-----------------------------------------------------------------
Let's just quickly talk about race for a second. I...am not a racist. I...make off colored jokes that people perceive as racist. I would NEVER directly insult someone in a derogatory manner. I will absolutely indirectly insult you. But I think it's good you should understand this before continuing to read because while I will joke about what happened last week, I don't want anyone to feel like I wouldn't make the same jokes about them regardless of their race, ethnicity, skin color or creed. I am an equal opportunity offender.
I try not to come home during the day from work. After several..."surprise" interruptions I quickly realized that Roommate does most of his "studying" during the daylight hours of the workday because he assumes no one will be around to bother him. To clarify: Studying, is code for my Roommate hooking up with random dudes he met online/abducted from the library or McDonalds. In fact, pretty much everything my roommate says he is going to be doing is code for hooking up. And yes, I have come home during lunch to find Roommate hosting a study group....figure that one out yourself.
Thursday, however, I could not avoid coming home during the day because the day before Tucson had experienced a blizzard of apocalyptic proportion. 3 1/2 inches of SNOW blanketed the city and schools and businesses were forced to shut down. It was so treacherous that I was unable to order delivery because the "safety of the drivers was compromised" this from a city with a daily murder rate of 5 people.
So any who, couldn't get food delivered and couldn't get to my office Wednesday so I had to leave for work Thursday and do some quick food shopping at lunch and drop the groceries off at my apartment. I go to the store and come home...it was later that noon but earlier than two.
I arrive home to no noises, no handcuffs, no electric appliances in the bedroom...just silences.
PHEW! Finally, an afternoon to myself so I can make some sort of decent meal......ummmm Hi?
Sitting on my couch is a scared looking Asian girl. I will guess she was in her twenties but then again, she could have been 6...I can never really tell.
Me:
Hi! Sorry. I didn't see you there. Hope you enjoyed my rapping.
Asian Girl:
Me:
Ooook. Is Roommate here?
Asian Girl:
Me:
Fantastic. You don't speak English.
Asian Girl:
Ok, well I'll just text Roommate and see if perhaps you're lost.
Me:
Hi, are you coming home?
Roommate:
In a bit. I had to run to the library (see: hookup). Why what's up?
Me:
Ummmm, not a whole lot except for the small Asian girl on our couch who doesn't speak English?
Roommate:
Oh, that's Hae Na. She's a correspondent for one of the courses I'm teaching. She's fine.
Me:
So you want me to just leave her on the couch?
Roommate:
Yea, I told her I would be back in an hour.
Me:
Because you obviously know Korean...
I feel bad so I offer her some food...since I don't speak Korean...I simply yell slowly with lots of hand movements.
Me:
AAAAAARRRRRREEEEEEEE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUU? HUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNGRY?
Hae Na:
Just kidding, actually she nodded her head yes so I start preparing some food, admiring myself for learning Korean so easily.
Now, I'm not particularly good with hosting foreign students at my house. In high school, I hosted a Japanese exchange student named Masa who came to live with me for 3 weeks during October of my junior year. We did not see eye to eye (absolutely no racial joke meant there) on anything! I went to the fancy Whole Foods and bought all this food to make him feel at home and all he did was sit in our guest room and play with his futuristic cell phone that turned into a mirror and had little charms hanging from the antenna.
Cut to 2006 - My dad is away with the Military and I arrive home from a British Music conference to my sister picking me up from the airport with two girls in the car.
Kerri:
This is Julie and Ophelia...they are going to be living with us.
Me:
Why?
Kerri:
Because I rescued them.
Me:
From where?!
My sister was working at a camp and met these two lovely ladies while I was away. Apparently, they were sent to live with a "family" through the program they signed up for and instead ended up staying with a childless 40 year man who removed the doors from his bathroom and used to watch them sleep.
My sister, while Angelina Jolie-esque in her intentions, never told the program that the girls had moved in with us...and we didn't know was that Ophelia...had a tendency to sleepwalk. So 3 weeks into their trip to America and 48 hours into the custody of me and my sister...Ophelia got up in the middle of the night, walked over to the 3rd floor window of our guest room...opened it...and jumped out. After landing on our concrete driveway she awoke Francis J with a sound that he describes as "cats dying while giving birth". Kerri comes rushing into my room.
Kerri:
SEAN! WAKE UP! OPHELIA IS DEAD!
Me:
What?!
Kerri:
SHE JUMPED OUT THE WINDOW. THE POLICE AND FIRE DEPARTMENTS ARE HERE NOW.
For some reason, and to this day I still don't know how, I fell back to sleep.
Ophelia did NOT die...she broke both of her legs and had to get sent home with lots of questioning from the program because obviously they did not know she was even in our house let alone sleepwalking her way across the U.S.A.
Now, I could say at this point that Hae Na and I formed a bond that would last us years to come because regardless of language barriers, friendship can be forged through the simplest of notions....but it cant.
What I can tell you is that she ate the sandwich I made her and then stared at me writing the beginning of this very blog as Roommate came home.
Roommate:
What the fuck are you doing?
Me:
Giving my 14,390 readers a good laugh on a Wednesday
Working. What's the matter?
Roommate:
You fed her?
Me:
Umm, yes. She was hungry and I had no idea how long she had been on the couch so I offered her a sandwich.
Roommate:
You weren't supposed to feed her!
Me:
What is she a fucking Gremlin?! Why can't she eat?
Roommate:
Because I was going to take her to Chinatown for a traditional Korean dinner! Ugh, you ruin everything.
Me:
Ok, first off..Tucson doesn't even have an Americantown so I'm not sure where the hell Chinatown is. Second, judging by the fact that she doesn't speak any engrish, I'm thinking she probably had a traditional Korean breakfast THIS MORNING WHEN SHE LEFT KOREA. Third, you left her here for god knows how long!
Roommate:
I had office hours
Me:
Is that what you want to call it!
Hae Na starts to look upset and tells Roommate something and to my surprise...he speaks Korean.
So, to paint this picture...I now have my 6'5 white (maybe) roommate fighting with this 4'9 girl in my apartment...in Korean. To the best of my knowledge the fight went as follows:
Ha Nae storms out of my kitchen without even saying Thank You for the sandwich (in any currency, manners cost nothing) and goes running into the parking lot with Roommate chasing after her and I go to the balcony to watch. Had I had time to pour myself a bottle of wine and make some popcorn I would have because this was some class entertainment.
Roommate comes back in and looks to be upset and tells me that Hae Na will not be staying with us this weekend which was FINE BY ME because he didnt even tell me she was staying with us. I apologize for causing a fight and he replies with....
Roommate:
Well you know what they say 여성은 그들과 살 수 있으며 그없이 살 수
Actually, no I do not know what they say in Korean you freakshow but luckily Siri does so I can translate...according to Siri
Hae Na is a grotsky little byotch.
No comments:
Post a Comment