Children Of The Porn

I'd like to think I am always there for my friends. Before this gig, it was easy for me to jump on a plane and fly to whatever part of the world my friends were in if they felt that they needed me. Once, a friend in Norway got pregnant and the baby daddy left her and she just needed a friend...so a quick trip to Oslo got her feeling 100% better. Another time, a friend needed help moving on the hottest day in July and rather than working and making a bunch of extra money on the weekend, I saddled up my Cadillac and got that bitch relocated in a mere few hours.  Then there was the time that my best friend in the world got deported from the United Kingdom after taking his expired visa to Greece for 2 months to sleep with a bunch of chicks and then tried to get back to see one of the 10 Michael Jackson shows that never happened because he died...Michael Jackson...not my friend.

So when I got word that a friend of mine from Boston was going to be in LA for the weekend I knew that not matter what, I had to see him! Now, this isn't just any friend of mine...this is a friend with a VERY famous family. His grandparents were celebrities on the big screen during the hay day of Hollywood and he spent his summers at the home of a family friend of theirs, George Lucas. So when I got the invite (read: invited myself) to visit his family in LA LA Land, I was MORE than excited about the opportunity.

Ron:
Can't wait to see ya this weekend buddy! What airport you flying into?

Me:
Van Nuys, obvi...what do you think I started flying commercial?

Ron:
I'm flying commercial

Me:
Me too, I land in LAX at 7:30.

Ron:
Ok great, got a bunch of stuff planned...bring something fancy to wear.

OMG!! My friend with the famous family wants me to bring something fancy to wear in HOLLYWOOD!!! I started racking my brain on potential ideas.

I'm no stranger to red carpets...but this was an LA Red Carpet...I could barely contain myself on the 45 minute flight from Arizona and was so happy to see Ron when HIS DRIVER picked me up. This guy is class plus.


Ron:
So...did you bring a suit?

Me:
What? no good?

Ron:
No, I mean...you look...interesting...just not sure you're going to fit in

Me:
I'm a chameleon. I blend in wherever...so whats the event...Movie Screening? Gallery Opening?

Ron:
We're going to a funeral.

Me:
A what?

Ron:
A funeral. One of my friends dads passed away and we need to make an appearance.

Me:
Have I met this person?

Ron:
Were you at my birthday in January?

Me:
I was living in Arizona

Ron:
Ok then, no you haven't.

So here we are driving up the I-10 to Beverly Hills on my way to a friend of a friends father's funeral...not really the way I planned my fabulous LA vacation but I can adjust.  We arrive at the funeral and I notice something right off the bat...no body.

Me:
(whispering) where is the body?

Ron:
(whispering) in the ground. he's Jewish

Me:
(whispering) then what's with the priest?

Ron:
I have no fucking idea

Yes, Ron's friend Abraham Hebrewburg's father was in fact Jewish as was his mother...so the appearance of the priest was something I had to question.

Ron:
Abe, so sorry about your dad man.

Abe:
Thanks so much for coming. Is this your boyfriend?

Ron:
No, dude, I'm straight and married...You were in my wedding.

Abe:
Oh, yea sorry. Mom gave me a pill to help my nerves...I think it was Valium

Me:
I think it was angel dust......what?

Ron (looking offended):
You could do worse.

Me:
Yes I know I could- but we aren.... why are we even discussing this?!

So Abe explains to us that when his father passed away suddenly, there were no Rabbis available to bury the body by sundown so his mother thought it'd be 6 to 1 half dozen of the other...but this was BEVERLY HILLS...I cut off 5 Rabbis at baggage claim...this town is full of Jews! Well once the priest had buried the body his mother felt it rude to not have him do the service...but a Rabbi was en route as well.

So as Ron is talking to the family I make like the chameleon I am and try and assimilate myself into my surroundings. I do a circle of the room and I make a realization that I never thought I'd have the courage to say...there were A LOT of smokin hot chicks in this place. Not even joking, the ratio of hot women to unhot women was like 100:1. They all looked soooo fake, sooo plastic. I haven't seen this much platinum blonde hair since my sister bought a pack of extensions at Costco.

Where have I seen these girls before?? They weren't A-list stars...they weren't B-list stars...I couldn't think of it so I asked Ron if Abe's dad was in show biz.

Ron:
Yea, his dad worked as a movie director. Isn't it great to see how many of the stars he worked with came out to pay tribute to him? It's sweet.

Me:
It's definitely something but sweet is not the word I would use. Ron, these chicks are porn stars.

Ron:
What? No. His dad didn't direct porn! He made educational films.

Me:
Yea...SEX ED films!! Unless you count the one over there that did Dallas as a Geography film.

Ron:
You're being ridiculous. Plus, what would you know about straight porn anyways?

Me:
Ummm you're talking to the guy who at the age of 12 ordered $7,500 worth of the Spice Channel on his a/b cable box during one week of April vacation....I know a female porn star when I see one.

Ron:
Stop it. You're being silly. I have to go help Abe with the hot dogs.

Me:
HOT DOGS?!

Ron:
Yea. His dad really loved this hot dog place in Calabasas and he had them cater all of his parties so Abe thought it would be a nice send off to have them cater the reception.

Me:
And you see NOTHING odd about this? Nothing at all?

Ron:
No you're right! I know. I actually thought about it too; but Abe cleared it up.

Me:
Annnnnnd?

Ron:
Their all beef so they're Kosher.

Oh for Christ's sake....FINE! I'll see you inside the reception.

The reception was a hoot!! If I knew it was going to be a AVN convention I would have brought my camera! No no, that's mean. It was a solemn and sad event but a joyous celebration of a man's life who brought happiness to millions and millions of men and women (mostly men) and the kindred spirits that converged to celebrate the soul and legacy of this talented and dedicated filmmaker...while eating hot dogs.