WARNING: I HAVE BEEN IN THE CAR FOR 39 HOURS…THIS BLOG IS
LONG.
Unholy Matrimoany –
Calm down! This blog isn’t calling the wedding I am
currently road tripping to Unholy…that wouldn’t be right. Quite the contrary,
despite being in the car with my sister for the past 96 hours, crossing 4 time
zones and nearly running away to join a traveling Mariachi band…the Doherty
Tour 2013 (D-Tour2013) has been quite successful…but since things are a little
all over the place I will wait for the right time to blog about the future.
Let’s talk about the present.
I am so excited for my friend Vanna to marry the love of her
life Rob this Saturday in Marco Island Florida. My sister and I will be present
with 2 of my other great friends and despite it being an absolute SAUNA in
Florida right now, I am looking forward to experimenting with my look. (It’s
far too muggy to wear make-up so I’m going to try this whole “fresh faced”
“natural” look these bitches on Pinterest keep yapping about) I have a feeling
I’m going to look like this:
…we can’t all be
like my sister and have our makeup permanently tattooed to our body…so congrats to Vanna but this blog isn’t about that wedding…
If you have not yet invited me to your wedding you are
seriously missing out! Have you ever seen me in a suit? I am a friggin amazing
looking PLUS SUZE model.
I make the best date because 1) I look
great dressed up and will match your dress 2) I have incomparable dance moves
3) Zero Food Allergies and most importantly…everyone loves me…oh and I’m
humble.
For a small fee you can do yourself an even bigger favor and
put me IN your wedding!! You think I look good in a suit? Try seeing me in a
tux…ummm #pantydropper
Well one of my friends must have known all these things to
be true because I received a very random invite to a wedding at a Newport
Mansion at the end of August…fantastic!! Nothing I love more than rich people
dishing out free shrimp and champagne so I agree to go…BIG MISTAKE
She tells me the wedding is for a good friend of hers that
she used to date “way back in the day” but that “she’s so happy he found
someone great” and that she’d tell me all about it on the way down.
I get in the car…clearly looking daper and she looks quite
lovely herself. We start down to Rhode Island and being the dashing date I
offer to read the directions to the wedding to her.
Me:
Where’s the invitation? I will read off the directions
Casandra:
Oh, I don’t have it.
Me:
Oh, ok…do you have the address? I’ll put it in my phone.
Casandra:
Well…I sort of don’t know where it is…only that it’s in
Newport.
Me:
What do you mean? You lost the invitation?
Casandra:
More like…I never got one
Me:
I’m sorry what?
Casandra:
Well…yes I used to date him but I’m sort still in love with
him…andiknowifheseesmehewillfallbackinlovewithmetoo
Me:
PULL THE FUCK OVER!
Casandra:
No, you have to come with me! I can’t just show up and crash
his wedding by myself?! What will people think?
Me:
That you weren’t crazy enough to get an accomplice!
Casandra:
No, it will be fine!! I know plenty of people at the wedding
and you can just party while I talk to him.
Me:
I will wait in the car
Casandra:
I can’t go to the wedding by myself I will get stared at!
Me:
I can’t go to prison I will get raped!
This goes on for another hour and before I know it we are
cruising around Newport looking for white limos…I promise I had very little
choice in the matter.
We are downtown casing churches and find a bunch of people
in front of St. Anthony’s … the patron Saint of lost things... Imma go in and
pray this bitch finds her damn mind she lost.
Cassandra:
OK, go in and save us a seat….i’ll park and sneak in after
the bride enters.
Me:
I’m running away!
Casandra:
Ok, I will make you a deal. Let me watch him get married and
that will be it. I’ll know he’s happy with her and we can go home.
Me:
Promise?
Casandra:
Promise!
So I walk into the front of the church when of course I’m
approached by some old fucker in a suit…
Old Fucker:
Hello Sir, are you with the Murphy’s? or the Sullivans?
Me:
Shit! I don’t know his
last name!
Ummm…the groom
Old Fucker:
Oh excellent! I’m his father! How do you know Michael?
Me:
Of course you are!
Oh we have a mutual friend…from college
Father of the Groom:
Oh, Michael didn’t go to college??
Me:
Oh, no…I mean our mutual friend…she ummm…went to college.
Well, I should go inside and get a seat! You look great by the way! Have you
lost weight? Bye!
As I’m sitting in the Church…a house of God…I see a bunch of
men in uniform sitting on the groom’s side…HOT DAMN!! So I read the pamphlet
and saw he was in the Air Force…things were looking up!! Where the hell is
crazy pants?!
Man #2:
James Campbell, and this is my wife Dolores and you are?
Me:
Sean…ummm….Combs?
(shit! Can’t use my own name next time)
Man#2:
Well Sean, how do you know Michael?
Me:
WHY DOES EVERYONE GIVE
A SHIT!? I AM HERE ARENT I?
The Air Force
Man #2:
Really? I was his operating Commander during basic…what
division were you in?
Me:
Ummm I was in the 4th D?A?D?T? Division Well, I should
probably go escort my date in…excuse me…by the way you look amazing! Did you
lose weight? Dolores, always a pleasure.
Fantastic, lied through my teeth in church while having
impure thoughts about the groom and his basic training buddies…
I find Casandra…
Me:
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!? I FEEL LIKE OWEN WILSON WITH A CUTER
NOSE!
Casandra:
I can’t do it!
Me:
EXCELLLENT! I’ll go get the car
Casandra:
No, I mean I can’t let him go through with it.
Me:
Oh yes you can bitch, these men are in the Air Force and
they have guns!!
Casandra:
No, I know he’s probably in the Sacristy (for my Jew/Atheist
friends…that’s like the side stage of the Church) … I am going to find him.
What do I do?! Knock her out? I’ve already committed a few
sins in a church today already…what’s one more? Do I blow her cover and run in
before her and warn the groom? God must have saw my plight because out the
clear blue…
Random Girl:
Casandra?!
Casandra:
Victoria!!! Hi!
Victoria…looking confused…duh:
What umm..what are you doing here?
Casandra:
Oh, I came with Kevin … he’s parking the car
Victoria:
Oh, I didn’t think Kevin was bringing a date…and I didn’t
expect it to be you hahaha.
Casandra:
Why? Oh my goodness no! I am so happy for Michael! I’ll see you
inside!
Victoria:
Yeaaaa? See you inside?
Casandra to me:
Ok, I can’t be seen with you! I’m not supposed to be here
with you
Me:
I AM NOT SUPPOSED BE HERE…AT ALL! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!?
Casandra:
Just blend in…you’re a chameleon! I’ll see you at the
reception! I’m going to head there now and find Kevin before Victoria
does…she’s the bride’s sister and I'm pretty she hates me.
Me:
Hmmm, wonder why?
Sooooo to recap: I am now stuck in the Church…in Rhode
Island…for a wedding of two people I do not know…with a date who abandoned
me…and my phone is in her car…I go sit in the bride’s section (for a better
view of the Air Force Men) and pray.
The ceremony was wonderful. She was in a lovely beaded
mermaid style Vera Wang with a sweetheart neckline and a gorgeous Swarovski
crystal cathedral veil. He was quite dashing in his Air Force Dress Blues…it
was a fairytale wedding…and I had no fucking idea what I was doing there.
Since this was a classy affair…I was hoping there was going
to be some sort of ceremony to reception transportation…no dice. Luckily, I
spent years eaves dropping on my sister’s phone calls with her friends in
middle school so my hearing was like a hawk…I listened to the people in the pew
behind me talk about Sarah (the bride) and how they are so happy Michael found
a smart woman who went to Brown and was studying to be a psychologist…ok, I
have enough info…time to act!
I head back over to the groom’s section and approach some
strangers..
Me:
Excuse me…are you heading to the reception?
Strangers:
Um yes, why?
Me:
I am one of Sara’s friends from Brown and I was supposed to
go to the reception with some college friends but they had an emergency and had
to leave…would possibly be able to give me a lift?
Strangers:
Of course!! I am Nathaniel and this is my wife Natalie
Me:
God I love WASPS and
their phonetically fabulous names
Natalie:
And you are??
Me:
Preston…
Preseton what? Quick
Sean Think! Doherty doesn’t sound like
money…what’s a good financial firm? Something Sachs??
Preston Braxton-Hicks…it’s a pleasure.
We drive to the reception and I gotta tell you…If Michael
wasn’t marrying Sarah for her money…he should have been…girlfriend had bank!
The reception was massive!! A mansion looking over the cliffs, tents all over
the place, portable bathrooms that had hardwood floors and an attendant and an
whole fountain made of shrimp…I should see if her parents are adopting…now
where is crazy pants?!
Natalie:
Well, we should go find what table we are at…it’s been a
pleasure meeting you Preseton!
Nathaniel:
If you do end up joining the country club let me know, we
will have a foursome!
Me:
Absolutely Nate!
I had no intentions of
joining their country club until I heard the word foursome…but anywho
I have my champagne and plate of shrimp as I’m looking for
Cassandra…and I notice everyone taking their seats! FUUUUUCCCCKKK…I can’t find
Casandra and I doubt I have a name card…time to play detective again…I approach
of group of girls and amp up the gay to SUPERQUEEN.
Me:
Haaaaaay ladies! Oh. My. God. You all look sthooooo amazing!
Girls (instantly enamored with a gay):
Awww thanks!! You are so cute!! How do you know Sarah?
Me:
Oh, my sister is like BFF with Victoria they were Delta’s …
Sarah invited me because she claimed to have this really cute guy to set me up
with but apparently he was a no show...sad panda.
Girl:
Oh my god, it was probably Jeff!! We always thought he was
gay but yea he couldn’t make it last minute.
Me:
Yea it was Jeff!! Jeff…Gordon?
Girl:
Ah no, Jeff Winsloski
Me:
Omg yes! Jeff W…ugh! So mad I can’t meet him!! After all
…choosey fags chose Jeff! (girls erupt in laughter) Well I gotta skidaddle…you
all look fabulous by the way! Don't lose a pound!
Ok, Jeff Winsolski is about to take his seat at the wedding!
I sit at my table and scan the room…no sign of
Cassandra…whatever…I love fresh rolls.
There are only a few people at the table and we make small
talk…they ask me how I know Jeff and I tell them that we’re engaged and he is
just parking the car…
Woman:
Oh my god, did you know who I heard was here? Cassandra
Richards! Can you believe it?
Woman 2:
I know! I heard she found out about the wedding on facebook
and drove down here this morning! And I heard she’s here with a FAKE DATE! How
pathetic is that?! Can you imagine Preston?
Me:
Oh! Me! Preseton...Well, hopefully he is cute that’s all I can say ::snaps::
excuse me …
If I find Victoria she’ll know where Kevin is so I can find
Cassandra.
Me:
Hi Victoria…you look really nice! Have you seen Kevin by any
chance?
Victoria:
Um No...Thanks.... Sorry, Who are you?
Me:
I’m a friend of Michaels from back home…he told me to find
Kevin…something about a girl named Cassandra??
Victoria:
Cassandra? What about her? What does she want?
Me:
Oh….I don’t know…not even sure who she is…just gotta find
Kevin...ha
Victoria:
I’ll come with you…I think he’s in the main house…I swear if
that bitch does anything to mess with my sister’s day I’ll hurt her!
Me:
Oh…yea…I don’t know...have you lost weight?
So now I’m running around a beautiful mansion in Newport
with a pissed off Bridesmaid looking for my date…who I am not supposed to know
and looking for a Groomsman who I don’t know…who I am supposed to know.
Victoria:
We should split up. We can cover more ground that way!
Me:
What is this
Scooby-Doo?!
Great idea! I’ll let you know if I find Kevin or this
“Casandra” person
I FINALLY find Cassandra and Kevin in one of the libraries
and quickly shut the door!
Cassandra:
Sean! You’re not supposed to be here! I am talking to Kevin
Me:
Yea and by the look on his face he’s about as happy to see
you as the groom will be.
Kevin:
You know her? Aren’t you the guy from the bar?
Me:
Yes and if I knew you were Kevin I wouldn’t have hit on
you…I’m sorry. But we have a big problem here…Victoria is looking for the both
of you and if she finds you she is going to have a bitch fit and have your arrested! We need to leave.
Cassandra:
I’m not leaving until I talk to Michael!!
Kevin:
Dude, I can’t let her do that
Me:
Yea, neither can I...Dude. Should we???
I give him a look…the look was meant to
say (Let’s knock her out) but judging by his response it might have came out as (Let’s make out) so clearly neither was going to happen…which was fine
because…IN WALKS MICHAEL (the groom).
Michael:
Oh, sorry … Kevin? Cassandra!?! What are you doing here?!
FUCK MY LIFE!
Cassandra:
Michael, I had to see you! You can’t marry her!!
Michael:
Um, I kind of already did!
Cassandra:
No!
She’s not the right woman for you! I am!
Now if this was a Sandra Bullock movie, this would be the
point of the story where the music would slow down, the two would lock eyes and
instantly he would realize that he made the biggest mistake of his entire life
and the woman in front of him was the ONLY woman in his life
….but this was real
fucking life.
Michael:
What?! Are you crazy? We broke up 4 years ago!
Cassandra:
We are meant for each other!
Michael:
We only dated for 3 months!!
Wow, this bitch is crazier than I thought!
Michael:
I think you need to go! Kevin, why don’t you take your date
and go get help.
Kevin:
Dude, he’s not my date!
Me:
Kevin! How could you? This supposed to be a special day for
us too!
Michael:
Kevin, it’s cool. We all knew you were gay.
Kevin:
But I’m not –
Me:
-going to tell anyone today…It’s Sarah’ day! Now let’s go
get help. Ps- Michael, she keeps saying something about some guy named Sean…not
sure what who he is … oh Victoria thank god!! Cassandra’s in there…Kevin and I
were just going to get security but since you probably got that handled why
don’t I buy that drink I promised you?
Kevin:
I have no idea what’s going on right now but I need a drink.
So my friend got arrested for trespassing and I bailed her
out the next morning and drove her sobbing, crying, and messed up ass back to
Massachusetts. I would have been there sooner but they were serving filet and
lobster…plus Kevin ended up taking me up on my drink offer…three times that
night ;0)
