Hurricane Catrina and Ass Soup

I realize this is a random post to dedicate but after last week when I received an email from the 173rd Airborne Brigade Combat Team in Afghanistan telling me they enjoyed my blog and to keep up the hilarity I told them I would give them a shout out because without men and women like them I would not have the freedoms to say what I want in any manner and be able to do the the things that I know I take for granted. So to the 173rd Airborne and to all the of troops of the United States and the World...THANK YOU and I wish you and your families a very Merry Christmas and a safe and Happy New Year! Come Home Safely! Yours in spirit - Admiral Glitter of the S.S. Fabulous!

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My roommate just told me the most horrific thing in the entire world. Now, we don't have many conversations so the scale at which this is based is a bit curved but TRUST ME when I say that these words from my roommate are ones that no man should hear....I can't even deal with this and I beg you that if you are reading this near small children, please avert their eyes...He wants to make me dinner!

Ok, you don't get why this is awful and I will explain this to you...but first allow me to regale you with the story as to why he feels the need to poison me...this happened last Thursday:

Roommate Text:
Hey, are you coming home tonight?


Me:
Why? hosting another party with fat underage emo kids?
After my MMA training, what's up?

Roommate:
I need a favor, but I want to talk about with you in person

Me:
oh fuck
ok. see you around 8:30.

What is he going to ask me for? Anything normal like a ride or money we've already exchanged texts about...he's even told me about dating these 12 guys at once and he has to remind me of their names and back stories so I can pretend like I care and try my hardest no to reveal he is cheating on all them...I do...because I know my place. Omg, what if he asks me for a kidney or to be a surrogate!?



Details of your promiscuity do not interest me

So I get home at 8:30 and there is an AWFUL smell in my apartment. Not the normal awful smells that we will discuss but this is was something I couldn't quite figure out.

Me:
Hello?? Roommate?? You here?

Roommate:
In the living room

I approach the living room and see him sitting in one of the chairs looking suspect.
Whatever, he's not on the fridge...it's all i can ask for

Me:
What's under your sweatshirt?
Omfg is it my blind date? Did he hide in the cupboard until one of us got home?! WTF

Roommate:
I think you're going to like this!

Me:
It's moving...I doubt it.

Out of his sweatshirt pops a fucking cat. So there is my roommate, sitting on my now cat hair lined suede couch stroking a cat that I have never seen in my entire life.

Roommate:
I've told you about my cat right?

Me:
You told me your parents had a cat...you didn't mention it was going to come live with us!

Roommate:
No, she's not going to live with us...but I have to watch her this weekend and I forgot I'm going to Mexico! (In fairness, that's like forgetting you're going to New Hampshire as it is so close) and I can't bring her with me...So I was hoping you'd watch her?

Me:
You gotta be kidding me?
You gotta be kidding me?

Roommate:
PLEASE!! I can't take her to Mexico and I really want to go with [insert random trick's name]!! She's so sweet and so easy to take care of! Please!!

Me:
Ugh fine. What's her name?

Roommate:
Hurricane Catrina

Me:
WHAT? Are you fucking kidding me?

Roommate:
No, it's not Katrina it's spelled like Cat so it's not offensive.

Me:
And what? You have a dog named Holocaust or a Hampster named 9/11? This is the worst name for a pet I've ever heard!

Roommate:
You named your dog jenniferlopez (all one word small letters)

Me:
jenniferlopez (all one word small letters) didn't leave hundreds of thousands of people dead and homeless. She got into a gun brawl with Diddy in 1999 and made Gili...that's about as much damage she's ever done! You're sick.

Roommate:
Whatever, that's her name. Besides, she doesn't even answer to it

Me:
Because even she thinks it's a bad name

So he explains to me how to take care of a cat, how to load and empty a litter box blah blah blah. Then he drops this little bomb on me.

Roommate:
So there is one thing...she doesn't like to sleep alone

Me:
Neither do I honey bunches of oats but you get used to it!

Roommate:
No, you have to let her have your room or she'll cry.

Me:
I will just have a big glass of Pino Nioriquil and put my ear plugs in. Problem solved. Plus, he wont even be here!
Fine, she can sleep in my room.

So Roommate leaves on his Sluto de Mayo adventure and I'm left in custody of a 6lb piece of fur that spent 25 min staring at me.  Now I don't really blame her since I was staring back at her but I'm just not a cat person.

Nighttime fell and I put her bed in the living room and made myself a nice big Anna Nicole Cocktail and went to sleep.

3am
meeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

WTF is that? Aren't cats supposed to meow?

mmmmeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I try my hardest to go back to sleep but thru my earplugs and pillows comes

mmmmmmmmmmmerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Omg, what if she's giving birth or choking on something...I did not sign up for this!

mmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I say fine...I'm going to go out and see what the hell is wrong with this thing...I fed it Fancy Feast in a little martini glass just like in the commercial I don't know what is wrong with her.

I open my bedroom door and OH MY GOD...the smell...of cat pee....EVERYWHERE.

Catrina had peed on EVERY WALL IN THE APARTMENT including but not limited to the fridge, the kitchen island, the bookcase, the patio door, and the front door. This stupid bitch was about to be in a Sarah Mclachlan commercial because I was about to give it away. I text my Roommate and ask him if she's sick. Obviously I get:

Roommmate:
Oh, she must be in heat. Sorry. Don't let her on your bed.

As I'm reading this of course I realize she is on my bed...humping my pillows
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr




I'm horny. Horny horny horny. So horny. I'm horny horny horny tonight


I spend 60 min cleaning up cat pee and avoiding being raped so I lock her in Roommates room and threw catnip all over the floor hoping she'd OD. The smell is still in my apt and I told him if it's not gone by the time I get home from Florida I will relight our apartment on fire with him in.

So he gets home from Puerto de Homo Sunday and thanks me for taking such good care of her and how much he appreciates it and that's when he drops the D word on me.

Roommate:
I'm making you dinner tonight

Me:
Ohhhhhh, no that's OK really. Thank you tho.
You could offer me cash for all the fucking swiffer mops and bleach I had to buy

Roommate:
I insist. 8pm sound good?

Why don't I want my roommate to cook me dinner? Because my roommate can't cook for shit!! Now let me tell you the difference between us. I am from a family of AMAZING Italian cooks who have sauce recipes that take days to make.  I am from an Irish family that can make a Sunday dinner that would make you wanna slap your mama. I...am just lazy.  Why would I go through the trouble of preparing a full meal for myself at 9pm when I'm home from the gym when I can just throw in a Lean Cuisine? Now when I'm married...bet my bottom dollar that my man will come home to a delicious dinner as I vacuum the floor in my pearls and the children finish their arithmetic.

Roommate on the other hand...loves to cook...and possibly comes from a family of great cooks...but that gene just did not swim into that embryo sweetie because whatever he cooks smells like it has been sitting in the sun for days rotting. Now I know exactly what he is going to make me...it's his famous dish that he makes every single week. It is affectionately called ASS SOUP. It is called this for 2 reasons 1) It looks like soup 2) It smells like ass. I have seen him eat this A.S. by itself as well as on top of both pasta and rice which makes me believe it is some type of curry. The only thing is I know what curry smells like...and sag, and vindaloos, and Marsala and NONE of them smell as bad as this!!

He makes it every Sunday and the smell just permeates in the entire apartment until late Saturday night despite how many Yankee Candles I light. What boggles my mind even more is that I DONT KNOW WHAT HE MAKES IT WITH!! We don't keep all that much food in our house so my only thought is that he goes to the 24 Korean Grocery store and buys their expired dairy products and boils them for several hours while adding something he found dead on the street. It is disgusting!!

This is a picture of one of it's descendants that has been kept frozen for experimental purposes:







Keep in mind there are NO VEGGIES IN THIS SO WHY IS IT GREEN!!

The bad news is, I couldn't find a good excuse to not go eat dinner with him tonight. The good news is after my food poisoning subsides I am going to 10 lbs closer to my ideal weight!  #SilverLining

My Date With Bear Grylls

So there is a myth about working in radio. There is an old fable that those who work in the entertainment industry can use their connections to basically "score" with whatever sex they set they set their eyes upon.  Supposedly, there is an allure to the average man that places basically anyone who works in a radio station in a position of power over anyone they come across because the average person is instantly enamored with the thoughts of VIP Access, Front Row Seats and of course Meet and Greets with their favorite celebrities...this theory is 100%...TRUE.

I only knew this from knowing and dating DJ's but I have never experienced this surge of superpowers until I moved to Arizona...being a radio DJ is like being 10x more attractive than you actually are because people instantly like what you do.  You don't have to explain your job, you don't have to painstakingly talk about what your major was in college and how you found yourself to be where you are and what your aspirations are...it's all in those two letters D.J....it saves a whole lot of time let me tell you; but like William Shakespeare once said, "With great power, comes great responsibility". Just as easily as you can woo a future a mate with your savvy show biz connections, they can easily pretend to be interested in you and just use you for concert tickets. This actually happened: I dated someone for 3 months who dumped me in the train station after the 2007 Beyonce Experience claiming that seeing Beyonce was the only reason he dated me...trust me you only have to burnt like that once to have a serious wall up when meeting people. Why am I sharing this information with you? Because it will be important to know...so says I.




You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me


We were doing a Radiothon to help poor children who needed toys. It was one of the biggest things my stations have done and it was very successful! When radio stations do something BIG and they do it RIGHT...the outcome is amazing!! This was all of our stations taking on-air shifts and asking people to drop toys off to our set-up and yours truly was going to be doing his FIRST LIVE TELETHON!! It was horrifyingly awesome but luckily I think I did a really good job.  During the show, a giant firetruck pulls up and 4 of Tucson's FINEest got out and literally donated 300 toys and said they enjoyed listening and one of them was quite eager to see what I looked like since supposedly he told my assistant I was cuter than I sounded....still don't know if that is a compliment or not.

Now. the problem with him showing up at a gig to try and flirt with me is that he wasn't talking to "me" at all...he was talking to "Work Me"...Work Me is one of the reasons I think I am so successful. Work Me is "On" from the time I step foot at that gig until the time I leave. I am there for 2 reasons only, 1) Entertain the Masses 2) Get Paid. I have no interest in meeting new love interests because I am there to do a good job and make everyone I work with/for look good. So I was paying NO attention to him which in retrospect might be my new plan of attack because he was enjoying my "hard to get".  When I did have a break I thanked them for dropping off the toys and regaled them with my story of my sociopath roommate lighting our apartment on fire earlier in the week. We talked for a bit but I was not flirting AT ALL....now again, I am not saying I am incapable of flirting...If I'm not working I will flirt with you, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, their boyfriend, the bartender, the cabbie and sometimes myself...but even when he gave me his card and said "Well if you ever want to reach me without calling 9-1-1 here is my number" my response was AWFUL. "Oh awesome, I'll make sure my roommate knows that too, have a great day and thanks for listening!" Yes, I'm a schmuck and it wasn't until my assistant literally slapped me for being so aloof of his advances that I got worried. "Holy Crap, a really hot fireman just spent and hour flirting with me and all I could do was talk about these stupid poor kids and Kate Middleton's baby...I fucking suck". I was reluctant to call him....but then I realized that meeting a cute guy with a job in this town is like finding a leprechaun...and even better...he wasn't the size of a leprechaun so I was all about it...I called him that night and apologized...he laughed and explained if I tried to hit on him during a fire he probably wouldn't have paid too much attention to me either....well that's good to know. Before I knew, we were planning a date!!

Once the date was set, I did what any normal guy in my position does...

1) Update my Bloomingdale's Bridal Registry
2) Light a candle and pray to my ancestors who I know don't want the Doherty name to end with me.
3) Check to see if the domain name OurTwoNamesAreGettingMarried.com is taken. If it is, I just run through the list of names I'd ask him to change so that we'd have a cute website.

We're on the phone...
Fireman:
So what do you want to do?

Me:
Get Engaged
Um, I'm up for anything!!

Fireman:
Do you like to hike?

Me:
Hike? Oh sure, I love hiking

Fireman:
Awesome! I'm a big outdoors guy

Me:
Me too!**



**Ok, I know that's a lie but you don't understand how attractive this guy was!! Now I have good reason to hate the outdoors and I'll quickly share it with you. When I was 10 my mother took me and my sister to a "camp" that a friend of hers ran in North Conway, NH...but it wasn't exactly a camp...it was an outdoors weekend retreat for emotionally unstable kids who were into cutting themselves. While my mother didn't know that upon arrival, she was too tired to drive us home since we got lost and it took us 9 hours to get there so she made us stay the night. Since the boys and girls were in different bunks, I am by myself in a cabin where most of the other campers were strapped to their beds. Oh but it get better!! My mom's friends' ex husband comes to the camp in the middle of the night to reclaim custody of their 2 sons WHO ARE IN MY BUNK and breaks in with a SHOTGUN and AXE to take them away...shots were fired and the husband ended up killing himself and before you know it we're on our way to the Loon Mountain Resort...so no, I am not the "outdoors" type. Ps- for more great mom stories keep and eye out for The Debbie Chronicles coming in 2013!







Camp Acutcharistin '97

 


Camp Counselor Bob

 

Fireman:

Oh, awesome! Love guys who are into the outdoors. Hey do you know what would be great?

Me:

Your last name after my first?

What?

Fireman:
We should hike up Star Pass Mountain and watch the sunrise!!  Sunrise is going to be at 6:45 so if I pick you up by 5 and we're at the path by 5:15, we should be at the summit within the hour!

Me:
AM?? I think you've inhaled too much smoke there buddy
Ohhh that does sound great but...I'm actually allergic to sunrises...yea, it's a rare vampire epilepsy condition...can't do them. Sawwee :0(

Fireman:
Oh, ok...how about 8?

Me:
10?

Fireman:
9?

Me:
Deal

Ok, awesome!! I have a date with a hot fireman (yay!) and we're going hiking (boo)...but it's OK because I have the cutest Lulu Lemon tracksuit that I've been dying to wear as it shows off my great assets.

When you spend Saturday night drinking bottles of wine and watching Harry Potter movies in the tub you don't realize how quickly Sunday morning sneaks up on you! But there it was 8:30am on a beautiful Sunday morning and I woke up to 3 texts from him!

Text 1 7:05am
Hey it's Fireman, just seeing if you're up and maybe wanted to get on the road earlier. Looking forward to seeing you!

Text 2 7:45am
Guess you're Mr. Sleepy...hope you're up soon! I'll be there at 9!

Text 3 8:25am
Hey buddy I'm at your place. Don't rush, just wanted to let you know I'm here.

Bitch you are 35 minutes early!! Don't you know that me waking up at 8:30 gives me exactly enough time to pee, wash my face, apply spf 15 tinted moisturizer, brush my teeth, and eat a bowl of cereal...you have left me with NONE OF THIS!! I am so mad but that quickly goes away after I brush my teeth and put on my outfit. Lulu Lemon tracksuit, Red Sox Hat, customized multi-colored New Balance sneakers and a pair of Dior aviators...LET'S KICK THIS SHIT NATURE!

As I approach his car he gets out like a gentlemen to greet me...and I notice something very wrong/right with this picture...he is in skin tight under armour and is wearing some kind of utility belt with hooks...may I remind you that this is only our first date.

Me:
That's an interesting outfit. Lance Armstrong having a yard sale?

Fireman:
You should talk, you look like Victoria Beckham going through an airport.

Clearly, I'm now head over heals in love with him...I mean...he just compared me to Posh Spice!




Like looking into a mirror


Fireman:
What'd you have for breakfast?

Me:
A cup of coffee and a klonopin
Umm a protein shake...and a protein..bar?

He's driving and rattling off something about complex carbohydrates and I can do nothing but think about making jello shot molds out of the serrations of his muscles...and plan where our  3rd kid is going to college.  Maybe we should just skip hiking and I can make him elope against his will??

So we arrive at one of the billion state parks Arizona has to offer and we park the car...somethings missing...something very important...

Me:
Oh, where is the trail?

Fireman:
That's the best part about this park...you make your own trail!!

No bitch, Lewis and Clark "made their own trail" and people died of dysentery and oxen drowned...I like using other peoples trails, thanks!

Fireman:
Is that the only water you brought?

Me:
This is the 33oz Fiji...shit is $4.50 a bottle!

Fireman:
You won't last the first two hours

Me:
I had plans to be drinking mimosas in 2 hours...preferably off your abs
I'll be fine!

And so began the WORST NATURE EXPERIENCE I have ever had. He basically just sprinted vertically up the mountain...no trail...no idea if the rock I'm about to hop over had a dead drop at the other side and SWEATING MY ASS OFF!! My idea of hiking is  briskly walking through a path and perhaps stop and admire the cute desert animals...apparently his idea of hiking was X-TREME MOUNTAIN CLIMBING!!   We ascend a few thousand feet and he stops me -

Fireman:
Be careful!! That's a jumping cactus!

Me:
A fucking what?

Fireman:
It's a jumping cactus...normal cacti wait until you near them to prick you but a jumping cactus is attracted to the static electricity in your body and will LEAVE THE PLANT AND ATTACK YOU.

BEFORE



AFTER.
THIS IS SOME SUPER MARIO BROTHERS BULL SHIT!



Literally, this guy was jumping over boulders and running up this mountain. I kept a smile on my face the whole the time but part of me wished a loose rock would give way and I would be put out of my misery. To make matters worse, he takes off his shirt because again it's 1,000,000,000,000 degrees Celsius out and me with my Body Dismorphic Disorder gave me one more reason I will never eat anything again. We reach 2/3 way up and I took some photos for your enjoyment.



TRAIL BLAZER



How do I end this?? He has like 10,000 more feet he wants to go and I cant...I just cant...chiseled jaw, giant biceps, and six pack abs be damned...I had to get out of here.

Me:
OWWWWWWWW!!!

Fireman (sprints down the mountain at lightning speed):
What's a matter kiddo?

Me:
It's my ankle...I caught it in a rock and I think it might be broken

Fireman:
Well I'm an EMT too...I can tell you if it's broken

Me:
Fuck. Of course you are.
Gee, I hope it's not...I'll be so mad if I can't finish the hike!

Fireman:
Awww, don't worry about that... no it's not broken...but it might be sprained...I should get you down the mountain and get you home

Me:
Can we stop at the liquor store first?
If you think it'd be best!

I'd love to say he carried me down the mountain but even I couldn't punish the man like that.  He was a gentleman tho and helped me all the way down and into his car.

Fireman:
I feel so bad. You would have loved the view in about another 45 minutes. We'll go another time tho.

Me:
Yes, when I own a helicopter. And do you know what desert looks like at 3,000 feet? The same fucking thing it looks like a 3 feet...DESERT!
I'd like that.

So not only did he take me home and wrap my ankle for me, he has texted every day to make sure I am feeling better and wants to take me out again...sadly, the "doctor" says I can't hike for at least another 3-5 years...but a short walk down to the altar would do me fine ;0)

Ouchie :0p

The Time I Went To Prison

So here is a fun new twist - my BOSS is now friends with me on facebook and therefore will probably read my blog at some point. Nothing is really going to change but I feel as tho the following is appropriate:

This blog is provided solely for entertainment purposes. The opinions expressed in this blog do not reflect the views and opinions of Clear Channel Media and Entertainment, it's subsidiaries, or affiliates. The blog does not constitute medical or legal advice, and is not intended for use in the diagnosis or treatment of individual patients or conditions, or as a substitute for consultation with a licensed medical professional. The mention of any person, company, product, service, mentioned in this blog does not constitute an endorsement of any kind and will assume no responsibility for any injury or damage to persons or property arising out of or related to any use of this blog or to any errors or omissions.

I'm confident that nothing is going to go wrong because:
1) My boss is the coolest guy ever
2) The daughter of the CFO of the entire company is a friend and big fan of me and the blog so I'm good.

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Surprisingly, I have never been arrested before. Now I'm not saying I run around committing crimes all the time but there have been several occurrences that certainly would have warranted at least a one nighter in a holding cell. For instance, one time I was drunk at London Heathrow Airport and since they wouldn't let me on the plane for being drunk I threatened to have the gate agent beheaded. Now, this was not a random threat - my dad knows the President, who knows the Queen who can have people beheaded so thanks to Kevin Bacon I held this person's life in my hands...and they held me at the airport until the next morning.

Then there was the time I tried to use my Fake New York ID to get into a club. The cop at the door took my ID, read it and asked me a simple question. "Westchester huh? Is that Upstate or out on Long Island?" my response of "Kind of both" didn't appease him and I ran away...thank god I run on my toes I'm like a Kenyan.

Last year I got escorted out of club because I might have decided to get wasted and get on stage wearing nothing but an afro wig and leopard shoes...sometimes I have theme nights when I go out...except I'm the only one doing them.

And then of course there was the time I accidentally kidnapped Jesse McCartney but that was totally NOT my fault!

The fact that it took me a move to Arizona for me to end up in prison is an event in my life that I did not expect and it all has to do with LiL' Kim...

Several weeks ago I received an email from a woman asking me about hosting an event.  Now, as I've said before...there is very little I won't do for money but like a good trick I always ask what's expected of me before I disclose pricing. "Oh, it's PCC Family Day so we just want you to greet the families, make some announcements, play some music, and maybe bring t-shirts." Ok, sounds simple enough. I tell the very nice lady I'm in and she can email me the details. I hang up the phone and quickly ask a co-worker what PCC is? Pina Community College she tells me. Sweet! That is right down the street from my apartment and there is nothing I love more than sexually confused freshmen so this might be a win-win situation! The very nice lady...we'll call her Veronica...phones me again.

Veronica:
Just to clarify...you're a hip-hop dj right?

Me:
Um, yes*

Veronica:
Ok great, we just want to make sure you'll be bringing the right sort of dj to the event. See you soon!

*Am I a hip-hop dj? Technically Yes! I have done a few shifts on the hip-hop station here i, I have dj'd in clubs around the US where I have played hip-hop music and I have loved hip-hop since I bought my first CD The Notorious K.I.M back in 2000...I remade a Nicki Minaj rap song and I have even made a video detailing the History of Hip Hop which for legal reasons I cannot share with you but here are some highlights:





FROM THE 70'S





TO THE 80's




THE 90's



AND TO SUPER BASS

 So gig days rolls around and I prepare for what is sure to be a very ordinary gig but I put on a little extra body shimmer because the weather here is really nice and when the sun hits it I look like I'm from Twilight...I also wear my flat brimmed Red Sox Hat which is my standard "hip hop" hat that I wear when meeting and working anything related to hip-hop...and off I go.

Please see: HIP HOP HAT

I drive to Pina Community College and check in...but don't seem to be on the list....hmmm? I wonder if there is another campus perhaps I should be at? I then look down at my phone and check the address...oh crap I'm at the wrong location. I jump back into my car...and speed away...my gps says I'm nearing the location...no campus in sight...keep driving and I all of a sudden I'm in a really bad neighborhood...like the type of neighborhood you only go to if you have to and even then you shouldn't go. I quickly call my contact

Veronica:
This is Veronica

Me:
Hi Veronica, I'm so sorry I'm running late I went to the wrong campus.

Veronica:
Campus?

Me:
Yea I thought it was the Pina Community College Main campus but this must be there a...South Side location?

Veronica:
I'm sorry but you're mistaken. The event is not at Pina Community College, we are the 
Pina County Corrections department. The event is at the penitentiary.

Me (never losing my cool):
Oh, excellent. Sorry, I got my PCC's mixed up haha. So I am at the right address now then I suppose?

Veronica:
Yup, just go through the visitors entrance and once you're cleared through security I'll bring you in and introduce you.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! I have never been so nervous in my entire life. There is a small chance I even lost control of my bowels in that short moment but there wasn't time to think about it. I am about to go and host a Family Day...at a prison...in Arizona...AT A PRISON. I pull my car up to the gate and check in...the guard looks at me.

Guard:
You're the hip hop dj?

OH FUCK! I forgot I told them I was a hip hop dj. I was a fake, a sham. I have never read "Word Up" magazine...I mean I sometimes peruse "Ebony Hairstyles" while I'm at the airport but that's about it. These inmates and their families are expecting DJ Clue and they are getting DJ GLITTER...again, confidence is key.

Me:
(upwards head nod) You know it homie.

Guard:
Pull up to the gate and the security team will escort you in.

I pull up and want to throw up because I'm so nervous.  Everything in Arizona is bigger by design because there is just so much damn space so this place was like a fortress. I check-in through security.

Guard:
Sorry, you can't bring that phone case in here...too flashy.

Flashy? They're inmates, not barracudas! And it's not that flashy...just your run of the mill crystal sided Louis Vuitton case my sister go me for my birthday. These guards have no taste.

I go through security and I meet Veronica and as I expected she looked all kinds of confused.

Veronica:
DJ?

Me:
Hi!

Veronica:
Oooh so nice to meet you. Sorry...you don't look like what I had pictured.

Really bitch? You sounded just as fat.

Me:
I know right! That's the magic of radio I guess!

Veronica:
So I figured you can welcome everyone and talk about you know how great it is to be here. You know, this is more for the families than the inmates and holidays can be so tough and lonely on them missing their dads and brothers and such so if you can touch upon that too it'd be great. If you have any personal stories you can share, it'd be great too...relate to them more a little bit.

Woman let's clarify something...I'm in a JAIL...there is NOTHING great about being here! You never mentioned any of this to me before and now i'm about to go on your little rickety ass stage in front of 2,000 of Arizona's most dangerous criminals and wish them all a Happy Holiday?! Oh gurl.

Now some of you might be saying "Oh, I thought you'd be happy to be there. It'd be like being in OZ. Just don't drop the soap ha ha." NO as a matter of fact this was NOTHING like OZ except for the surplus of neck tattoos but that's about it. Everyone looked like a Mexican version of Suge Knight.

So I did what I always do...I went to work. I addressed the crowd, thanked them for having me...told the families how much their love and support in these difficult times is appreciated and wished them all a Happy Holidays...not bad DJ Glitter...not bad.

Then Veronica opened her big fucking mouth "And the dj will be here giving away free things and playing music SO MAKE SURE YOU GO AND VISIT HIM"

Anyone who has ever worked at a radio appearance will know that people go ape shit over free things. It could be the stupidest thing in the entire world, but if it's free...they want 12 of it. T-shirts are the golden item. I have used T-shirts as currency at many events for free food. So here's a question...

What happens when you have 10 t-shirts for 2,000 prisoners? You have 1090 pissed off prisoners.

I have seen movies where they shank someone for not having the right apple juice and now I have a mob of FEDERALLY CHARGED getting angry at me for not having enough free shit...I have never wanted my mommy more in my life.

I explain to Veronica the situation and she says "I told you it was going to be an event for 2,000"

And that's fantastic...but even if this was an armless legless terminally ill blind orphan event I STILL would not have 2,000 prizes!

Me:
I'm happy to play some music for the rest of the time??

Veronica:
What kind of music?

Lady Gaga bitch, I figured I can maybe orchestrate a flash mob like they did in Taiwan

Me:
Hip-hop?

Veronica:
Ok good. You just don't look like the type of person that knows hip-hop.

You don't look like the type of person that knows Weight Watchers why don't you shut the fuck up and let me do my job!?

And away I went...as always I impressed. Some KRS One, some Biggie, some Tupac and obviously some Nicki Minaj as well as a lot of other music...the inmates themselves were actually all very nice and were a little disappointed that I didn't have any country music. I got to spend some time talking to the families and the inmates themselves and some of the stories were really sad. I never was judgmental or snobbish and it got me think about how nice it is to be able to see my family whenever I want...not just on "Family Day".  I also think I showed them that a white boy with body shimmer can break down stereotypes of what a "hip hop" dj can look like.

"And if you a G, be an F-A-G, my name is Glitter, you can call me Sean D." - Pride Floats