Would You Like Some Gay Sex With That!?

My eyes open as the initial pain slowly subsides. I do not know his name and only met him moments ago but our two bodies engulfed in sweat show no sign of separation. His legs assert themselves to confirm I cannot move and I succumb to his strength.  He leans on top of me and I can feel the heat from his breath on my face as the moist drops of sweat glide swiftly from his face into my mouth.  I glance over to see the others waiting eagerly for their turn. With my legs on his shoulders and my feet by his ears I brace myself with my back on the floor. Before his body begins the swift, primal, motions one final thought enters my mind...

MMA IS THE GAYEST SPORT IN THE WORLD!

Sorry to disappoint you but this isn't a blog recounting tales of 50 Shades of Glitter, this is my observation blog about the extremely homoerotic sport known as Mixed Martial Arts. I can only assume the "Mixed" part is in reference to people's sexuality because there is NO WAY you can be 100% straight and be fully involved in this "sport".

Let's just put this into perspective. This is ME writing this blog. I go by the name GLITTER...I'm the gayest person you and I know. I took my gay self and performed a gay song about gay pride in a nightclub in London called G-A-Y. So if I say something is really gay please assume there is no exaggeration being made...this is LEGIT GAY.

Let's start with the apparel shall we?

MMA has a very "less is more" policy when it comes to fighting attire. The less clothes you wear, the better of a fighter you are? That's possibly the logic. This doesn't just apply to professional fights. Everyone who takes classes is encouraged to be shirtless (so you don't break a nail on your shirt) and not wear shorts with pockets (we had the same rule in gay flag football). So for the most part you are practicing with guys wearing boxer briefs and cups. Me personally? No ma'am. Nice girls keep their cookies in the jar.




On Wednesdays we wear Pink

 

The class is broken up into 3 parts...Greco-Roman Wrestling, MMA Grappling, and UFC Striking. GR Wrestling is exactly as gay as you picture it. Your starting position is a firm embrace with the other man like so:

Grecco-Roman Wrestling circa 69 BC

 

Now most people think it's just about getting the other person to bottom, I mean, on the bottom but no no there is a much more sentimental rule. You can be on the bottom but as long as you still have your hands gripped tightly around your sweaty opponent you are still in the game. Sooooo as long as you really want to be there...on the ground...with a dude on top of you...holding him....you can win.....but it's not gay. If you're not already covered in secretion do not worry, there are ample tubs of Vaseline surrounding the ring so you can get be nice and slippery as soon as the two of you get going

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MMA Grappling is sort of like wrestling except you start out already on the ground. With foreplay skipped you are ready to be mounted. In fact, that is how practice starts...the coach asks you which one of the guys you would like to mount you and how many guys you think you can handle mounting you in sequence.  Your job is to then sweatily maneuver yourself through his thighs, under his crotch, and around him so that you are now mounting him...we call this being versatile. Once you have successfully mounted your opponent, you use your body to center the weight of your chest onto his body and force all of your weight through your chest causing him to pull tap out

For heterosexuals (and my roommate) it is described like this:

Newton's First Law: An object that is in motion will not change its velocity unless an unbalanced force acts upon it. This is known as uniform motion.

For everyone else reading my blog...it is described like this:

Once you have successfully mounted one opponent, another one is thrust upon you. This is supposed to resemble the way street fights go when you are ganged up on...with no shirt...and guys mounting you one at a time covered in Vaseline....but it's not gay.

(ps- when I got mugged in London by a group of guys...none of this awesomeness happened. Just sayin)



Nothing gay happening here



Finally with UFC Striking, one would think they are in the clear with regards to potential M4M action but alas, you're never too far from sodomy when you're greased up with another man in cage.

With names like "cipher scissors" and "flying kicks", UFC Striking is nothing more than a choreographed dancing with the inclusion of  your fists.



The gayest part about MMA fighting?? YOU HUG AFTERWARDS! Homo say what? Yes, you hug. As if you haven't had enough contact getting pregnant for the past 3 x 5min rounds, you end your practice with a final man tackle to let your partner know it was good for you too.

You da You da Best

So the next time you see some neck tattooed, roid chasing, he-man, benching up because he's training to be a UFC champ...just know that at some point in his life he's had a tea bag on his nose.



Totes str8ees




Just two dudes....playing around



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