My Roommate's Sausagefest

I think it’s fair to say I have given Roommate MORE than enough chances to be normal. I mean, I’ve watched his pet, dealt with his MANY MANY MANY bed companions and played host to a slew of homo-dramatic events that many in my position would have cast judgement on. Me? I don’t judge. I blog and let you judge. I can’t judge! I’ve been a part of my share of illicit affairs, permiscous rendezvous and non-intentional arson.  I will say this for the record, Roommate is not a BAD person…he is just fucking weird.  Again, this is coming from the boy called GLITTER and who, on more than one occasion, has gone out in New York City, London, Miami, Moscow, Sydney, Dubai and LA wearing nothing more than shimmer powder and underwear so I am not saying that I am all that normal but this past week…well I think I can say this has never happened in the weirdness of my life.

It all started with a series of text messages between me and roommate.

Me:

Hey, just a heads up, my dad is coming into town next week. He’s staying at a hotel but just so you know.

Roommate:

Oh, well my parents are coming into town this week. They are staying with us.

Me:

No of course it isn’t an inconvenience. I don’t mind at all. They are your family! You didn’t even need to run it by me.

When are they coming?

Roommate:

Thursday (it’s Tuesday) and just so you know I’ll be using the kitchen prepping food for them.

Me:

My god, what did they do to deserve that?!

Sounds great, let me know if you need any help.

So I go about my normal Tuesday and arrive home from the animal shelter where I volunteer around 8pm and OH MY GOD…THERE IS BLOOD EVERYWHERE!! What the fuck happened? Did my roommate try to fuck the blender?! Why is there so much blood and what is that awful smell!?!?! Maybe my friends (shout out to Corey and Dawn!) were right? Maybe Roommate was American Psycho…maybe these were all the guys that rejected him this past weekend!?

Me:

Hello!??! Roommate!? Where are you!?

Roommate:

In the bathroom!

Me:

Umm theres a lot of blood

Roommate:

Yea, I wasn’t expecting that. 

Me:

What exactly are you doing?

Roommate:

Well, my family is from [East Bum Fuck] and this is one of our traditions…my grandparents always cure meat and make sausages from scratch so I thought in honor of their visit I would brine several different meats and make homemade sausage…apparently the meat was still very fresh

Me:

I think the meat was still alive! Don’t you need like certain conditions to dry meat?!  Like a butchers shop?!

Roommate:

No, I read all about it [of course you did because you don’t watch TV] and I just need a place to hang the meat pieces and dry heat which luckily we have plenty of in Arizona…oh, is it OK if we don’t put the AC on for two nights?

Me:

Ummm sure!! My grandparents love martinis but I’m not about to fly to Russia and pick potatoes and make liquor from scratch…but whatever.

Side note: I am an Air Condition addict!! If the outside air is warmer than 50 degrees than I will have the airconditioner on.  So much so that I made a deal with roommate that I would pay the entire electric bill if he let me run the A/C as much as I want. So for me to agree to no A/C in 80 degree weather is a HUGE sacrifice for me…you’re welcome Jesus.

Wednesday 5:53AM

I awake to the stench of what seemed like something they’d find on SVU…the smell was gastly and I couldn’t even Fabreeze it enough for me to fall back asleep. Roommate was NOT doing this right. I bang on his door and of course some random dude answers.

Ranbdom Trick:

Yea, do you mind like flushing or opening a window?

Me:

I’m sorry whore what?!

Random Trick:

Roommate says you’re the one making the smell

Me:

Did he?! Well why don’t you take a little walk with me into roommates bathroom because clearly you haven’t been here long enough to take a look around…does THIS look like it’s me making that smell!?!

Random Trick:

OMG I THINK I’M GOING TO BE SICK

Me:

In more ways than one you stupid slut

Roommate:

What are you doing?! I told you to keep that door closed?!

Me:
Really?! You’re going to keep your bathroom shut for two days while rotting meat festers our apartment? Imma pull a Destinys Child right now and say no no  no no no. This is NOT OK….

Let's examine all the reasons why your jerky making factory failed shall we?

1)You bought a heating fan designed to "dry" these animals when instead you failed to realize that keeping them near any amount of water (i.e. - sink, toilet) and heating them would just STEAM them rather than dry them out....have you ever smelled steamed chicken? Smells like balls right? Have you ever smelled steamed horse? You cannot imagine. 

2) You purchased meat from a random Mexican supermerchado rather than consulting with an actual butcher who would tell you that it takes weeks to properly dehydrate and cure meat sanitarily and efficiently

3) YOU'RE TRYING TO DRY MEAT OUT IN MY FUCKING HOUSE!!!

Wednesday night I arrive home from work and again, what I see does not even make sense. Apparently, whatever animals were hung from their hooves in his shower were the lucky ones...Roommate is hard at work CASING SAUSAGES on my kitchen counter. Just incase you've never had the pleasure of witnessing what making sausage from scratch looks like...




The cases themselves? Condoms. My kitchen is full of ground up animal parts...and condoms. I've never wanted to be a vegetarian more in my life. The noise of the grinder keeps me up all night so I just start watching a marathon of Hostel and Saw movies hoping secretly my Roommate might accidentally fall into his meat grinder...I happily drift to sleep.

Thursday arrives and it occurs to me I didn't ask Roommate how many family members were staying with us. Now, I would NEVER have my friends or family stay with me if I had a roommate...that's just me. So of course I bring it up to Roommate.

Me:
So, forgot to ask...who is coming to stay with us again? Your dad and brother?

Roommate:
My dad, my brother, my step mom and step sister. But don't worry because I will just share a bed.

Sounds fair. I've shared a bed with my sister before...it's fine..again...not judging yet

Roommate:
Yea, so it will just be my brother and step sister sleeping in the living room.

Me:
?????????????????????? You're sharing a bed with your dad and step mom? Ok, now I'm judging. 
You're sharing a bed with your dad and step mom?

Roommate:
Well, I mean yea unless you're offering....

Honestly I didn't know what would be worse, having roommate stay with me or having me stay in a bed with his dad and stepmom...neither offers were on the table.

Me:
Oh, I would but I've been feeling really sick lately and I don't want to get anyone sick. I'll probably just lock myself in my room for the weekend.



Roommate:
Oh no you have to at least meet them. They're so excited to meet you!!

Why? I mean, I know why my friends would want to meet you but just to prove that you're real. The family arrives and I have NEVER seen such a group of unattractiveness in one room. This man and woman had separate spouses and still were able to produce 2 of the most hideous children I've ever seen. It was like The Hills Have Eyes meets The Brady Bunch.

Father:
Oh son, it's awful nice to meet you!

Me:
Ok, please dont ever refer to me as son again. 
Very nice to meet you too!

Step Mom:
Roommate tells us you're one of them there radio disk jockeys...like...what's his name Paw?

Father:
Not sure who ya mean Maw

Step Mom:
The one with that there show on the TV

Me:
Ryan Seacrest?

Step Mom:
Jerry Lewis!




Father:
Oh yea, Jerry Lewis...can't get enough of him. Is that what you do?

Me:
For all intensive purposes because I don't feel like explaining what muscular dystrophy is altho based on the appearance of the step kids I feel like they might know...or maybe that's just fetal alcohol poisoning and bad genes...
I do!! That's me!!

Roommate:
Tammy Lynne I told you not to make a big deal about it. Now let's go, I've prepared a wonderful meal for you all.

Father:
You're staying for supper right Steve?

Me:
Um, It's Sean and sadly noooo I can't. I have a thing to go to and I'll be back really late. I probably won't see you again for the trip but IT WAS SO NICE TO MEET YOU.

Tammy Lynne:
Crystal [no doubt named after Tammy's drug of choice] go get the Kodak out of my purse and let's take a picture with this here radio dj. You're bout the most famous we've ever met!

I really should feel happy about that...but I don't...just sad.

So in walks Crystal with a...no lie...disposable camera. 3/$1 at iParty....winds up after the flash.

Me:
Are you sure you just don't want me to take of you all?

Father:
Nonsense, you get in here. Roommate take a picture so we can get on in and start dinner!

So I left Roommate and family to dine on possibly one of the animals I rescued earlier in the week and I took my ass to the Ritz Carlton until I was sure they had gone. I'm sure my blog would have been more exciting had I bunked it with Tammy Lynne and Paw but sometime tells me I'm better off leaving that episode of Jerry Springer untouched.

As for me, I'll always have the photo.