting our apartment on fire earlier in the week. We talked for a bit but I was not flirting AT ALL....now again, I am not saying I am incapable of flirting...If I'm not working I will flirt with you, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, their boyfriend, the bartender, the cabbie and sometimes myself...but even when he gave me his card and said "Well if you ever want to reach me without calling 9-1-1 here is my number" my response was AWFUL. "Oh awesome, I'll make sure my roommate knows that too, have a great day and thanks for listening!" Yes, I'm a schmuck and it wasn't until my assistant literally slapped me for being so aloof of his advances that I got worried. "Holy Crap, a really hot fireman just spent and hour flirting with me and all I could do was talk about these stupid poor kids and Kate Middleton's baby...I fucking suck". I was reluctant to call him....but then I realized that meeting a cute guy with a job in this town is like finding a leprechaun...and even better...he wasn't the size of a leprechaun so I was all about it...I called him that night and apologized...he laughed and explained if I tried to hit on him during a fire he probably wouldn't have paid too much attention to me either....well that's good to know. Before I knew, we were planning a date!!
Once the date was set, I did what any normal guy in my position does...
1) Update my Bloomingdale's Bridal Registry
2) Light a candle and pray to my ancestors who I know don't want the Doherty name to end with me.
3) Check to see if the domain name OurTwoNamesAreGettingMarried.com is taken. If it is, I just run through the list of names I'd ask him to change so that we'd have a cute website.
We're on the phone...
Fireman:
So what do you want to do?
Me:
Get Engaged
Um, I'm up for anything!!
Fireman:
Do you like to hike?
Me:
Hike? Oh sure, I love hiking
Fireman:
Awesome! I'm a big outdoors guy
Me:
Me too!**
**Ok, I know that's a lie but you don't understand how attractive this guy was!! Now I have good reason to hate the outdoors and I'll quickly share it with you. When I was 10 my mother took me and my sister to a "camp" that a friend of hers ran in North Conway, NH...but it wasn't exactly a camp...it was an outdoors weekend retreat for emotionally unstable kids who were into cutting themselves. While my mother didn't know that upon arrival, she was too tired to drive us home since we got lost and it took us 9 hours to get there so she made us stay the night. Since the boys and girls were in different bunks, I am by myself in a cabin where most of the other campers were strapped to their beds. Oh but it get better!! My mom's friends' ex husband comes to the camp in the middle of the night to reclaim custody of their 2 sons WHO ARE IN MY BUNK and breaks in with a SHOTGUN and AXE to take them away...shots were fired and the husband ended up killing himself and before you know it we're on our way to the Loon Mountain Resort...so no, I am not the "outdoors" type. Ps- for more great mom stories keep and eye out for The Debbie Chronicles coming in 2013!
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| Camp Acutcharistin '97 |
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| Camp Counselor Bob |
Fireman:
Oh, awesome! Love guys who are into the outdoors. Hey do you know what would be great?
Me:
Your last name after my first?
What?
Fireman:
We should hike up Star Pass Mountain and watch the sunrise!! Sunrise is going to be at 6:45 so if I pick you up by 5 and we're at the path by 5:15, we should be at the summit within the hour!
Me:
AM?? I think you've inhaled too much smoke there buddy
Ohhh that does sound great but...I'm actually allergic to sunrises...yea, it's a rare vampire epilepsy condition...can't do them. Sawwee :0(
Fireman:
Oh, ok...how about 8?
Me:
10?
Fireman:
9?
Me:
Deal
Ok, awesome!! I have a date with a hot fireman (yay!) and we're going hiking (boo)...but it's OK because I have the cutest Lulu Lemon tracksuit that I've been dying to wear as it shows off my great assets.
When you spend Saturday night drinking bottles of wine and watching Harry Potter movies in the tub you don't realize how quickly Sunday morning sneaks up on you! But there it was 8:30am on a beautiful Sunday morning and I woke up to 3 texts from him!
Text 1 7:05am
Hey it's Fireman, just seeing if you're up and maybe wanted to get on the road earlier. Looking forward to seeing you!
Text 2 7:45am
Guess you're Mr. Sleepy...hope you're up soon! I'll be there at 9!
Text 3 8:25am
Hey buddy I'm at your place. Don't rush, just wanted to let you know I'm here.
Bitch you are 35 minutes early!! Don't you know that me waking up at 8:30 gives me exactly enough time to pee, wash my face, apply spf 15 tinted moisturizer, brush my teeth, and eat a bowl of cereal...you have left me with NONE OF THIS!! I am so mad but that quickly goes away after I brush my teeth and put on my outfit. Lulu Lemon tracksuit, Red Sox Hat, customized multi-colored New Balance sneakers and a pair of Dior aviators...LET'S KICK THIS SHIT NATURE!
As I approach his car he gets out like a gentlemen to greet me...and I notice something very wrong/right with this picture...he is in skin tight under armour and is wearing some kind of utility belt with hooks...may I remind you that this is only our first date.
Me:
That's an interesting outfit. Lance Armstrong having a yard sale?
Fireman:
You should talk, you look like Victoria Beckham going through an airport.
Clearly, I'm now head over heals in love with him...I mean...he just compared me to Posh Spice!
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| Like looking into a mirror |
Fireman:
What'd you have for breakfast?
Me:
A cup of coffee and a klonopin
Umm a protein shake...and a protein..bar?
He's driving and rattling off something about complex carbohydrates and I can do nothing but think about making jello shot molds out of the serrations of his muscles...and plan where our 3rd kid is going to college. Maybe we should just skip hiking and I can make him elope against his will??
So we arrive at one of the billion state parks Arizona has to offer and we park the car...somethings missing...something very important...
Me:
Oh, where is the trail?
Fireman:
That's the best part about this park...you make your own trail!!
No bitch, Lewis and Clark "made their own trail" and people died of dysentery and oxen drowned...I like using other peoples trails, thanks!
Fireman:
Is that the only water you brought?
Me:
This is the 33oz Fiji...shit is $4.50 a bottle!
Fireman:
You won't last the first two hours
Me:
I had plans to be drinking mimosas in 2 hours...preferably off your abs
I'll be fine!
And so began the WORST NATURE EXPERIENCE I have ever had. He basically just sprinted vertically up the mountain...no trail...no idea if the rock I'm about to hop over had a dead drop at the other side and SWEATING MY ASS OFF!! My idea of hiking is briskly walking through a path and perhaps stop and admire the cute desert animals...apparently his idea of hiking was X-TREME MOUNTAIN CLIMBING!! We ascend a few thousand feet and he stops me -
Fireman:
Be careful!! That's a jumping cactus!
Me:
A fucking what?
Fireman:
It's a jumping cactus...normal cacti wait until you near them to prick you but a jumping cactus is attracted to the static electricity in your body and will LEAVE THE PLANT AND ATTACK YOU.
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| BEFORE |
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| AFTER. THIS IS SOME SUPER MARIO BROTHERS BULL SHIT! |
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| TRAIL BLAZER |
How do I end this?? He has like 10,000 more feet he wants to go and I cant...I just cant...chiseled jaw, giant biceps, and six pack abs be damned...I had to get out of here.
Me:
OWWWWWWWW!!!
Fireman (sprints down the mountain at lightning speed):
What's a matter kiddo?
Me:
It's my ankle...I caught it in a rock and I think it might be broken
Fireman:
Well I'm an EMT too...I can tell you if it's broken
Me:
Fuck. Of course you are.
Gee, I hope it's not...I'll be so mad if I can't finish the hike!
Fireman:
Awww, don't worry about that... no it's not broken...but it might be sprained...I should get you down the mountain and get you home
Me:
Can we stop at the liquor store first?
If you think it'd be best!
I'd love to say he carried me down the mountain but even I couldn't punish the man like that. He was a gentleman tho and helped me all the way down and into his car.
Fireman:
I feel so bad. You would have loved the view in about another 45 minutes. We'll go another time tho.
Me:
Yes, when I own a helicopter. And do you know what desert looks like at 3,000 feet? The same fucking thing it looks like a 3 feet...DESERT!
I'd like that.
So not only did he take me home and wrap my ankle for me, he has texted every day to make sure I am feeling better and wants to take me out again...sadly, the "doctor" says I can't hike for at least another 3-5 years...but a short walk down to the altar would do me fine ;0)
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| Ouchie :0p |
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