The Nude Gay Art Show

So let's recap the past month shall we? I get a phone call while at work to fly home to Boston because my grandfather was in the hospital and went back to Boston for 5 days. Before leaving, I quickly text Roommate "Hey, family emergency in Boston, be back when I can." It was simple common courtesy! I wasn't expecting ANYTHING in terms of a "hope everything is OK" or "let me know if you need anything" because I have come to the realization that my Roommate is simply not human. In fact, my most recent description of him is for you to think about the Alien from Men In Black who tries and shoves himself inside of a human body but doesn't quite fit...that's Roommate.

So I return home from Boston after knowing that Francis J is going to be just fine but I return home to find the apartment empty. That was February 23rd.  A few days go by and I realize that Roommate is simply not home. His bed is perfectly made like he does everyday and none of his 17 measuring cups have been used and the rotated.  Also, the apartment actually starts to smell good so I know he can't possibly be cooking anything. I finally sleep several nights like a baby...a baby who usually gets woken up by strangers having sex in the room next door. I am actually really happy to have the apartment to myself and find new and interesting ways to appreciate the apartment that is usually so full of books, nerds, tricks and curry.

DANCE PARTY!

But after a few weeks, I started to get worried!! As much as I don't enjoy Roommate's company, I never wish harm upon anyone. (Trust me, if I wanted to hurt you I wouldn't wait for karma I'd do it myself). So I sent him a few texts. "Hey, haven't seen you in a while, all good?" No response. Now, it's nearing March 15th and I am getting ready for another planned trip to Boston and there is STILL no sign of Roommate. I'm worried. So then I remember about one of Roommate's pet peeves and figure maybe if I can anger him, he'll respond to scold me. Allow to elaborate:

When I moved in with Roommate, we each agreed to take one bill on our credit cards. He took electricity, I took water. Both bills are roughly $70/month give or take $5. Now, wouldn't you think that if I have one $70 and he has another $70 bill that we would just pay our respective bills and call it even?? ME FUCKING TOO. No no, Roommate insists that we give each other half of the money from the other bill and document the transaction. If anyone has any idea why he'd want to do that, I'm open for suggestions. Any who, the few times that I have been traveling or busy or whatever I'd just text him "Sorry, I forgot to send you half the water bill I'll just pay the whole thing right now." to which I'd INSTANTLY get a phone call asking why etc etc. So I figure I'll text him "Forgot to pay the water bill" and figured within 10 minutes I'd a text, a phone call, and a carrier pigeon all scolding me for my actions...it was the perfect plan!!

Nope, no response from Roommate.

So I send him one final text..."Heading back to Boston until Tuesday, hope everything is OK"

Ok, well...as worried as I might be...it was not going to intrude on my plans to fly home for St. Patrick's Day and show off my new biceps  enjoy some quality time with my family and friends!

I arrive home LATE Monday night instead of Tuesday morning as I originally thought. I am not sure why Arizona doesn't participate in Daylight Savings time or why no direct flights go to Tucson but all I know is...if I were to get on a non-stop flight from Boston and travel same amount of time it takes me to get to Tucson...I would be in INDIA. Obviously because I flew coach, I was given nothing but laughter from the first class passengers to dine on during my 15 hours of travel so I was STARVING and couldn't wait to make myself some food.

I arrive home and see a light on. Ok, I think to myself...this is a relief! I schlep my bags up the steps and set them on the doorstep, find my keys and open the door...and of course, there is Roommate stark naked in my living room surrounded by dudes.

Me:

Ummm, hi

Roommate:

Oh hey, thought you weren't getting back until tomorrow

Me:

I didn't understand the time changes

Roommate:

Oh

Me:

Yea...do you mind putting on some clothes? (there goes my thought of eating food....ever again)

Roommate:

Oh yea sorry. Do you want some wine?

Me:

Please don't touch anything further until I Lysol everything

Roommate:

Sorry I didn't get your texts. I was in Mexico volunteering for a student art project. I was only planning on going there for the weekend but then I met this group of art students and they were there on spring break so we were hanging out and then they wanted to do another piece so I invited them back here to sketch me. That's Loco, Luiz, Rocco, Chino and Nibbles. This is my roommate sh-

Me:

Maria...what? if this is the traveling group of West Side Story then I want to be Maria.

Roommate:

Well, I mean they are always looking for extra models

Me:

1) I don't like being naked in the shower

2) If this is an "art group"...why does nobody have art supplies and why is Rocco also not wearing clothes?

3) If they are "students" why does Nibbles look about 40 and have teardrop tattoos? Pretty sure that means he's killed people....I'm going to bed.

Roommate:

Wait, there's just one more thing

Me:

What?

Roommate:

You paid the whole water bill? I thought we talked about this?

Me:

We did. Remind me tomorrow and we can talk about you holding Mexican Art Student Painting Parties and maybe if we can agree on ending those, I'll think about not paying the whole water bill. Good night.

Luiz:

Buenas noches buen chico buscando

Me:

Ew