Hebrews and Shebrews...I mean...where do I start? I feel awful for you people because of the amount of stereotypes thrust upon you. I personally love Jewish boys...trust me...there are some very favorable stereotypes from your people they should have put in the Torah ;0)
Southern Baptists...most of time you are all incredibly hot. I'm not sure what they do in the South to grow you like that but trust me, I'm researching the formula. Sadly, you also get the stereotype of being dumb as a box of bricks and aside from a few Vanderbilt and Texas A&M boys I know...it's kind of true. Don't worry...we still love you...we just love you when you're not talking.
Buddhists...while most people think of this guy
happen to know that the very first love of my life ... Tommy: The Green Power Ranger ....was in fact, a Buddhist. No seriously, was there a more perfectly defined 90's teen than this guy?
And he would have been mine too until that slutbag Kimberly stole him from me...hate that skank.
ANYWHO,
I have never personally dated anyone of the Mormon Faith before. Now, prior to this experience I knew of only a few Mormons...The Osmons, The Romney's and the cast of Orgazmo (seriously one of the best movies I have ever seen and it's piece of pure cinematography mastery)...so when I started dating this one guy and discovering he was Mormon....I was extremely interested in the various stereotypes that surrounded them.
#1) Mormons are NOT polygamists ... I asked him this because I've watched Sister Wives and Big Love and being someone who has NEVER cheated on a significant other...I couldn't imagine sharing my spouse with six other bitches...
#2) Mormons CAN dance... again, rumors I've heard through the years. I'm not saying they lack the ability to dance like most white people, I'm saying I thought their religion prohibited them from dancing...not true
#3) Mormons CAN have condiments. Don't laugh, because this was only recently changed. My date's grandparents were not allowed to have condiments on their foods but could have a polygamist relationship?!?
"No ketchup for me thanks, but bring me my 8 wives!" .... that is some fucking family cookout
#4) Mormons CANNOT drink ... this rule sucks. He was very open about the fact that he was a Mormon but made me figure out myself that he could not drink. I think he thought I wasn't going to ask but here's the thing...I'm Irish...we drink...it's just that simple. So if I go out with you on more than one date and you do not order a drink I will ask you why you are not drinking. I'd love to sit here and say I can see myself dating someone who doesn't drink...but I can't. Now, I don't want you to be a raging alcoholic (hey EX) but I need to able to enjoy my time with you and alcohol.
So I thought I knew everything there was to know about my very nice, extremely sexy and sadly sober boyfriend of 3 weeks until one night when we were out at a restaurant. Dating a Mormon is great because it's like having a built in DD so while he didn't drink I got to utilize the 2 FOR 1 Happy Hour Specials all to myself at various drinking establishments so needless to say he was driving me this particular night.
We are enjoying ourselves and talking when all of a sudden he turns pale white...
Me:
Oh shit, please don't tell me you are choking or allergic to something?!
Are you OK?
Ezekiel:
I need you to get up and go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW
Me:
Oh my god, is there food on my face?! Is my nose bleeding?
What is the matter?!
Ezekiel:
Please!
So I get up and walk towards the bathroom and catching a glimpse of myself in a mirror I quickly realize I look impeccable and I was sent away from the table for a different reason...I turn around and see MY DATE TALKING TO ANOTHER MAN!! Look, if you don't want to be exclusive that is one thing but I will NOT be sent away like someone to be hidden...if you're dating someone else than just me than they should know you are dating someone else than just them...I am HEATED
The gentleman leaves and I return to the table.
Me:
Um, who was that?!
Ezekiel:
Don't worry about it
Me:
No, I think I will worry about it...is it another date?
Ezekiel:
No, I promise...it's complicated
Me:
I'm a smart boy
Ezekiel:
It's my father. He doesn't know I'm gay
Me:
Oh...I'm sorry. I guess I take for granted the great relationship I have with my dad and I don't realize that some people...especially in your faith...have issues with their sexuality. I'm sorry if I got angry with you.
Ezekiel:
It's ok. I'm kind of upset. If you don't mind, can we please go?
Me:
Ugh, I am so insensitive sometimes.
Of course.
As we are leaving the gentlemen spots us again and approaches us. I try to dart away but it's no use...totally OK...I can be a friend, a co-worker, a variety of possibilities. He tenses up.
Man:
Ezekiel, you didn't even come over and say hi to Meredith! You know how much your wife hates when you ignore her stepmother.
HOMO SAY WHAT NOW? WIFE?
Me:
WIFE?!
Ezekiel:
I can explain in the car
Me:
You can esplain right here Lucy...WIFE?
Ezekiel:
You don't understand
Me:
You have a WIFE, You are MARRIED...to a WOMAN...WOMAN....WIFE.....I think I get it!?
Ezekiel:
She doesn't know I'm gay
Me:
YOU'RE A GYMNAST!
Ezekiel:
It's not like that
Me:
YOU WERE IN CIRQUE DE SOLEI...AS A GYMNAST!
Ezekiel:
Please don't make a scene!
Me:
Oh, you think this is a scene?! No honey, the little show you put on at home with your "wife" is a scene...as a matter of fact it's a fucking 3 ACT PLAY! You walk around dressed like Versace after wearing spandex all day....as a gymnast...you think you have her fooled?! Who is this bitch HELLEN KELLER!? No no no, this is NOT OK.
Ezekiel:
I'm leaving
Me:
Good! Go! I don't need you and your hidden life. I am no body's #2 and certainly no body's hidden skeleton in the closet! GO!
Waitress:
Ummm sir, here is the bill for your meal. Would you like me to retrieve the car from the valet?
Me:
No, I came here with...FUCK!
So after over drafting my bank account paying for dinner and a very expensive cab ride home, I came to realization that it doesn't matter what race, religion, or creed you might be....in the end...some men are just assholes.
No comments:
Post a Comment