Los Futbol de Homos

Update:
Ok, first off...I don't generally believe in miracles but I have to say that this past week has really changed my view on that. After my blog post last week my aunt's health dramatically began to improve. You sent emails, facebook messages, texts, and presents from across the world to help garner strength for her and I'm VERY happy to announce that she has since left ICU and is recovering steadily so THANK YOU!! Ps- to the people from Bolivia and Sweeden who sent me gifts, while I am grateful, I am a bit concerned as to where you got my address of employment. Please note, if you are planning to stalk and murder me you will have to do it during regular business hours.

Anywho...on with the show

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You'd be surprised how often I get asked the question "Which Spice Girl do you have the most in common with?" This is always tricky for me since I think that in some ways I'm a bit Posh, a bit Scary, act a bit like a Baby and would take ANY opportunity to wear a super tight Union Jack Dress.

But I think it's awful when people say "well you can't be all of them...you wouldn't be Sporty." And I have to say I take great offense to that. True, growing up as a morbidly obese pre-teen with a vitamin D deficiency because I stayed inside for days playing Turok:Dinosaur Hunter may not have been the way my parents envisioned it, but by high school I had a few years of Hockey under my belt...yet I was still fairly stocky as I went into young adulthood.




I'm sexy and I know it

In high school I signed up for track. Now I know what your thinking, why would a 5'2 290lb asthmatic blob sign up for track? and the answer is simple: there was a guy I had a crush on that was also doing track and hormones will make you do some fucked up shit.  Of course, I never actually ran. No no, I was the only Varsity Track Member who only competed in shot put because well...I was an Ox.

Cut to college and I was rowing as 8 Stern on the Boston College crew team...talk about a great place to pick up guys!! Sadly, after my freshman year my Russian coach (Boris) told me that in order to stay on the team I would have to grow 4" or lose 55lbs in order to balance out the boat. This is how I entered what my sister would call the "Mary-Kate Olsen" years. I lost about 40lbs in a matter of months and rather than praising me as a Jenny Craig success story, my family decided I had an eating disorder.

Post college I found Boston Gay Sports and I will say, without tooting my own horn, that I became QUITE athletic. By no means am I saying that I actually knew what the fuck I was doing, but I looked good in the uniform and I brought oodles of team spirit to each game! From softball to football, I took every opportunity to hit the field like it was a catwalk and I was Naomi Campbell.

The following (7) Photos are courtesy of Patrick Lentz Photography



Care to play ball?

Now, while I always had the best attitude when it came to playing...I can say, without any regret, that my fashion choice were somewhat questionable...

There was the standard face full of Glitter

The face full of glitter with carpi's

the fur

the poncho and leggings

the sequins jacket

the stevie nicks "white winged dove" scarf

and some other questionable decisions



 But wardrobe aside, being on a team was something I really missed when I first moved to the desert because I couldn't find any gay organized sports. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not heterophobic...I'm just not that good at sports and enjoy the social aspect of being on a team and showing up in fun outfits more than actually playing which was why i was perfect for any team because I never bitched about how much playing time I got (unless people were sick and I had to play the whole game...then I bitched).

So the other day I was talking to this guy I'm kinda sorta dating...I don't want to jinx it or jump the gun...but I'm pretty sure we're getting married. We were talking about this very subject and he says "You should join the Tucson Gay Football League, it's open play right now and all you have to do is show up and they'll put you on a team"

HOT DAMN!! Open play on a gay football team means with any luck, I MIGHT have to run up the field once! I figured there would probably be a bunch of U of A guys, some Raytheon people and perhaps even some military men so I dressed accordingly...jock strap, short shorts, rainbow New Balances, tank top and Dior sunglasses...I was ready for some football!!  

Saturday morning arrives and boyfriend is working so I make my way to the fields excited to meet new people and introduce them to Glitter Spice. I see the guys on the field and park my car, put my headphones on and casually sasche to the fields. As I approach I start to notice something is wrong...not wrong...just different. Obviously they are all starring at me (mission accomplished), some are laughing (standard) and most just look confused. But everyone was kind of...fat and unattractive...not what I'm used to seeing in gay organized sports. 

Guy 1:

You here for football?

Me:

I am!

Guy 2:

You know the rules?

Me:

I do, yea, I've played for like 3 years

Guy 1:

Ok great, you're on Juan's team

Me:

Sweet! Sean is Juan in Spanish. So ya know...takes Juan to know Juan!

(crickets...fat people have no sense of humor) 

They ask my what position I've played and I say "Rusher" and we get into the huddle. I always hate the huddle because it's always like their speaking Spanish...in this case they actually were so it didn't matter I didn't understand any of it. 

QB:

Seeeeeeet hut!

I go running towards the QB like I have done for 10,000 games before this and something very different happens...before I knew it was I was being hurled to the ground by a 6'4 380 lb Mexican and I go barreling towards the ground convinced I have ruptured my kidneys.

Me:

UMMMMM excuse me!?!? Penalty?! Flag?! He just tackled me!!

Ref:

Yea....and?

Me:

AND?!! You don't tackle people in gay football. what kind of crap is this!?

Guy 1:

Well, this isn't gay football.

Me:

What?

Guy 2:

Yea, the gay league plays during the fall. This is intermural contact football.

Me:

memo to self, dump fiancee

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was the gay league.

Guy 1:

No it's cool...you're still welcome to play...we're short a couple guys anyways this week so we could really use the extra man power.

Me:

So I would be on the field the whole game during contact football with fat guys while dressed like a go-go dancer in the middle of the ghetto?

Absolutely! I'd love to still pla- oooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Guy 1:

What's the matter?!

Me:

I think I twisted my ankle during that tackle...I should probably ice it....at home...with a bottle of champagne.

Guy 2:

Aw man, Ok bro, you take care of yourself!

Me:

And you...run a little bit more...

So that was my first/only experience playing Football in Tucson. I'm not sure what the future will hold in terms of me playing of the gay league during the fall, but one thing is for sure..."running" and "tackling' have no place in the world of football in my opinion. I think I'll just go back to blending in as a spectator.